Christmas...

Reflection...Quietness. Thankfulness. Warmed by the Christmas goodies my daughter just baked. Some of the same Mom used to do. (love the magic bars) A wonderful moment to see her/Abbey in the kitchen baking. I know she misses Mom so much..why of course..hello.
Cherish these family moments. I see the pictures of Christmas past..and I do smile and I think of that very moment and how we felt, where we were, what we were doing. A good, true friend sent the most special picture of last Christmas..Becky and I standing by the tree. It is priceless.
This year Abbey and I will try to create a new picture, a new memory..perhaps a new tradition.
Or, we will simply just 'be'..just be in the moment..Thank you God for the moment of the star..
For the Prince Of Peace..Sing glory..

Many warm, merry, bright and memorable Christmas moments to you all..Love, Love, Love..and again, Love..

Bill and Abbey

Going through..

Going through the days. Having some good moments along with the other. The tree looks pretty..Outside lights need a little help, but they are there. Manger scene on the mantle..a family nativity from back in the day. Just thankful to have what I have..so very thankful.
Abbey done with school finals..what a week, but looks like all went well. She did her best.
Getting cards..so many words of care and support. I send you support also...

May your days be merry and bright..

Much Love,

Bill and Abbey

The Marker.. and a Bday...

Just part of this journey..seeing the headstone, marker finally in place. Abbey and I saw it a few days ago..We were silent when first upon it...then commented on how 'good' it looked..the glossy black granite reflected our faces..the blue sky. We felt as if we were peering into another world..or time just stopped and/or we were still for a photo. Still felt surreal to see it..but there it was and will be. And again, it actually looked so nice.."beautiful, wonderful" just below Becky's name..perfectly etched..along with "Psalm 71, Celebrate life".
Hope you are celebrating..We did yesterday, Abbey's sweet 16 birthday..Had a really fulfilling day..A surprise party..Abbey was moved, delighted..She laughed, she talked and talked..Mom would have loved it. Abbey was most pleased and comforted by the many who gave her hugs and love..

Much love to you all..

Celebrate life..Stay calm during the Christmas rush.

Bill and Abbey

Sail away..

I think, well I know, many caretakers, spouses, after enduring or experiencing the lengthy illness of a loved one, feel perhaps stirred to conquer or embrace other endeavors to 'sail away'...Maybe not join the Peace Corps in a wore torn country, or enroll in a nursing program or Harvard med school, but the journey propels them, emboldens them to think and/or want to pursue other horizons. Many of the grief books I have read say this can be quite common, and how many charities or benefits-foundations are seen because a loved one was stirred? Well, I suppose I am no different. Yet, time is the great equalizer. One must let time and a sense of life normalcy become present before the world conquering is assumed. Ok, maybe not world conquering, but some form of adventure even if it's within a zipcode area. I guess I must let more time pass before this adventure becomes a reality..What adventure? I'll be back for an exciting answer right after this week's long commercial break, in other words, stay tuned, just don't know. I am blessed to be where I am...to have the job I have, I truly am. Thanksgiving, you bet, I give thanks to have a job...
I have a daughter to guide and support. I have a car that needs gasoline..I have expenses just like you do..and these expenses really don't much care about my need for other endeavors or wonderful foundations. So, common sense and calm should also be in the recipe as calendar days and months are checked off...
OK, just had to vent this...Perhaps because I went to City Of Hope today..to visit someone I knew hospitalized there? Plus maybe I needed to feel the last days of Becky being there...in some strange way helping with the healing process..maybe that too. but mostly, it was to see someone I knew being treated. Prayers to these wonderful people. It was good to see nurse Emily and others..really was..really DOES help with the healing process..and I do believe that process is going OK for Abbey and me. With grief, there is NO set pattern for anyone..no exactness..as mentioned before, everyone walks a unique grief road..unique to them..no two persons are the same stamp when it comes to enduring grief. So I say to anyone enduring grief..Your road is your road. I recall that great philosopher Forrest Gump..Grief is sorta, kinda indeed like a box of chocolates..but the twist is, most the time you do know what you are going to get with grief. Tears, heartache, sometimes hopelessness, but sometimes just never know what you are going to feel like after you get it..or when you will get the grief moments. Ya just never know what you are going to get, when you get it..I know this analogy is perhaps a stretch, but it just felt right for this moment. I am thankful for these silly analogies..they somehow produce a lighthearted moment when needed. And yes, in grief, lighthearted moments will come..may take a day, may take a month, but they will come..
Thank you God for humor..for laughter, for providing hope..when all may seem lost..thank you...

Onward forward..Celebrate this wonderful life,

Bill and Abbey

Thanksgiving and good talk...

Having some good 'talk' with Abbey...though we have had many, and I mean many over the past few years..still always nice to recognize it...Still good to 'get it out'...to take note of it..
Had a good Thanksgiving. Truly, truly thankful for family, and for wonderful caring friends, of course, so very thankful for the years with my beautiful, amazing, loving wife, for my sweet, thoughtful daughter and thankful for what lies ahead, to somehow envision and think about the new adventures awaiting, whatever they may be. So good to give thanks for all that is abundant in our lives..
Well, starting to hear Christmas songs in full effect..it's OK, for now. Most evoke good memories..sweet, pleasant stuff. Perhaps soon, start some decorating. The real touch, the handling, hanging of the family ornaments will perhaps present a challenge..most likely a bevy of emotions..but as I said, will go straight through it. We all know this time of year can cause many emotions to surface. I will embrace, withstand, be open to all of them and carry on.

Peace and goodwill to all..

Celebrate life,

Bill and Abbey

Some days..

Some days just never know how what may transpire in the emotional room. Some days heavier that others..some days we press on with a lighter feel. As the hoildays approach, I know there will be some very sensitive, very reflective, emotional days, moments. But will do our best to think of the brighter moments..the really Happy Thanksgiving moments we had with family and friends..the beautiful, bountiful tables we shared with others..The travels here and there..The smells, the preparation, the warm aftereffect of having the traditional meal, and participating in both meaningful and playful conversation. Yes, will think of a multitude of warm moments..and think of how Becky used to love the holidays, especially Christmas. She loved the lights, the decorations, Santa, and of course, the real meaning.,,the birth of the Lord Jesus.
I know the music, which we both loved, will penetrate and move me beyond explanation. "It's the most wonderful time of the year"..will surely grab me and twirl my heart.."OH Holy Night" will stop me..OK, enough for now, I cannot believe I am talking about Christmas..Not yet..not ready...

Hope all is well with you and yours..As Thanksgiving is to be talked about, because it is almost here.May we all truly be grateful, thankful for the many blessings that envelope us daily..
Enjoy them..celebrate them...

Much Love..

Bill and Abbey

Weekend...

Had a nice run/walk on the beach with Abbey this weekend...Good stuff indeed..
Good talks...I think there are days when she misses Mom more than others..like we all do when a loved one leaves this world ..Just have to be there for each other. Listen, listen, listen..and just be.
We keep running, we keep walking through the storms..we embrace the good, we seek peace...

God Bless you all...There is much to be thankful for...Thank you God..

Celebrate Life,

Bill and Abbey

Just part of it...

Taking the day and doing the best we can...and doing OK. That song, the clothes, any moment can trigger emotion. But hey, that's just the way it is..Just about complete order the headstone/marker. I knew it would take some time and it did. And they say that's usually how it works..time to think about think this step..and so I did. Abbey and I discussed at length just what to say...and we are at peace with it...:

One could say so many things about their loved one..so many..But truly the life story lives within you..that's where the words are really written, the memories, the life path...

Onward forward...

Much Love, Celebrate Life..

Bill and Abbey

Thinking...

Stop pause, reflect and think of what happened, but also think of what lies ahead..future endeavors, adventures into the unknown.     I think of others who may be enduring a journey of uncertainty, of perhaps fear and yet great hope.  Abbey and I harbor, still dwell on these attributes, fear and hope.  We thank God for the road that did see protection, even when in the deep, dark valley of the shadow of death.  Death is an enemy, but death has no sting..My sweetie now knows this now full well. 
Doesn't mean a fear of death cannot grip my heart or others.. It doesn't mean that ICU didn't have a penetrating heart searing sting or hurt that was unexplainable, and it was, just sometimes unexplainable. But I have to know with certainty,  eternal life awaits and I do....My heart demands I write the somewhat heavy stuff when the whisper becomes a roar..  I also say, .get out..take a risk..Dance on, play on...

Much Love to you...Celebrate Life...


Bill and Abbey

TWO year transplant...'Bday'

Two years..Oct 9th...Yes, I had that toast...had a toast of Dom Perignon..some wonderful friends gave us to toast for a special occasion...I was saving it for this day.  The Doctors said two years is usually a good marker to set, seems the Graft vs. Host disease and other maladies lose some roar at the two year interval. We had said we will have a toast on this day.. So, I had it anyway.  Abbey and I visited cemetery...put three red roses and a Happy Bday balloon on Becky's resting place...As mentioned, Becky considered Oct 9th a "Bday"...It was still a good day to recall warm memories, triumphant moments and talk of the future.

Hope your day is triumphant..

God Bless you..

Celebrate Life..enjoy it..

Bill and Abbey  :)

Coming up...Two years..transplant..

Doing OK..just trying to time manage as many of us are..many moments are enveloped in thinking about the last few years and what transpired..the journey..of course this is to be expected.  I think about what is next...what should be done, the practical, to the dream scenarios..A mix of all..
Coming up, Becky's TWO year stem cell transplant 'birthday' or anniversary, Oct 9th. She called it another birthday to celebrate and indeed we would have..I will have a toast anyway..I will still give great thanks for this day two years ago, when those stem cells donated by an earthly angel went 'marching in', as Becky called it..into her body.  A day we will never forget...never..We just stared at that bag full of these live-sustaining cells, it was incredible to see, to realize this was really happening. Thank you donor, Love you, May the Lord bless you in every way. You wrote to us saying, 'Be strong and courageous, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" you quoted Joshua 1:9. What a letter is was, it was medicine to Becky, she wept with abandon...I will toast to you...May you also be strong and courageous..well, you already are..
Still have countless cards taped to the wall...just good to every now and then repeat read.  There will soon come a day when they will be removed..I know this should and will happen, but for now, they remain, they soothe..
Hope you are having some soothing days..

Celebrate Life,

Bill and Abbey..

Good talk..

Abbey and I; good talk this past Sunday...we have meaningful talks, but this one had many impactful elements...I am thankful for the transparency my daughter and I have.  Though I am sure, she, like myself,  has and needs very private moments when it comes to grief, we also know we need our soul to soul, heart to heart moments, and she and I,  have certainly had many over the past few years.  She also had some very good open heart moments with her sweet Mom.
We are doing OK..school is going well for Abbey.  So thankful for this..so thankful..
I went to a Griefshare session...always has some good points to ponder and some common truths or shared feelings, facts about this process...some right on.  But, it is also true, NO one grieves the same..no one..

Hope all is well with you...Good health and many, many blessings to you...

Celebrate Life,


Bill and Abbey

Steps..

Seems like I take five steps..smile or ponder, think of the past..an array of warm, amusing, even those past 'ouch' moments, then I take five steps..encounter emotion..that's just the way it is right now; present grief with a mix of what was.   Well, been meaning to do a few things to the house..especially some needed lighting..I thought how Becky wanted more lighting..hope I get around to doing it and I hope you are getting around to doing things you want to do..as my mother used to say, 'better make that round to it jar a big one'..some traditions were; you were supposed to put like washer rings in a jar every time you didn't complete a 'round to it'...well I'm trying to keep the jar down to small sized car...smile.

God Bless...Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey

Thinking...

Some days..just think and think about times past. Good stuff mostly...
The clothes are sometimes hard to look at, but sometimes they bring back a great moment.
Abbey and I cooked salmon...Becky loved salmon and she could get it just right. Abbey did a great job with it though...
The routine of school and work going OK, but I know Abbey does miss Mom asking her how school is going etc...good to have a routine I suppose..but sometimes ya just want to stop right where you are...solve a few world problems..then back to the routine. Actually, I guess we can do that anyway...
Also thinking about, in a few weeks Becky would have been two years removed from the stem cell transplant...two years..that's what we wanted, along with many other good health markers, that's what we were told would be a goal to strive for, when perhaps getting into another 'life lane' would be acknowledged. Becky would be distancing herself from the statistical or commonly known measure of the graft versus host disease return, two years. It is known that usually after two years, the stats are in your favor for GVH not rearing it's head..Well, as has been documented in this blog, GVH was tough in the end, but pneumonia the big bully. Just had to vent that...

Hope and pray all is well with you...Press on. Abbey and I give thanks for the health we have..we thank the Lord God for a wife and mother who was so beautiful, Godly and courageous..

Celebrate life,

Bill and Abbey...

The day..

Had a good Bday..just Abbey and I..and that was best. A great lunch at a southern eatery..then off to shop for Dad, for Dad needed some clothes. A fun time..Becky always liked it when we all went shopping. We continued for her. Abbey gave me quite a few..'yeahs' and 'ahhh, no I don't think so's'. It was an accomplished day...
Next day we went to church, had lunch with great buds the G's..then Abbey and I went to cemetery...hard but Abbey and I talk with immeasurable transparency...

Hope all is well with you..Thank you all, and I mean it, thank you so much for your thoughts directed toward us and for the constant prayer...God is in this..He knows the details..

Much Love..Celebrate Life..

Bill and Abbey

Sept 3rd...

Abbey doing good in school...enjoying most of her classes..likes cheerleading! Her school spirit shows. She can learn a routine rather quickly...a cool thing.

Naturally, we do talk of Mom. We talk of the things she did, the things she said...the food she cooked. The things she would say or do. Yes, my sweet wife, Abbey's Mom is gone..and sometimes it still seems, like really? We do know she is doing just fine..just fine..We have this hope..
OK, a little secret, I talk to Becky. The grief books say this is actually quite normal..I believe it, cause I'm living it...doing it. Not an inordinate amount of time..but enough to soothe me...feels good to just talk small to big stuff in just short staccato-like sentences.. again, they say this is quite acceptable...

Another one of those firsts is here..My birthday. I am not one to broadcast by Bday, but felt OK to say so here at 1am... Becky was so birthday conscious. She loved giving multiple cards, and was always so gift thoughtful...
Abbey and I will celebrate..We will.

Hope you are having some celebratory days.

Be of good cheer...

Bill and Abbey

Three months..

Hard to believe, May 23rd, three months ago my sweetie was ushered into eternity. Incredible. Reality is piercing the day. Knowing that Becky is gone. Most grief books and the persons I have talked to say it may take 6 months to a year before the true realization of a loved-one being gone is fully recognized. We'll see. I really can't and won't measure this one. It may be now, it may be later...again, not going to ponder this too much...Just live each day.. Celebrate life as Becky would say..Abbey and I are having some fulfilling days along with the 'other'..

School started. Semi excited morning but also missed the hug and kiss of Mom..wishing, hoping praying for a good day, a good year. Becky always loved the first day of school for her little daughter. Abbey is doing good. She likes her schedule and classes. She is cementing a study regimen plan. She's dived into some hearty homework already.

Hope you day or evening is good...May God makes His face to shine upon you..

and I have said it before..never forget how to have some fun..


Bill and Abbey..

Return to hospital..City Of Hope..

Yes, went back to hospital a few days ago, a little less than 3 months since Becky's passing. I knew I would return for various reasons, just wasn't sure when, and if I would be ready, but somehow this day seemed OK, internally permissible, to make the trek. I had to see a few people and I did. Sweet wonderful nurse Emily, and other wonderful nurses. I visited the donor coordinator..they facilitate or arrange any communication between Becky and the donor and much more. We, of course, do not know the donor, there was a two year window before any identities could be revealed, but as written in previous blogs, we did get a wonderfully worded letter from her just after the stem cell transplant., This was one of those triumphant days I have talked about..It was great to see the amazing people who coordinate these transplants. I am humbled by their service. I do believe the donor now knows of Becky's passing. Wow, would I want to see her as she got the news? NO, but do wonder how she reacted..I pray she is secure in all she did..she should be.
I saw others that I needed to see at the hospital. And yes, emotion was threaded throughout the day, but there was an element of healing, hard to describe, but there was some cool water added to the searing recall of some of Becky's time there..
I recalled some of the moments of not only the tremendous trial, but also the tremendous moments of triumph. Like I said, the day we received the donor letter, or the day we were informed by the doctor that it appears the gene that actually causes myelofibrosis was eradicated. And, it was. We did see days when the glass was half full and more, and of course, we had days of half empty and more...
Thus, I departed from the hospital with a mix of emotion. When Becky was in the hospital, I would always do a slight head turn to the right as I drove home on the freeway that loops in front of the hospital and say something to her and/or blow a kiss, but this time, I just glanced at those buildings and murmured, 'she's not there'...and then accelerated home. I had to say, 'my sweetie is in a place where no walls, no medicines are even thought of, she's 'home'..she's healthy, and fulfilled".. this is a hope and promise beyond the City Of Hope hospital I must cling to...and I do..hope you do too...

Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey

Thoughts..

Listening to a song from the musical "Wicked"...

"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good, I have been changed for the better"..of course, thought of my sweetie..

"For Good"...nice song. Abbey, Becky and I saw "Wicked" a few years ago. A good family night.

Also, a song that has been so comforting to me..so heartfelt..to the core..



"Blessings" by Laura Story...poignant, so real...

Among the lyrical phrases I like, these are just a few that penetrate.

'What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near? What if trials of this life Are Your mercies in disguise?'

'What if my greatest disappointments or the achings of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst This world can’t satisfy?'

Semi tough stuff to wrap my heart around? Maybe, but still listen and let the song envelope me..still emersed in it...

I went to cemetery yesterday...what can I say...just wanted this statement for blog record..

Oh, the bird nest just inches away from our front window, with the trio, not the quartet of baby chirpers I previously blogged, well that nest became empty on July 27th, anniversary day. Really, it did. Momma got those babies out and into the world. They are now out there flying about, taking risks, feeling their wings...ummm, sounds good to me..

Abbey doing OK..we talk..we talk and we talk...her wings, her flight appears to be steady..

And again, I thank you all who are still praying for Abbey and I...it means so much. We thank the Lord for you..


Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey






"

Today...

Ya know, grief, though experienced by just about everyone on this planet, has it's own branding or uniqueness with the individual..I don't think anyone travels through grief in exactness to another person. For the blog record, I had a heavy grief, 'ball and chain' morning but the afternoon saw a decent healthy rebound, a bouncier step, with accomplishment made where needed...
Hope you had an accomplished day also..
God Bless...give thanks in all things..

Celebrate life,

Bill and Abbey

Anniversary Day..those 'firsts'

They call them 'firsts', the first bday without your loved one, first Christmas, first anniversary..you get the idea..

As mentioned in previous blog, Weds would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. What a first..on a 20 year..I knew it would be emotional, and of course it was...I'll spare all the details..except, putting 20 red roses in the vase on my sweetie's resting place was emotional, but also had some wonderful recall...thought of good moments...Then drove to where we got married. The place where the tent stood on that hot July day, 20 years ago..stood and just saw her walking down the aisle..This day 2011, I felt like a huge, overpowering, planet sized magnet was beneath my feet..now I get it, I think I was realizing, experiencing the way I felt in 1991 when she walk down the aisle...feet heavy, but almost comically, felt like I wanted to run, well kinda sorta, not really...now I comically chuckle, so glad I didn't, the 'magnet' kept me grounded to that place, eyes on that bride, heart saying this is it..and 19 years, 10 months later, stayed grounded, stayed with eyes and heart on that bride. Thank you God, thank you for arranging this day in 1991. Yep, it was emotional to be there in that place, but it was the place I needed to be on that day...I cranked a few minutes of "Baby, Baby" from the car..I shouted it. A few hundred yards away, the church and staff..perhaps knew something special was being recreated..or they just didn't bother to come check it out, period...
Then off to have dinner at the restaurant we had our reception. Emotional, you bet..but again, had some great recall of good moments. Had some wedding bridesmaids come! Thank you ladies and for the gentlemen who came. For Kim...who gave Becky a wedding shower..Thank you, thank you..much love to you guys..
Strangely, I am thankful to have had such an emotional day..I really am.

Onward forward..

Celebrate Life..

Bill and Abbey..

20 years..

Early AM 1:30. 20 years ago this day..Happy Anniversary. I know my sweetie is really celebrating life in an unimaginable banquet hall, endless, majestic, eternal....I just know it..
I will celebrate our anniversay here on this earth... cheers..


Bill

Tomorrow..20 years..

Approx. 11pm..thinking about tomorrow and how Becky and I would have celebrated 20 years..July 27th, a hot day in Chatsworth, CA, united under a big yellow and white tent..A beautiful bride and an over-dramatic mullet head dude..in the presence of God, family and many wonderful friends. Never forget it..nor should I. I was so nervous, I was a punk..well sorta.
Becky was amazing. To begin the ceremony, we sang "Baby, Baby" by Amy Grant to each other. I came in too early..she sang right on time. We had our off chords in 19 years of marriage, but we did try to correct the chords..did our best to make the day or week end on a sweet loving note... 20 years..wow. I will be emotional I am sure, already there. But, I know I will reflect upon the good, the finest moments, the beautiful wonderful child, the vacations, the dinner table, the sitting on the couch next to each other and much more.
Yes, reflect upon all that was good, look at the photographs, read the cards and letters..and even whisper a thanks for the small and sometimes huge chasms that appeared, for this is when we had to 'see it through', whatever our frictional moment may have been. Not saying we always did it right, that we worked through all the sandpaper moments, but most we did. Dear God, thank you for 19 years to this loving, incredible, kind, gentle, understanding, pure woman.
July 27th..20 years ago..I am better, richer for this day...

Much Love to you all..

Celebrate the anniversaries..enjoy the simple dinner table..dance a little..

Much love,

Bill and Abbey

Today...

Got early AM latte...usually don't do it on Sunday AM, but felt like it and felt like getting what Becky liked.. a grande' mocha from the Bucks..had about half then finished the rest later in the day. This is just one of those things, I thought you needed to know. Went to church..lots to chew on..then went to some friends house to chew on a little lunch then other friends house for good ol' impromptu visit. Felt a little like a southern thang. It was a fulfilling day to be around these wonderful folks..
Home in late PM, sitting in backyard listening to the music waft from my sweet daughter's window..my mind did a fast forward to a only a few years from now, the music was not escaping from the small opening in her window, the sound of her roaming the house was not heard... to visualize, to actually auditorially imagine no audio coming from this room, a heaviness emerged, but I also knew, her wings would be in motion toward another 'room' in life..the one that allows them-her to become, to express even more of who they are, or just try to find who they are in this sometimes too real, too chaotic world. As said, we give our children roots, and we give them wings, and I know Becky will always be threaded throughout both..
Hope your day had some soaring moments..We press on. God sees our hurts and knows our needs..

Much Love..Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey..

Just thinking and..

I still think about ICU, but I also think of the good days. I read a good quote from a book some great friends gave me; "From time to time I will step into my rooms of joyous memories and close the doors" , trying to do just that...From time to time I also envelope myself in her closet clothes. Ouch. The smell of a loved one has more power than it seems all other senses combined.
Attended a grief support class..maybe a little too soon, maybe not. They say usually best to wait at least a few months. My heart had a deafening beat as I simply introduced myself and said why I was there. Tell me, did time stop for a few seconds in the evening a few days ago? I really think it did. Many need to talk, be around others in the grief world, it is a healthy thing. I will evaluate over next few days if I should return, though no regrets at all in going this time. Got some valuable info to process. My nightly prayers ask for comfort and strength and even if my emotional suitcase is full, I will try to listen to the hurt in others. So here's that newness of life moment..a bird built a nest just inches outside our window, rarely happens. A gentle high pitched out of tune chirping quartet is now heard daily..until, Momma says it's time to go..
Thank you God for this little gift.


Celebrate life's gifts...

Bill and Abbey..

Talking with..

Chatting with Abbey about how fast she thought "it" all seemed to happen in April and May. Though we have been on a long, long path...Becky's decline still somehow seemed quite rapid upon her last hospital admittance. Abbey says it sometimes still feels like a blur...A good conversation we had in the kitchen, while she made some delicious oatmeal cookies..WE do talk it out..but we also let a few days go by..just to process and then stop and have a heart to heart. Even if it's for one minute or one hour.


Of course, we have had many heart to hearts during the past few years. She and Mommy also had quite a few heart to heart, mother to daughter, deep, deep personal moments. Someone told me, and Abbey reiterated, that even though I am here as the single parent, Mom will always 'parent'..I thought about it, and ya know, it rings with truth. This young woman will most likely always hear and feel, the still, strong, steady voice/counsel of Mom.

Abbey is being a 'life is wide open' teen and a woman that must think and act beyond her years....I think she is maintaining a healthy balance of these two worlds..

Hope your world is good and healthy...

Much Love to you all...

Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey

More new and other...

Sadness can still overtake..tears come at unexpected and expected moments. Which, any book or 'experienced' grieving person will tell you...'this is just the way it is"..and will be for awhile..

Abbey and I did travel to see niece-nephew-in-law...in Las Vegas area. It was nice to see them and their full- of -life young boys. Just fun to have that kiddie energy around. Side note of no particular meaning but worth mentioning: Forgot what good custard tasted like. Abbey and I had some..and it ranked *****
The other purpose for going to Vegas was taking Abbey to see the production of "Phantom Of The Opera" at the Venetian. Becky and I saw it quite a few years ago here in LA and she really liked it. I thought it might be a 'snapshot in life' moment for Abbey and I to go. And it was. She really enjoyed it. All of the it. The costuming was fab, the music, and the chandelier were all quite a spectacle to her. Yeah, Vegas has the gambling, but the family shows most of the time are no gamble, they produce a profitable night to the entertainment persona...And I have to mentioned this. WE had one empty seat next to us..when most around us were full. Now I gotta say, the irony was not only the empty seat, but that our tickets were initially issued for the wrong night. WE got right up to the entrance and had to return to the ticket agent. Well, they moved us even closer to stage and sure enough, there was that empty seat..while most of the rows in the center section, where we were seated, were quite full. OK, I'll take it as a sign...I really will. I am usually not so on board with this, but that night, I was...I/we embraced it. I said, "Lord, so be it, thank you"....let the show begin..

Reality can even hurt more..the numbness wears off a bit and you begin to emerge from the fragile egg of grief with a heart of confusion and heaviness. Yet, you are also determined to make this day a productive one, to exercise, to communicate with family and friends, to refresh the house (this needs a little more production work)..To motor on..almost feeling like the child storybook ..'the little engine that could'. You chug on.. while reflecting, revisiting, recalling what was..and still must try to cope with this new hill you have to climb, the 'new' life and 'track' you now must travel on...the hill to climb is quite a challenge..this may chug on for awhile. But press on, chug on we will...WE will celebrate life and venture toward new challenges..new travels and more...

Thank you all for your love..We have literally taped the cards on the wall..It is magnificent and very healing to view..very.

Celebrate life..Good health and abundant blessings to you all..

Bill and Abbey

Reality..to surreal and back..

Real and yet still so surreal....I suppose it is now more of a reality that my sweetie is gone. I think this is somewhat normal..some books tell you it may take awhile to realize such loss. Sometimes I think I should get in the car and go to City Of Hope and pick her up. I know this feeling will fade..but after such an incredible journey this fade may take another week or few weeks to subside. Abbey and I are doing reasonably OK with the daily walk. Some days are more 'gray' and melancholy than others and some days have a brighter tone-feel. We are staying busy with various activities. Some travel done, and more to come..looking forward to it..
Saw a video at Christmastime on Becky's phone of a very special nurse singing "OH Holy Night" just outside Becky's hospital room...lovely voice, lovely moment to view..I had tears.

Again, we are thankful, so grateful for the wonderful love being poured out on Abbey and me..WE feel it...I still think about the day of Becky's service and see that chapel overflow and I am warmed to the soul's core.. It will never leave my mind's eye, nor my heart's deepest canals..
You can have faith, you can harbor endless hope, but the greatest of these IS love.. (1 Cor 13:13)

WE love you. Thank you for journeying with us..giving us hugs, and various other avenues of support..

Big virtual hug back at you..

Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey

Each day..

Continue to be inspired and touched to the core by the many who have shown such great love and care during this time. We all know how the human touch, a calm voice, a listening ear can soothe the grief. Thank you. Abbey and I send an immeasurable cargo of love back at you.
Of course, our hearts have a cavity of sadness and disbelief..Yes, I know this will subside, but the boundary for this declination has no time stamp. Again, thank you for soothing this cavity with your prayers and support..

I was just perusing through a few past cards and letters Becky and I wrote to each other. All I can say is wow. I encourage you to take the time to do so..no matter the situation you may currently be in...Yes, some words can revisit some delicate and perhaps tenuous moments, but some words can assemble a bridge to warmth and smiles.

Abbey doing OK, getting out...but also likes the comfort of home. She made a wonderful dish today..she wants to experiment with recipes..I love it.

Much love to you all..may we all count our blessings..really..

Celebrate Life,

Bill and Abbey

Never underestimate..

Went to get a latte at a local coffee shop this AM..I had forgotten the lady who served somehow knew of Becky's condition, who knows, I may have been in a spouting mood one day and briefly mentioned to her the 'road' being traveled..She asked me today; 'how is your wife?"..I looked at her with a slightly surprised faced, again, not realizing she knew of Becky's illness. I told her of my sweet wife's passing. The wonderful server who did not know this morning when she stepped into work, she would be giving someone a hug and in an instant contribute to the sooothing of grief, did just that. She gave me a hug with tears in her eyes, and of course, tears began to fill mine. She enveloped me with arms, a hug that will and should never be underestimated. I suppose she could have just stayed behind the counter and said..consoling words, that would have been just fine, but with all the genuiness she could muster, she ASKED me if she could hug me, yes asked me, thinking maybe it was not appropriate, or otherwise. I had no time to think about it, I simply allowed it, and thus 'medicine' was administered. She didn't have to do this, but she did..I thanked her of course and went on my way, I tell ya', that iced vanilla latte never tasted so good..never.
Hope you are experiencing some 'tasty' moments in life. Again, the cards, letters, hugs, calls, emails and more sure are warm and comforting, thank you so very much.

Thank you Lord for this day...for the sun, moon and stars..sounds silly, but hey, never underestimate the simple act of saying 'thank you' for these things and more..

Much Love to you all..Celebrate Life.

Bill & Abbey

Still so..

Yes, so surreal. Of course, grieving..sometimes even 'talk' to Becky, but I think this is just natural. Yes, daily functioning, living ,taking walks, eating, smiling, some laughter along with the tears. Abbey doing good, getting out with friends..We talk openly, still just say, 'wow, this is really strange, different'..
And as I have said before, God hears our cries, He knows our needs, the needs of our heart and soul..

Hope all is well with you...may your summer have some laughter..good food and time with family and friends.

Celebrate life,

Bill & Abbey

Cards..notes..

Cards, notes, letters so comforting..so soothing. I know the time will soon come when they will not frequent the mailbox, but for now, they come and they truly help in the grieving process..
So thankful for these..

Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey

Now..

We are trying to adjust to our 'new' reality, Abbey and me. The word that comes to mind and one that we have expresed lately is just plain and simple: "weird". Of course, surreal still seems appropriate, along with other life labels...Emotion does come in waves..the home is good to be in and sometimes, good to be in a neutral location, away from here..but home does have wonderful memories, not just the tough times of illness, nope, not at all, indeed there are some great snapshots of celebrating life and love within these walls..
Now, we do know Mom, Becky is now living free, NO walls in her home, she is celebrating a new life..in a world we can only imagine. We are grateful for the promise of this eternal life..

Hope all is well with you..May you indeed celebrate, enjoy life here on this earth. There is much good to embrace, to pursue..

As time goes on, I know I will reflect on the journey we were on and have words to express about this journey. But for this moment, just got to think about this 'new' chapter, this present day, this immediate night and press on. Carry on...

Much love to you..

Bill and Abbey..

The day...

Hard to express the awe and heartwarming emotion Abbey and I felt when seeing the chapel in overflow. We will never forget it and of course, we will never forget the day. Seeing, embracing, consoling with so many people is one way that deeply soothes us, provides solace and healing. We felt it.. we needed it.We thank God for this..

Thank you for your comments and assurances..There was so much more I wanted to say in my words that day. Ronda spoke from her heart and my sweet daughter Abbey relayed her thoughts so lovingly, so poised, so real and these are not all my accolades, so many have commented on the grace, maturity and transparency she displayed. As you see, the foundation for her life is there..

The week of leading up to the service was one of extreme emotion and yet having to garner every bit of focus possible, in order to make sure all was in place for Saturday. Sleep was elusive..and needless to say, tears were abundant..

The chapel-service was ready for the day. I do thank all who helped make this day what it was..Ronda, Ronda..help me Ronda..and you did..you are wonderful..thank you again for your words, your tribute to a best friend..The day would not have been what is was without you..NO way. Thank you to the family of pallbearers..thanks men. Thanks to the funeral director Shari, for doing such a professional and compassionate job. The wonderful, gifted pastors Glen, Jason, Harry, music Mark..and Bill from Journey Of Faith, thank you, thank you..love you guys..I am so thankful, grateful for Journey Of Faith church in Manhattan Beach for being the body that really does display, act, and deliver on what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ.
Thank you for the music, the songs my brother "J"..you transformed us..big love to you..

I also want to thank those from my childhood hometown in North Carolina for praying, for the calls, for sending the cards and letters, and thank you to my childhood church....I really appreciate your love and support..

This has been an almost 4 year road..Thank you City Of Hope for the past two years of care. As told, Becky spent approx. 200 days and nights there and had probably 75 or more visits, so we got to know that dwelling/location quite well. There are no perfect hospitals, no perfect physicians, no perfect nurses, none, but City Of Hope does provide the comprehensive care that exceeds many. Becky's nurse, the very first day of Becky's in-patient hospital admittance was at the service. We will never forget you, never. Becky often said, she was in the best place she could be...she was so thankful..And so thankful for her primary physician that ordered the extra test in Dec 07', which revealed signs of trouble, thankful for the hematologist that immediately saw her in Santa Monica for a few months, then recommended Dr. Snyder at City Of Hope for the adult stem cell transplant which was Oct 09'.. As I have said, we beat the Myelofibrosis, the 'other' just became the insurmountable nemesis.
Again, there are so many we could thank, the families ( you know who you are) that took care ( and still taking care) of Abbey over the past 3 or so years..We love you so much..I mean really we do. You are family. Thank you to the friends and neighbors who have been so supportive, you know who you are also..thank you for the food, water, gifts and comforting shoulders. To my men's group..love you guys, thank you for the awesome support....I am so very grateful to my workplace for being flexible and accommodating, thanks Scott & Sharon so, so much, and big thanks to my co-worker for Mz. "E" being there.

Thank you to Abbey's schools for being so supportive, caring and understanding. You really were/are so much a part of this road less taken..We will never forget your love, never. Thanks to my friend for driving me to the hospital a couple of pivotal days.. I mean thanks so much dude. Thank you to all who have been keeping up via the blog..thank you for following this journey, which by the way, STILL continues..there is more to be done, more to say and do. If time and constitution are in supply, this story will go beyond the blog...But for now, healing, life, getting back to some reality is on the agenda..plain and simple.
To our families, Abbey and I say/send much love to you..much, much love..
I know I have forgotten many that have been a part of this chapter in our lives..The many that have prayed for us, sent cards, made a quick call, run errands, shared a tear, visited the hospital! I mean thank you..thank you sooo much...Oh and thanks to E & C for sending the picture!

Becky, my wife of 19 years..is now running free in glory..Abbey and I are comforted in this. We are, of course, trying to grip our loss..trying to find reality, doing the best we can to carry on, and yet, carry on we will, we must. I was given/blessed with a great wife, a woman of strength, kindness, grace, wisdom, great courage, and deep, deep love for family and God...Abbey was given a mother of the same traits, plus unconditional love..and Becky taught her what true beauty is..Inside and Out..

What does tomorrow hold? Cliche statement; we just don't know.

We make plans, then life happens. But we still gotta make plans, keep the hand on the plow. I will selfishly ask the Lord for many more years on earth to watch my daughter grow and thread her way in the big, real world. Honestly though, I think she will be OK...she has just been/is incredible.

Again, we are so overwhelmed with the service..it was beautiful to us..thank you.
Thank you God for your undergirding this journey, you are truly faithful, when we are faithless. You heard my prayers, saw the tears, the frustration, the impatience, you saw-heard the cursing along with the praise. We know you are continuing to oversee us as we carry on..dream on, live on. Glory to you..

And please, please to you all I say, as we have always said..

Celebrate life! Really Celebrate life.

Love,

Bill & Abbey

PS. I went to the Santa Monica pier the other day, just me, hadn't been there in like forever. I had dropped Abbey off at another location. I actually rode the carousel..Becky and I loved carousels, we swirled on one during our honeymoon. I was indeed celebrating life and good memories.

Service..

Becky's 'Celebration Service':

Saturday, May 28th at 11am

GRACE CHAPEL

Inglewood Park Cemetery
720 East Florence Ave.
Inglewood, CA 90301


Thank you all for your love, support and prayers..It comforts Abbey and me so much..so very much.

We are preparing to Celebrate the life of my sweet wife, Abbey's wonderful mother this Saturday...

Bill

Rebecca Lynn Lauten..hope to heaven

From City Of Hope to City Of Heaven

Yesterday at approx. 3:30 pm, Rebecca Lynn Lauten, a beautiful, sweet wife and excellent mother, left the confines of this world, but now enjoys the unimaginable freedom in the eternal kingdom of God. Paradise is now before her..Jesus said it was so, and we believe/know it. The journey to this paradise was filled with suffering and great trial, but this earthly journey also had great triumph and shouts of praise.
Our hearts ache, Abbey and I are exhausted beyond measure. I am comforting her and she is comforting me. Yesterday will be forever etched into our soul..We sang a few songs, cried with abandon, reality was seemingly nowhere to be found, we thought this was not our lives at this time, but it was...and we knew we had to see this day through until some finality was seen, and at 3:30pm it was..But the her journey will continue on..for Becky lives in us..Abbey's beautiful face magnifies her mother's..It is so hard to write this, I cannot believe after 3 or so years it still came to an earthly end like it did, but it did..and acceptance is the word I gravitate toward, but now, I search for another word..but just cannot find it, only to say, I know Becky is free, no more IV's, no more pills, no more limited mobility and more. She endured with incredible courage..even until the end.
She had no pain, no discomfort..Only dignity was seen within the framework of this day.
Thank you all so much, so very much for your prayers. Becky could not continue on the path she was on before the stem cell transplant, the only curative option, daily life had difficulties before transplant, and though complete healing was not realized, miracles did occur on this path..they did. She WAS healed of the disease Myelofibrosis, but other complications were just too complex and consistent..
In the days ahead, we will ask the Lord for comfort and peace...We will seek privacy, but also seek the comfort of a friend's voice and we will need your generous hugs..we will cry, wail more, we will hurt, hold the pillow tight, talk to Mommy, Becky..we will smell her, feel her..but we will also carry on the best we can. Becky and I wanted to one day tell of this incredible journey, and I do hope this can be achieved. My wife was so strong, she loved God, loved me unconditionally loved her daughter with no end..The foundation is laid for Abbey, truly it is. Much of the work is done..I have to just keep a watchful eye on her..

Much Love to you all and as Rebecca Lynn Lauten would say, celebrate life!...and my baby, I can only imagine what you are seeing..


NOTE** Plans are still being finalized, but it appears her "celebration service" will be this Saturday, May 28th, Inglewood Cemetery at 11am, but again this could change, will post final details in a day or two.

Trusting..

Heart shattered into a thousand pieces..but trusting in His sovereignty.
We ask for peace, comfort and of course, amazing healing..
Much love to you all..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey..

Today..

Today Abbey and I simply held Becky's hand..massaged her feet, talked to her, hummed a song or two. Becky, is of course, heavily sedated, it is required when on ventilator. Abbey was talking to Mommy and says felt a slight tingle from her thumb. Abbey said "I know she heard me"..the sounds of the world stopped when Abbey told me this, I just tucked these words from my daughter deep inside me.
Medically, there is no improvement in her condition. This is indeed a point no one wants to see their loved one reach, but we are here..Again, we will discuss with a few physicians on Friday what action should be taken. honestly feel like I am writing the end scene of an epic film..and somehow I think everyone will be OK after the scene is over. I know, it's almost silly..but Becky loved me for my silly analogies, and she would love this one. My friends, writing this blog has really split my inner 'private box' open..I like to journal my/our feelings, but displaying them for countless others to see, can sometimes take great constitution, but again it is what should absolutely be..Becky likes this. WE wanted to be as transparent as possible.
Abbey and I are tired, this has been and is very long journey, but we are doing OK considering, we really are. We came home after the hospital, watched the latest Narnia movie to take us away..and it did..far away. I want to tell you how I do believe/know God is in all the details despite what we may sometimes think. The rental of the car has turned out to be a welcomed transportation detour. Abbey and I were discussing this morning that it is nice to get into a car that is not the one we have been driving back and forth to the hospital. What an unbelievable week for our regular car to need repair, but again, we embrace the new ride. Yes, our car will be ready tomorrow or the next day, so back to ride reality, but for now, just don't care..the breakdown may have been a 'no, not this @#$@!! moment', and I may be crazy, but thank you God for this little hiccup.
Our hearts are very heavy..we just get through an hour, then another. We will still think and pray of good things to happen, we do, but we are bracing for what may happen..
Dear God, comfort my daughter..please..and please give me the strength to be what she needs when she needs it. and thank you for who she is..she has the courage of her mother, and yes, 'we can do all things through Him who strengthens us'.

Enjoy life..Celebrate life..

All our love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Information...

Pretty tough informational day..I am just going to leave it at that.
But will say, some things have improved or at least have remained stable..some diagnosis or situations remain quite ominous and overly threatening..Not that I haven't revealed this in past writings, it's just now there is more to comprehend..
Thank you all for your love and prayers..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Another try...closer..

Yes, another try to perhaps remove ventilator, or at least see if Becky could sustain breath without it working for her.. I am putting it in extreme layman's terms, but that's just my grasp of it at this time..Good news is, got closer to this goal, but just couldn't make the call to go without vent, heart rate went where didn't want to go... Other good news is, Becky is somewhat breathing on her own, but vent has to assist, again, since she is sedated. But sedation has been decreased even more since yesterday. So we press on...
Thank you again for your many prayers..

Celebrate life..

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Ventilator try...

Abbey and I walked in to see a more responsive, mom, Becky. Her eyes almost totally visible..and we got head nods! YES. The sedation med had been reduced, due to the effort of trying to maybe, maybe remove the ventilator, thus a more aware Becky. After so many days of seeing her lie so motionless, then to see her eyes, the head movement, what a boost to Abbey and me. As I think I mentioned earlier, the sedation and pain med are there so she will not feel the sensation of the tubes going down her throat and nose. You would naturally want to pull them out. We, of course, told her,..we loved her and that we were here for her, we encouraged her over and over, stroked her hands and head,..
Here's the part I would wish no one to experience. So difficult have some communication, then only to have it almost completely vanish. Her recognition of our words and assurances were still there when Abbey and I left for the day, but she had to be sedated again, thankfully not to the level she had been under. Here's the fact: the ventilator removal didn't work today. Her heart rate was of great concern, it is believed she may have been feeling the ventilator apparatus and it was causing overwhelming anxiety. Even her shoulders did a slight left right nod. So, thankfully no chances taken, had to increase the sedation to calm her. But again, not as heavy as before, so there was still some slight back and forth communication with Becky. This sequence of events was so piercingly mixed..heart wrenching, but also heartwarming to communicate in some small way with her. Today, the threshold was reached for a return back to the sedation, yet, another try tomorrow. The pulmonologist said we will come in even more gradual and "I feel we can do this", she said. Becky's oxygen use isn't much higher than when she was not on vent, but the vent is/ has to breathe for her, since she is sedated. Becky's kidneys were more improved, liver levels still high, but hematologist said there are some positive things..
Dear God, keep my wife's heart calm, keep her comfortable...if indeed the removal procedure is attempted again tomorrow..
I am a bit on edge, duh, ya think? But I am overall, calm. Abbey is calm. And as I have said, she calms me. We are just trying to grasp this unbelievable chapter in an unbelievable journey. but we know everyone has a story, everyone, some stories much more dynamic than ours...and I also say, some of the dynamics in a life-altering journey can be beautiful, and we had a some beautiful moments while traveling this uncertain road.

As always, thank you for praying, Becky has shown some improvement, she has, but an Everest-like climb remains before us. Father God, remind me of your sovereignty during this uncertain moment.
And yes, Becky would definitely say...

Celebrate life.. Celebrate it!

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Holding...

Holding...and as earlier said, will evaluate with primary hematologist just where we are..Becky's kidneys some better. That's great. And as also earlier said, I just know she hears me, us. Early in day, periodic moments when eyelids wanted to open even more than yesterday..this delights my heart and equally rips me me apart. I just clinch my fist and want her beautiful blue eyes to open fully and look at me. Just rubbed her feet, hands and talked to her..
Love to you all...We do so embrace your prayer... we have felt them. We hope, we petition in prayer for a reversal of this unwanted state/condition..we do. .
Big love to all of you for the wonderful kindness and sacrifice being displayed during the course of this long, long journey....thank you sooo much..We are humbled, very...Many times, Becky and I have had tears when receiving such love and assistance..We thank God for you..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Today...

Got a call this AM that pulmonary Dr. wanted to do a broncoscopy..saw some fluid/pneumonia troubled areas that were not seen in Xray yesterday. Wow, really? I told them I wanted to speak to our lead physician, but he was not on call this Sat. So got a call about an hour later from another hematologist. They said, not urgent, it's OK, can discuss with primary hematologist on Monday. OK, fine...
Abbey and I visited Mommy later in the day, her eyelids wanted to open...it was so great to see some movement...Abbey thought she even saw her move her head. I was wrong in stating yesterday, that they may be reducing the pain med, they are actually increasing. They thought perhaps Becky was feeling increased discomfort. Abbey and I looked at each other and said 'this sucks'..and I'm sorry to be so contrite, frivalent or silly...but it does. We are in this for whatever it takes, but this is hard. Abbey seemed to not want to stand over Mom's bed for an extended length of time like past visits, understandably so, enough said. We gave her a foot rub which she loves.
As we drove back today, we cranked some 80's and 90's tunes, some current songs and the song by Rascal Flatts "Stand By You" sure had some heartfelt lyrics..I grabbed Abbey and said' I will stand by you' which, of course, I think she knows that by now, ahhh hello, AND she stands by me. She is a great comfort, sometimes counselor to me, tells me to calm down when my edge to just too edgy. She has been making sure we have a good dinner or at least think about having a good dinner. I am still astounded by her grace, her maturity, her soothing voice comforting, assuring her Mother that we are here for her, and this is one of those moments I've mentioned that some wonderful beauty has been seen during this journey, well, to see and hear this, is indeed a moment of heart speaking to heart beauty, I will never forget it. Yes, we are here for Mommy..and we choose to believe she can hear it..
Hope all is well with you my friends..Thank you again for your sweet, enveloping prayers. We are not giving up...no.

Always Celebrate life...

Love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

As usual..

As usual Becky is the fighter..the courageous one. The pneumonia, slightly improved. The kidneys were approaching a level of perhaps needing dialysis..I was told this a few days ago, well they are somewhat improved. Her liver has plateaued, for it was becoming a very serious issue, but again, it appears to have reached a holding point. Her eyelids actually flickered a bit today when I first walked and said: 'hey baby, I'm here, I love you'. I don't know if this may become more common since the pain medication, from my understanding, has been slightly lessened, but I don't care, I saw my wife move...The words 'glimmer of hope' we given to me.."What does this mean I asked?" "Well, let's just wait and see", says the physician who previously hugged me, as if to say, there is no glimmer. He asked me today, "have you talked to your daughter?", "Well, yeah, not only talked but she has seen Mom and is trying to process this." So here it is, we wait until Monday to see if the ventilator can be removed, this is closely examined and decision is determined by the monitor levels seen. . If removed, then of course, Becky could perhaps breathe on her own, for now, from what I understand, she could not sustain a desired breathing period. Should I be surprised with the courage and comeback of Becky? Of course not. She's unbelievable. The prayers showered by many have penetrated that ICU room. Yes, we know The Lord works miracles...He does.. We need it...
I wilted in the corner chair yesterday and wept like a child, asking my wife to forgive me for giving up perhaps more than she has. I almost couldn't stand over her bed and tell her my will or hope for her to recover had greatly weakened. I know she would understand. I see much more bad than good...After almost 200 off and on days and nights in the hospital, probably 50 to 75 visits at this hospital and other medical locations, and very precarious situations at home, I know this is the absolute worst I have ever seen her. Ever. I love my wife.. and I am willing to do anything, anything it takes get her home, and if she is discharged from that hospital, I will swim the pacific ocean with her in tow in the most beautiful boat I can find, we will find a remote wedding chapel, renew our vows of 20 years..And if she wants to walk down the aisle of Westminster Abbey, I'll do my best to arrange this also...
Thank you all for your prayers. God has heard them, along with mine and he's heard my frustration and words I do not like to repeat...He's bigger than me, so I know He can handle it, understand it. I love Him.
I love you all so much. Becky knows you are pulling for her..
I was driving to the hospital yesterday, the the radio volume while listening to Tom Petty's "Freefallin" was probably heard in Bombay. I felt like I wanted to freefall out into nothing, and I also wanted to write Becky's name in the sky.
So again, we re-evaluate Monday...

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

So...

So we wait. There is a new med being introduced that may help quell or at least halt the pneumonia. The fluid is evident. Period. A Doctor explaining the new med and possible scenarios, gave me a hug I will never forget. He had such compassion. Listen, we do believe in the God of miracles. He is still looking for miracle arenas...we are ready with open arms. I mean it..We are also trying to prepare ourselves for what may happen after 72 hours..Friday, the Physician team will evaluate Becky's condition and discuss options..This tears at the very core of our heart and soul. My sweet daughter and I are together...we are calm, we are both breathing the air as if we want to breathe for Becky..

My sweet wonderful wife, the mother of a beautiful inside and out daughter, wrote in her journal only a few days ago...

'trial, pain, joy, healing..Celebrate Life!'

That's what she would want me to say..

Love to you all..Give big hugs to your family..

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Another level..

I guess that's the only way I can describe it..Becky is at another level, and it appears in the reverse..the decision to put her on the ventilator was made. If there were no hope, then this would not even have been done, but there is still hope. My sweet, loving, kind gentle wife needs to make large steps forward, infant steps are OK, but we need large steps according to the pulmonologist who did the broncoscopy/ventilating procedure. When the moment came for the procedure, all I could do was bury my head in Becky's chest and say 'damn'.. That was my vocal and mind reflex action, I don't think I've said it much during this entire journey, but today, at that moment that's all I could say and probably a few other choice words....Then I said over and over "I love you, I love you'..then in one instant, her left arm came high in the air and was draped over my shoulder and back, it was real, she was not to trying to take out the oxygen feed..Her loving arm felt like the warm sun on my back..I cried, I squeezed her gown..I told her I was here for her..I even heard a slight murmur, I am going to take it as "I am here for you too, I love you". Again, the physician said, this should be done, we need to get some fluid out and see just what type of fluid it is, and if there is another method of treatment needed. I will hold on, I will not give up, my wife is not giving up, she said the other day about this unbelievable journey, 'better me than you', and she is correct, I just don't know if I would had the courage she has displayed during this sometimes very dark road.
I sang .."I love you Lord and I lift my voice, to worship you oh my soul rejoice, take joy my King in what you hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear"..I sang a chorus of 'Rugged Cross".. I sang "You Are So Beautiful to me".. Becky has a better musical ear than me, so she probably heard some off notes and wanted correct me..
I do hope and pray the next blog will have some good news..I do. Now, we just wait, I hold her hand, I talk to her, I wear her necklace and wedding ring..The ventilator is relieving her of the heavy breathing she was having to do on her own. Sounds clinical, but I suppose I am grateful for this machine..
Abbey is OK..she is at school.. She knows we are at another level..Pray for my sweet daughter to stay healthy herself, to eat well etc..We did have some great Mother's Day moments yesterday..We really did..I thank God we were able to have these..

and yes, Celebrate Life..

Much Love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Mother's Day..still ICU

Had a nice Mother's Day with Becky...Took her a balloon, but ICU does not let in room, but she saw it from a distance..Abbey and I walked in and saw what we thought to be a worsening condition. Oxygen had been increased, a 'monitor sitter' was in the room watching, ensuring Becky would not pull the oxygen feed from her nose, she wants to 'scratch' it out....the first hour she seemed more lethargic, and I know much of this is due to low sodium, meds and other major issues. Her eyes do not open to much, but let me say, soon she was fairly lucid, knew most all that was going on and was absolutely funny..it was beautiful. She ate some toast and cottage cheese, Abbey fed her. Perhaps a bit of 'looks worse than maybe she is' was seen..low sodium can impact heavily..in Becky's case, it is a medicinal balancing act to raise the sodium, a bit precarious. but it can be done..Anti-biotics are still being administered for pneumonia and secondary blood infection. She did need some red blood about two days ago..
A cute moment, Abbey and I went out for a bite to eat, as we were leaving, we asked her if she wanted anything, Becky loudly whispered with almost childlike zest, 'ice cream'..So, we had our orders, thus soft serve ice cream was soon brought back to Becky. Abbey also fed this to Mom. A moment to see on Mother's Day, the young daughter feeding Mom, but it came natural. Hard to say it any other way, it just flowed. Abbey's composure, her compassion remain incredible..
We just don't know what each day holds. We really do not...I see improvement, I see some steps back..The pulmonologist was nearby today, but did not stop by the room, and ya know what, this is a good sign. Thus no need to absorb the word critical at this time..Still very serious.
We had a prayer with Mommy..it was great. Comfort, healing, strength all peppered in our prayers..
To all the mothers reading this. Hope your day was indeed fulfilling..
Abbey and I will, of course, remember this Mother's Day 2011..yes, the intensive medical care floor will be an indelible image of where my sweet wife and Abbey's loving mother was seen, but we tried to give her a more intensive love-care..I hope we succeeded..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Stable..

Stable is the word. Abbey and I did not go today. Becky knew we had to take care of quite few things at home which we did..we are.. She had a few visitors which was nice. Oxygen holding at a good rate. Still having anxiety when breath is hard to find..but again, fairly calm for most the time. Appetite is pretty darn good, thus getting the nutrients she needs, besides just saline and other sustainers..She has not gotten out of bed for approx. a week or so. Got to work on this. Movement does exhaust her, causes the fluid to move..but she can do some slight bed movement which does help. Anti-biotics for the pneumonia and the secondary infection are going to work..and of course still on the steroids and other meds. The Pulmonologist did say, if we continue stablilty and perhaps more improvement seen, there is a chance she may leave ICU Monday..a chance.
One hour, one day at a time we press on...We will climb the best we can..
Hope you are having a good day..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Wow*..well, radiator on car now appears to be whack..had some problems the other night while driving to hotel from hospital, my bro-in-law help me put the hose back on the next day, thought, 'well, that was easy, a simple fix'.. well it wasn't/isn't so easy, just drove it tonight nearby, got home, is now leaking quite profusely. Will, of course, correct this minor problem, no biggie, but I gotta say, the timing is a little rough...Just wanted to make a note of this, so when I look back I can hopefully chuckle..

Right direction..

Becky's condition appears to be in the forward direction..Her breathing is better.. She is more alert. Thank God, NO breathing tube needed, so far. Her oxygen is good..She had some great moments with Abbey...one or two brief 'normal-like' conversations.. Talking of school, our dog and more. Today was actually the best we have seen her in the 4 days in ICU. She is able to lean forward in bed..she wanted her back rubbed, and it felt like medicine to her.. Her eyes were clearer...her words were almost at complete sentence level versus just a breath of one or two words. When she can't catch or find her breath she experiences major anxiety.. major..
Yes, there are some very serious issues, the fluid in the lungs, a second infection in the blood detected...the GVH is throwing a punch. Her liver was of great concern, but now appears to be stable..She is very, very weak...She did say early yesterday, that she wanted to 'give up'..I think I have heard Becky say this only once in this unbelievable journey.... Well, she didn't give up, she hasn't..The road back to even where we were will once again be laborious..very tough. This hurts her the most, losing her strength, but one day at a time..we will try to get it back.. We have had a wonderful 8 months at home, since her last hospitalization, thus making this hospital stay even more disappointing than the others..
Having Abbey at the hospital was very good. Very good..If the decision to put Becky on the ventilator/breathing machine was realized, then from what I understand, communication would have been almost non-existent. But I really don't think the ventilator is going to happen. Indeed some positive moments were seen in the last 24 hours..To those of you who prayed and are still praying, from places all across the US and more... thank you, thank you...Becky knows you are praying..We don't understand the incredulous uncertain depths of the medical situations Becky has had to endure..we really don't..We just trust, ask the Lord to get us through them. Questions? frustrations? some anger? you bet..Plenty of hurt and exhaustion to go around..but faith, trust that God will comfort us through this..He knows our pain. Though Becky can't hold enough focus to read right now, as we were leaving, she did want her Bible and a devotional near her..I do try to emphasize the positive..but these last few days were seen as dark, sad..But again, there is a desired direction being seen.

Much love to you all. Perhaps some of you may have great trials at this time...May you find the strength to endure them..
Thank you again..the prayer of many can do great things...

Celebrate life, Enjoy it..

Bill, Becky and Abbey...

Intensive care...

Yes, moved to ICU...breathing/oxygen complications, fluid making it's presence known in chest area..and some in lungs..Good news is, the oxygen level being given has been decreased slightly. There is some improvement. But no doubt, serious was the word and still is. But Becky is holding quite steady, and again, some improvement seen. GVH is swirling in the abdomen area. This is never fun. Liver is showing some unusual numbers, but this could/can be direct cause of meds. She is very lethargic, (the meds can cause quite a bit of this) but aware of surroundings. And appetite has been quite good. It was so cute..last night she said, "I want a cheeseburger, fries and coffee"..she really had the appetite for this..so off I go at approx. 9pm to a nearby McD's..and she gobbled the burger, ate quite a few fries..loved the coffee. This was a good moment, and she was embracing it..and I was too! Really sweet picture..She had a good amount of breakfast this morning...she is resting now.

So, here's as transparent and as accurate as I can be..the medical jargon can really start to collapse into one big 'what was that again'?
With the slight improvement...vital signs good etc..The Dr.'s will monitor..and perhaps note more improvement...we of course, PRAY for this..more improvement..
Other solution, a broncoscopy..go in and see what exactly this is in the chest, fluid or infection. Good news on this is. Dr. thinks if it were infection, then fever would most likely been seen, but NO fever and no worsening of current condition. The one thing that may result from the broncoscopy...is that she would have to have ventilator to help her breathe and would have to stay on it with some sedation for an undetermined amount of time...Yes, simply put, a breathing machine..Becky is aware of it. She mostly knows what's up...She is incredible..She has repeatedly said, "I am so sorry I have all this"..she really means it..she wants the burden to ease on us all..

I am sad, my heart and soul literally aches for her..for the entire situation...I am tired but still focused, eating as properly as I can. I love her so much..This is a very difficult time...

Our sweet Abbey knows this is serious...but she hasn't seen Mom in a few days..I will bring her down soon, pray she will have comfort during this time..she is wonderfully amazing your lady..

Forming words a little hard for Becky, due to breathing issues, but she knows what she is saying..she truly does..She knew the day of the week..She asked if Abbey had school uniforms and more..
Dear friends, I do believe we can reverse this...YES, it can be done. But the realist must also emerge..As simple as can be, this could be tough.

WE have cried out in great frustration to God, I have taken huge swings at the air, I have shouted, I have whispered, I/We have given great thanks. The emotions are varied and sometimes extreme, but the hope is still there. There has been improvement..

Dear ones, my sweet wife needs your prayers for the next 48 to 72 hours..In my non-professional judgement, I think I can say, we are not critical at this time...serious/tenuous are the words.

Thank you again for your love, prayers and supports.


WE still want to say..

Celebrate life,


Bill, Becky and Abbey

Tests...

A few tests today...checking thyroid..Ultrasound, mostly for the abdomen area, Xray, looking at the chest area.

Had some physical therapy..which is always good. Appetite not great but she is eating..

Resting well now..

Celebrate Life..

Bill, Becky and Abbey...

We carry on...

Still hospitalized...Looks like pneumonia is making it's exit, but that all too familiar Graft vs. Host disease is making a roar. Becky is weak from the heavy meds, and naturally weak from being in a hospital bed. She is grateful for the progress made, but dejected she will have to regain strength. A unique time in this hospitalization is the fact that Abbey and I were away for 10 days visiting family in NC. We had planned to go last summer but had to cancel since Becky was abruptly hospitalized. It's very amusing that Becky said a few months ago; "no matter where I am, you must take this trip, no cancellation, even if I am in the hospital'..well, I sorta let this directive roll off me, cause the health path was holding steady and glimpses of normalcy were being revealed. I, we almost chuckled, that nothing like hospitalization would occur like the past episodes, though we are well aware, anything can happen at any time. Well, it did, and it happened a week before Abbey and I were to depart and Becky was still adamant we go, so we did. We had a plan if discharge was to happen while we back in NC. Well, she was not discharged, which in some way was a relief to me, but of course this also meant a longer stay at City Of Hope. Abbey and I had a fulfilling time..it was very good for us mentally...the change of environment, seeing the NC family, Grandpa, an Aunt, an Uncle,  and various friends. Walking around, enjoying the small town pace.  Seeing the green trees, the dogwoods, azaleas, eating BBQ and hushpuppies, drinking a boatload of sweet tea, kayaking, and more...It was indeed very good for Abbey to see her Grandpa...
Becky was so glad we went, and I love her so much for clinging to the conviction that Abbey and I should go back east...there would be no talk of cancellation, though believe me, I did mention it, but no matter, the trip was made.
We saw her today..so good to hug and talk of our trip. Very refreshing to us all.
As mentioned, she is weak. Unfortunately, the meds are at levels we haven't seen since the early transplant days..Her platelets are low due to an anti-biotic she needs to keep the pneumonia at bay, she has had one platelet infusion. ..But, we know, we pray, strength will return. There is no sugarcoating, this is not easy now. Quite demoralizing, even more so, because we were on a very manageable and slowly improving road, but, BUT we know, we knew at any time the other 'shoe can/could fall' and it did...We WILL make it through this, but there is no doubt, the ball and chain effect is heavy..We thank you all for your prayers. We feel them. And believe me, we know we are receiving the best medical care possible..

Much Love to you all...May you indeed celebrate the preciousness of life.

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Renewal..restoration..

Becky is hopeful to be discharged on Monday, but this still to be determined...She had some nausea, a certain med level too high was detected, so they of course have to adjust this.
She is feeling pretty good, other than she feels fatigued, and her leg strength will need a renewed and spirited effort to get back to where she was...but it can be done! She has had some visitors which has been nice...She does get tired but it is a good tired as we say. As mentioned countless times, so thankful for the medical care she is receiving. This has been some road to travel, and need I say, proper, professional medical care is a must. Becky has endured much, we just pray she will continue to press on with the courage she has displayed since this journey began...

Our present life-walk hopes for restoration of health, for physical and mental renewal. Easter does offer hope, renewal and promise. We are thankful for this promise, for life everlasting. Though the trials the Lord endured were indeed horrendous, there was/and is the hope that paradise was possible, and it is..Amen...thank you Lord, for offering this hope.

Give your loved ones a big hug...

Enjoy each and every day..Yes, celebrate life..

Bill, Becky and Abbey

BETTER!

Removed oxygen feed, breathing good without it! A very good thing. Reduction in steroids..this is always a good thing. Still some pretty heavy anti-biotics and other meds, but Dr. says 'it's looking good in there'...
Becky a little/lot bummed that her legs are weak. She was getting some good strength in them, before this setback, but the darn steroids can cause weakness, legs almost a 'noodle-like' effect in the legs, or feels that way. Balance becomes an issue. But in time, this will come back..it will.
Thank you for your prayers..thank you so much. Hope your week is going well.
We look forward to Easter!

Celebrate life!

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Hospital...

Improving. Treatment adjusted to the specific pneumonia Becky has..A strain that is very, very serious..Her breathing is better. She still receiving a low dose of oxygen. Steroids, anti-biotic meds and other 'helpers' are part of the regime..She was in a good frame of mind today, especially since Abbey and I were there together..So good for her to hug and touch her daughter. Always the best medicine. As earlier mentioned, thought this may be a few days stay but truly we do not know...hopefully just another week or so, yet, this to be determined. We will press on..we will get through this...one day at a time.. We hope and you are pressing on.. God Bless you.. Celebrate life, Bill, Becky and Abbey

Admitted..again..

Been almost 9 months since last hospital stay. As written many times, we were experiencing some normalcy, some calm..and up until this past weekend..it seemed we were really staying this course, but we are/were well aware, things can change within a matter of 24 to 48 hours and they did. Becky had fever, but did subside while home, but dehydration and shallow breathing, lack of med intake were major concern..so correct decision made..must go to hospital. Becky very weak, difficult to even make it to car . We do our best not to overact when issues arise, we just do what we have to do. and again, we knew we had to go.. Dissappointed yes..almost surreal. Here we go again. But also relieved, we knew it was best. The breathing issue needed to be addressed..  Fluids at hospital immediately served for a more alert Becky...many tests were administered. Well, it is Pneumonia. Yes, Pneumonia. 

A fungal/bacteria pneumonia.   Meds adjusted for it and already she feels better. We think this stay may be only a few days, but we have been around the block a time or two..we never know. But again, she is doing better..breathing still somewhat shallow, but there is noticeable improvement just within last 24 hours. 

Still a little surreal. But we just get 'back in the game', adjust the life strategy and move on, hold on..but who's kidding who? It's not easy to do this...We ask the Lord to get us through another trial. We ask for strength, patience and more.. Becky was fairly upbeat tonight. Had good voice..She was just so glad to be feeling better.. Hope you are all feeling well. Stay positive and prayerful. We will get through this....again... 

Celebrate life,.. Bill, Becky and Abbey

A little under..

Had a down day Sunday and most of today..Nausea, headache, weak..Graft vs. Host related? Honestly, not sure..we'll see. There is a slight bit of improvement tonight..As always, appreciate your prayers. Stay tuned..

Celebrate Life,

Bill, Becky, & Abbey..(who, as I have said before, is doing good in school, maintaining good grades and if I may say, mostly displays a maturity beyond her years. Of course, she has had some mature situations to withstand)

Just thankful..

Becky so thankful for being able to do the things she can do...Still has fatigue and the heavy meds to deal with, and that nuisance Graft vs. Host disease, otherwise, we really are thankful she can do some household chores and a few other normal life goodies.
She gets CT scan in a few days..make sure those lungs are clear. And as mentioned, this will determine if we can drop a heavyweight med. YES! Love being able to say goodbye to another pill. But make no mistake, so grateful for the meds that have sustained, cured, prevented further illness or worse. Thankful for all those who have contributed to the research, the clinical trials, even the failures that provided the way not to go, which of course lead to the trail of triumph and cure.
Becky is the beneficiary of years of these trials and triumphs. Many of us are the beneficiaries of those who have gone before us, who suffered heartbreak and catastrophic circumstances which again paved the way for more Physicians and researchers to be firsthand observers of what treatments are best for total cure. I realize this may sound almost guinea pig-like, but even Becky's suffering will ultimately help someone. Her 150 days and nights in the hospital will somehow contribute more to the total eradication of her once bodily held disease Myelofibrosis. YES, once held, now gone. Thank you Lord for suffering for our sins..AMEN and Amen. Now cured.

Peace and goodness to you all.

Much Love,

Celebrate life..

Bill, Becky and Abbey

A good tired..

Had some family over...young children scampered throughout the house. Becky cooked and really had good stamina throughout the day..She was exhausted by night's end, and all of the next day and part of the next! Otherwise, she did really well.
Was a nice shot of that normalcy we've been hinting at lately. She has to have a CT scan within a few days..making sure those lung spots we've mentioned before are staying all nice and dormant and tiny, tiny. There is a strong med she will be able to cease if these little culprits truly have remained quiet and somewhat 'destroyed'...We embrace this!

Hope you are embracing good days..Some things we just don't understand do we?
But we have to trust and pray that all will somehow work together for good..though we all know getting to that 'good' requires the sustenance of an all-knowing God. But again, it just ain't easy sometimes..

May your latte have a soothing touch this week..

Celebrate life!

Love..

Bil, Becky and Abbey

IV..with a twist.

IV at City Of Hope...A big bunch of antibodies infused, though this time we were told the complex elixir was originally in powder form and had to be mixed and stirred with the liquid components thus completing the final compound or med. We were told a few patients had not absorbed this particular mix of gamma globulins as well as the 'all liquid' med. Some had abnormal reactions. Well, Becky did OK. She did get a little warm and red in the face which can happen, and her abdomen did have some pain afterward, but all did come to a calm conclusion or result. She was tired from the 3 to 4 hour drip but again, glad all was eventually smooth. She is still taking a small pharmacy. The steriods, the other immunosuppressant drugs have their effects, both very beneficial and sometimes motor-dibilitating. But we know she needs them. Must see TV, well, her life is 'must-have' meds, for now. But we also know this will one day not be the case..We realize we have made strides and continue to do so. We know many of you are making great strides in your stories, and yes, everybody does have a story. Thousands in Japan have a story..thousands have a story to tell for generations to come. May we pray for their recovery, both physical and emotional..
We thank you all for reading this blog, many of you have told us of your reading it, and it means so much to us. Becky is boosted by each time someone relays this to her. In closing, may the spirit of the Lord guide you and keep you.

And never forget to celebrate life!

Love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey..

IGG number and..

The IGG level low/ Immunoglobulin-(antibodies), thus an infusion of fresh antibodies neccessary. It's called gamma globulin therapy, which we will administer within a few days. This will of course boost the immune system, allowing Becky to fight off infection more efficiently. Darn, we were hoping this IGG level wouldn't be low, but we aren't surprised either. We've been down this road quite a few times, we are grateful this complex med is available..
Becky had a good day..did some laundry and cooked a great meal.
Hope you also had a great day.

May you feel/know the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Celebrate life!

Bill, Becky and Abbey (who got a wonderful grade report today) :)

We'll take it...

Had the regular City Of Hope hospital visit..All labs looked good except one reading. Have to increase one of her heavyweight meds, a little disappointing but otherwise, we'll take it. Platelets were good! White count good! And as of this posting, we haven't heard if her IGG level is low, if it is, then the big time IV is administered..But as it is said, no news is good news. Becky feeling pretty good, except for that same ol' same ol' been writing about, the GVH that's making a nice home. But we do know, in time, this 'monster' WILL go away! It demoralizes her, but she also knows she can't sulk about it..We knew this after effect could happen and it did. She is cooking some wonderful meals, doing laundry and sporadically able to go to the market or mall. So, as mentioned before, we are seeing some normal days! Driving is still seen as distant goal, but no worries, been OK without for over a year and a half, what's another six months or so? Hope and pray all is well with you. As we've said before, we know many of you are having trials. We think of you. We know it's hard to endure some days, but ask the Lord to give you strength to make it through just this time, just this moment..HE will, He really will undergird your journey.

Much Love to all and never forget to Celebrate LIFE!

Bill, Becky and Abbey (who is only 3 months away from completing her Freshmen year of high school..! huh?)

Enjoying...

Enjoying some good days..but again, that darn GVH...mouth area. Otherwise, stable and steady. Been doing quite a few loads of laundry lately! Yahoo!
Perhaps many of you have been effected by this new hard hitting virus 'illness'.. Many kids at Abbey's school have been out a week a more. The usual suspects, fever, cough, congestion, but this strain is a prize fighter...Many adults have also been hard hit. Becky been able to keep this one away.
Hope all is well with you..WE truly give thanks in all things..WE know there is much to overwhelm us in this world, but we still thank God for the goodness, for the kindness, for the healing, and for the beauty we see.

As always, Celebrate life!

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Happy Valentine's Day...regular visit..

Yes, Happy, Happy Valentine's day to all. Just thinking about : "Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is LOVE".. Yes, love..we gotta love, and this can require a herculean effort at times...but love wins many a battle..
Becky's regular visit a few days ago revealed some good and stable results, though the platelets have dropped. Yet, Dr. was not concerned. The mouth issue still at the forefront. Just dang irritating. But each day that goes by, Becky distances herself from the GVH. As mentioned, we are seeing more normalcy in our days. She is cooking a wonderful Valentine's dinner!!! Love it! Love her...This is quite a welcomed sight..A year ago, Becky could barely eat a full meal, or even half a meal, much less cook one!
Whoppee!

We send you all greetings of love straight from the heart.

Celebrate love, celebrate life, celebrate a good piece of cheesecake..

Bill, Becky and Abbey..