Anniversary Day..those 'firsts'

They call them 'firsts', the first bday without your loved one, first Christmas, first anniversary..you get the idea..

As mentioned in previous blog, Weds would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. What a first..on a 20 year..I knew it would be emotional, and of course it was...I'll spare all the details..except, putting 20 red roses in the vase on my sweetie's resting place was emotional, but also had some wonderful recall...thought of good moments...Then drove to where we got married. The place where the tent stood on that hot July day, 20 years ago..stood and just saw her walking down the aisle..This day 2011, I felt like a huge, overpowering, planet sized magnet was beneath my feet..now I get it, I think I was realizing, experiencing the way I felt in 1991 when she walk down the aisle...feet heavy, but almost comically, felt like I wanted to run, well kinda sorta, not really...now I comically chuckle, so glad I didn't, the 'magnet' kept me grounded to that place, eyes on that bride, heart saying this is it..and 19 years, 10 months later, stayed grounded, stayed with eyes and heart on that bride. Thank you God, thank you for arranging this day in 1991. Yep, it was emotional to be there in that place, but it was the place I needed to be on that day...I cranked a few minutes of "Baby, Baby" from the car..I shouted it. A few hundred yards away, the church and staff..perhaps knew something special was being recreated..or they just didn't bother to come check it out, period...
Then off to have dinner at the restaurant we had our reception. Emotional, you bet..but again, had some great recall of good moments. Had some wedding bridesmaids come! Thank you ladies and for the gentlemen who came. For Kim...who gave Becky a wedding shower..Thank you, thank you..much love to you guys..
Strangely, I am thankful to have had such an emotional day..I really am.

Onward forward..

Celebrate Life..

Bill and Abbey..

20 years..

Early AM 1:30. 20 years ago this day..Happy Anniversary. I know my sweetie is really celebrating life in an unimaginable banquet hall, endless, majestic, eternal....I just know it..
I will celebrate our anniversay here on this earth... cheers..


Bill

Tomorrow..20 years..

Approx. 11pm..thinking about tomorrow and how Becky and I would have celebrated 20 years..July 27th, a hot day in Chatsworth, CA, united under a big yellow and white tent..A beautiful bride and an over-dramatic mullet head dude..in the presence of God, family and many wonderful friends. Never forget it..nor should I. I was so nervous, I was a punk..well sorta.
Becky was amazing. To begin the ceremony, we sang "Baby, Baby" by Amy Grant to each other. I came in too early..she sang right on time. We had our off chords in 19 years of marriage, but we did try to correct the chords..did our best to make the day or week end on a sweet loving note... 20 years..wow. I will be emotional I am sure, already there. But, I know I will reflect upon the good, the finest moments, the beautiful wonderful child, the vacations, the dinner table, the sitting on the couch next to each other and much more.
Yes, reflect upon all that was good, look at the photographs, read the cards and letters..and even whisper a thanks for the small and sometimes huge chasms that appeared, for this is when we had to 'see it through', whatever our frictional moment may have been. Not saying we always did it right, that we worked through all the sandpaper moments, but most we did. Dear God, thank you for 19 years to this loving, incredible, kind, gentle, understanding, pure woman.
July 27th..20 years ago..I am better, richer for this day...

Much Love to you all..

Celebrate the anniversaries..enjoy the simple dinner table..dance a little..

Much love,

Bill and Abbey

Today...

Got early AM latte...usually don't do it on Sunday AM, but felt like it and felt like getting what Becky liked.. a grande' mocha from the Bucks..had about half then finished the rest later in the day. This is just one of those things, I thought you needed to know. Went to church..lots to chew on..then went to some friends house to chew on a little lunch then other friends house for good ol' impromptu visit. Felt a little like a southern thang. It was a fulfilling day to be around these wonderful folks..
Home in late PM, sitting in backyard listening to the music waft from my sweet daughter's window..my mind did a fast forward to a only a few years from now, the music was not escaping from the small opening in her window, the sound of her roaming the house was not heard... to visualize, to actually auditorially imagine no audio coming from this room, a heaviness emerged, but I also knew, her wings would be in motion toward another 'room' in life..the one that allows them-her to become, to express even more of who they are, or just try to find who they are in this sometimes too real, too chaotic world. As said, we give our children roots, and we give them wings, and I know Becky will always be threaded throughout both..
Hope your day had some soaring moments..We press on. God sees our hurts and knows our needs..

Much Love..Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey..

Just thinking and..

I still think about ICU, but I also think of the good days. I read a good quote from a book some great friends gave me; "From time to time I will step into my rooms of joyous memories and close the doors" , trying to do just that...From time to time I also envelope myself in her closet clothes. Ouch. The smell of a loved one has more power than it seems all other senses combined.
Attended a grief support class..maybe a little too soon, maybe not. They say usually best to wait at least a few months. My heart had a deafening beat as I simply introduced myself and said why I was there. Tell me, did time stop for a few seconds in the evening a few days ago? I really think it did. Many need to talk, be around others in the grief world, it is a healthy thing. I will evaluate over next few days if I should return, though no regrets at all in going this time. Got some valuable info to process. My nightly prayers ask for comfort and strength and even if my emotional suitcase is full, I will try to listen to the hurt in others. So here's that newness of life moment..a bird built a nest just inches outside our window, rarely happens. A gentle high pitched out of tune chirping quartet is now heard daily..until, Momma says it's time to go..
Thank you God for this little gift.


Celebrate life's gifts...

Bill and Abbey..

Talking with..

Chatting with Abbey about how fast she thought "it" all seemed to happen in April and May. Though we have been on a long, long path...Becky's decline still somehow seemed quite rapid upon her last hospital admittance. Abbey says it sometimes still feels like a blur...A good conversation we had in the kitchen, while she made some delicious oatmeal cookies..WE do talk it out..but we also let a few days go by..just to process and then stop and have a heart to heart. Even if it's for one minute or one hour.


Of course, we have had many heart to hearts during the past few years. She and Mommy also had quite a few heart to heart, mother to daughter, deep, deep personal moments. Someone told me, and Abbey reiterated, that even though I am here as the single parent, Mom will always 'parent'..I thought about it, and ya know, it rings with truth. This young woman will most likely always hear and feel, the still, strong, steady voice/counsel of Mom.

Abbey is being a 'life is wide open' teen and a woman that must think and act beyond her years....I think she is maintaining a healthy balance of these two worlds..

Hope your world is good and healthy...

Much Love to you all...

Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey

More new and other...

Sadness can still overtake..tears come at unexpected and expected moments. Which, any book or 'experienced' grieving person will tell you...'this is just the way it is"..and will be for awhile..

Abbey and I did travel to see niece-nephew-in-law...in Las Vegas area. It was nice to see them and their full- of -life young boys. Just fun to have that kiddie energy around. Side note of no particular meaning but worth mentioning: Forgot what good custard tasted like. Abbey and I had some..and it ranked *****
The other purpose for going to Vegas was taking Abbey to see the production of "Phantom Of The Opera" at the Venetian. Becky and I saw it quite a few years ago here in LA and she really liked it. I thought it might be a 'snapshot in life' moment for Abbey and I to go. And it was. She really enjoyed it. All of the it. The costuming was fab, the music, and the chandelier were all quite a spectacle to her. Yeah, Vegas has the gambling, but the family shows most of the time are no gamble, they produce a profitable night to the entertainment persona...And I have to mentioned this. WE had one empty seat next to us..when most around us were full. Now I gotta say, the irony was not only the empty seat, but that our tickets were initially issued for the wrong night. WE got right up to the entrance and had to return to the ticket agent. Well, they moved us even closer to stage and sure enough, there was that empty seat..while most of the rows in the center section, where we were seated, were quite full. OK, I'll take it as a sign...I really will. I am usually not so on board with this, but that night, I was...I/we embraced it. I said, "Lord, so be it, thank you"....let the show begin..

Reality can even hurt more..the numbness wears off a bit and you begin to emerge from the fragile egg of grief with a heart of confusion and heaviness. Yet, you are also determined to make this day a productive one, to exercise, to communicate with family and friends, to refresh the house (this needs a little more production work)..To motor on..almost feeling like the child storybook ..'the little engine that could'. You chug on.. while reflecting, revisiting, recalling what was..and still must try to cope with this new hill you have to climb, the 'new' life and 'track' you now must travel on...the hill to climb is quite a challenge..this may chug on for awhile. But press on, chug on we will...WE will celebrate life and venture toward new challenges..new travels and more...

Thank you all for your love..We have literally taped the cards on the wall..It is magnificent and very healing to view..very.

Celebrate life..Good health and abundant blessings to you all..

Bill and Abbey

Reality..to surreal and back..

Real and yet still so surreal....I suppose it is now more of a reality that my sweetie is gone. I think this is somewhat normal..some books tell you it may take awhile to realize such loss. Sometimes I think I should get in the car and go to City Of Hope and pick her up. I know this feeling will fade..but after such an incredible journey this fade may take another week or few weeks to subside. Abbey and I are doing reasonably OK with the daily walk. Some days are more 'gray' and melancholy than others and some days have a brighter tone-feel. We are staying busy with various activities. Some travel done, and more to come..looking forward to it..
Saw a video at Christmastime on Becky's phone of a very special nurse singing "OH Holy Night" just outside Becky's hospital room...lovely voice, lovely moment to view..I had tears.

Again, we are thankful, so grateful for the wonderful love being poured out on Abbey and me..WE feel it...I still think about the day of Becky's service and see that chapel overflow and I am warmed to the soul's core.. It will never leave my mind's eye, nor my heart's deepest canals..
You can have faith, you can harbor endless hope, but the greatest of these IS love.. (1 Cor 13:13)

WE love you. Thank you for journeying with us..giving us hugs, and various other avenues of support..

Big virtual hug back at you..

Celebrate life..

Bill and Abbey