Service..

Becky's 'Celebration Service':

Saturday, May 28th at 11am

GRACE CHAPEL

Inglewood Park Cemetery
720 East Florence Ave.
Inglewood, CA 90301


Thank you all for your love, support and prayers..It comforts Abbey and me so much..so very much.

We are preparing to Celebrate the life of my sweet wife, Abbey's wonderful mother this Saturday...

Bill

Rebecca Lynn Lauten..hope to heaven

From City Of Hope to City Of Heaven

Yesterday at approx. 3:30 pm, Rebecca Lynn Lauten, a beautiful, sweet wife and excellent mother, left the confines of this world, but now enjoys the unimaginable freedom in the eternal kingdom of God. Paradise is now before her..Jesus said it was so, and we believe/know it. The journey to this paradise was filled with suffering and great trial, but this earthly journey also had great triumph and shouts of praise.
Our hearts ache, Abbey and I are exhausted beyond measure. I am comforting her and she is comforting me. Yesterday will be forever etched into our soul..We sang a few songs, cried with abandon, reality was seemingly nowhere to be found, we thought this was not our lives at this time, but it was...and we knew we had to see this day through until some finality was seen, and at 3:30pm it was..But the her journey will continue on..for Becky lives in us..Abbey's beautiful face magnifies her mother's..It is so hard to write this, I cannot believe after 3 or so years it still came to an earthly end like it did, but it did..and acceptance is the word I gravitate toward, but now, I search for another word..but just cannot find it, only to say, I know Becky is free, no more IV's, no more pills, no more limited mobility and more. She endured with incredible courage..even until the end.
She had no pain, no discomfort..Only dignity was seen within the framework of this day.
Thank you all so much, so very much for your prayers. Becky could not continue on the path she was on before the stem cell transplant, the only curative option, daily life had difficulties before transplant, and though complete healing was not realized, miracles did occur on this path..they did. She WAS healed of the disease Myelofibrosis, but other complications were just too complex and consistent..
In the days ahead, we will ask the Lord for comfort and peace...We will seek privacy, but also seek the comfort of a friend's voice and we will need your generous hugs..we will cry, wail more, we will hurt, hold the pillow tight, talk to Mommy, Becky..we will smell her, feel her..but we will also carry on the best we can. Becky and I wanted to one day tell of this incredible journey, and I do hope this can be achieved. My wife was so strong, she loved God, loved me unconditionally loved her daughter with no end..The foundation is laid for Abbey, truly it is. Much of the work is done..I have to just keep a watchful eye on her..

Much Love to you all and as Rebecca Lynn Lauten would say, celebrate life!...and my baby, I can only imagine what you are seeing..


NOTE** Plans are still being finalized, but it appears her "celebration service" will be this Saturday, May 28th, Inglewood Cemetery at 11am, but again this could change, will post final details in a day or two.

Trusting..

Heart shattered into a thousand pieces..but trusting in His sovereignty.
We ask for peace, comfort and of course, amazing healing..
Much love to you all..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey..

Today..

Today Abbey and I simply held Becky's hand..massaged her feet, talked to her, hummed a song or two. Becky, is of course, heavily sedated, it is required when on ventilator. Abbey was talking to Mommy and says felt a slight tingle from her thumb. Abbey said "I know she heard me"..the sounds of the world stopped when Abbey told me this, I just tucked these words from my daughter deep inside me.
Medically, there is no improvement in her condition. This is indeed a point no one wants to see their loved one reach, but we are here..Again, we will discuss with a few physicians on Friday what action should be taken. honestly feel like I am writing the end scene of an epic film..and somehow I think everyone will be OK after the scene is over. I know, it's almost silly..but Becky loved me for my silly analogies, and she would love this one. My friends, writing this blog has really split my inner 'private box' open..I like to journal my/our feelings, but displaying them for countless others to see, can sometimes take great constitution, but again it is what should absolutely be..Becky likes this. WE wanted to be as transparent as possible.
Abbey and I are tired, this has been and is very long journey, but we are doing OK considering, we really are. We came home after the hospital, watched the latest Narnia movie to take us away..and it did..far away. I want to tell you how I do believe/know God is in all the details despite what we may sometimes think. The rental of the car has turned out to be a welcomed transportation detour. Abbey and I were discussing this morning that it is nice to get into a car that is not the one we have been driving back and forth to the hospital. What an unbelievable week for our regular car to need repair, but again, we embrace the new ride. Yes, our car will be ready tomorrow or the next day, so back to ride reality, but for now, just don't care..the breakdown may have been a 'no, not this @#$@!! moment', and I may be crazy, but thank you God for this little hiccup.
Our hearts are very heavy..we just get through an hour, then another. We will still think and pray of good things to happen, we do, but we are bracing for what may happen..
Dear God, comfort my daughter..please..and please give me the strength to be what she needs when she needs it. and thank you for who she is..she has the courage of her mother, and yes, 'we can do all things through Him who strengthens us'.

Enjoy life..Celebrate life..

All our love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Information...

Pretty tough informational day..I am just going to leave it at that.
But will say, some things have improved or at least have remained stable..some diagnosis or situations remain quite ominous and overly threatening..Not that I haven't revealed this in past writings, it's just now there is more to comprehend..
Thank you all for your love and prayers..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Another try...closer..

Yes, another try to perhaps remove ventilator, or at least see if Becky could sustain breath without it working for her.. I am putting it in extreme layman's terms, but that's just my grasp of it at this time..Good news is, got closer to this goal, but just couldn't make the call to go without vent, heart rate went where didn't want to go... Other good news is, Becky is somewhat breathing on her own, but vent has to assist, again, since she is sedated. But sedation has been decreased even more since yesterday. So we press on...
Thank you again for your many prayers..

Celebrate life..

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Ventilator try...

Abbey and I walked in to see a more responsive, mom, Becky. Her eyes almost totally visible..and we got head nods! YES. The sedation med had been reduced, due to the effort of trying to maybe, maybe remove the ventilator, thus a more aware Becky. After so many days of seeing her lie so motionless, then to see her eyes, the head movement, what a boost to Abbey and me. As I think I mentioned earlier, the sedation and pain med are there so she will not feel the sensation of the tubes going down her throat and nose. You would naturally want to pull them out. We, of course, told her,..we loved her and that we were here for her, we encouraged her over and over, stroked her hands and head,..
Here's the part I would wish no one to experience. So difficult have some communication, then only to have it almost completely vanish. Her recognition of our words and assurances were still there when Abbey and I left for the day, but she had to be sedated again, thankfully not to the level she had been under. Here's the fact: the ventilator removal didn't work today. Her heart rate was of great concern, it is believed she may have been feeling the ventilator apparatus and it was causing overwhelming anxiety. Even her shoulders did a slight left right nod. So, thankfully no chances taken, had to increase the sedation to calm her. But again, not as heavy as before, so there was still some slight back and forth communication with Becky. This sequence of events was so piercingly mixed..heart wrenching, but also heartwarming to communicate in some small way with her. Today, the threshold was reached for a return back to the sedation, yet, another try tomorrow. The pulmonologist said we will come in even more gradual and "I feel we can do this", she said. Becky's oxygen use isn't much higher than when she was not on vent, but the vent is/ has to breathe for her, since she is sedated. Becky's kidneys were more improved, liver levels still high, but hematologist said there are some positive things..
Dear God, keep my wife's heart calm, keep her comfortable...if indeed the removal procedure is attempted again tomorrow..
I am a bit on edge, duh, ya think? But I am overall, calm. Abbey is calm. And as I have said, she calms me. We are just trying to grasp this unbelievable chapter in an unbelievable journey. but we know everyone has a story, everyone, some stories much more dynamic than ours...and I also say, some of the dynamics in a life-altering journey can be beautiful, and we had a some beautiful moments while traveling this uncertain road.

As always, thank you for praying, Becky has shown some improvement, she has, but an Everest-like climb remains before us. Father God, remind me of your sovereignty during this uncertain moment.
And yes, Becky would definitely say...

Celebrate life.. Celebrate it!

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Holding...

Holding...and as earlier said, will evaluate with primary hematologist just where we are..Becky's kidneys some better. That's great. And as also earlier said, I just know she hears me, us. Early in day, periodic moments when eyelids wanted to open even more than yesterday..this delights my heart and equally rips me me apart. I just clinch my fist and want her beautiful blue eyes to open fully and look at me. Just rubbed her feet, hands and talked to her..
Love to you all...We do so embrace your prayer... we have felt them. We hope, we petition in prayer for a reversal of this unwanted state/condition..we do. .
Big love to all of you for the wonderful kindness and sacrifice being displayed during the course of this long, long journey....thank you sooo much..We are humbled, very...Many times, Becky and I have had tears when receiving such love and assistance..We thank God for you..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Today...

Got a call this AM that pulmonary Dr. wanted to do a broncoscopy..saw some fluid/pneumonia troubled areas that were not seen in Xray yesterday. Wow, really? I told them I wanted to speak to our lead physician, but he was not on call this Sat. So got a call about an hour later from another hematologist. They said, not urgent, it's OK, can discuss with primary hematologist on Monday. OK, fine...
Abbey and I visited Mommy later in the day, her eyelids wanted to open...it was so great to see some movement...Abbey thought she even saw her move her head. I was wrong in stating yesterday, that they may be reducing the pain med, they are actually increasing. They thought perhaps Becky was feeling increased discomfort. Abbey and I looked at each other and said 'this sucks'..and I'm sorry to be so contrite, frivalent or silly...but it does. We are in this for whatever it takes, but this is hard. Abbey seemed to not want to stand over Mom's bed for an extended length of time like past visits, understandably so, enough said. We gave her a foot rub which she loves.
As we drove back today, we cranked some 80's and 90's tunes, some current songs and the song by Rascal Flatts "Stand By You" sure had some heartfelt lyrics..I grabbed Abbey and said' I will stand by you' which, of course, I think she knows that by now, ahhh hello, AND she stands by me. She is a great comfort, sometimes counselor to me, tells me to calm down when my edge to just too edgy. She has been making sure we have a good dinner or at least think about having a good dinner. I am still astounded by her grace, her maturity, her soothing voice comforting, assuring her Mother that we are here for her, and this is one of those moments I've mentioned that some wonderful beauty has been seen during this journey, well, to see and hear this, is indeed a moment of heart speaking to heart beauty, I will never forget it. Yes, we are here for Mommy..and we choose to believe she can hear it..
Hope all is well with you my friends..Thank you again for your sweet, enveloping prayers. We are not giving up...no.

Always Celebrate life...

Love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

As usual..

As usual Becky is the fighter..the courageous one. The pneumonia, slightly improved. The kidneys were approaching a level of perhaps needing dialysis..I was told this a few days ago, well they are somewhat improved. Her liver has plateaued, for it was becoming a very serious issue, but again, it appears to have reached a holding point. Her eyelids actually flickered a bit today when I first walked and said: 'hey baby, I'm here, I love you'. I don't know if this may become more common since the pain medication, from my understanding, has been slightly lessened, but I don't care, I saw my wife move...The words 'glimmer of hope' we given to me.."What does this mean I asked?" "Well, let's just wait and see", says the physician who previously hugged me, as if to say, there is no glimmer. He asked me today, "have you talked to your daughter?", "Well, yeah, not only talked but she has seen Mom and is trying to process this." So here it is, we wait until Monday to see if the ventilator can be removed, this is closely examined and decision is determined by the monitor levels seen. . If removed, then of course, Becky could perhaps breathe on her own, for now, from what I understand, she could not sustain a desired breathing period. Should I be surprised with the courage and comeback of Becky? Of course not. She's unbelievable. The prayers showered by many have penetrated that ICU room. Yes, we know The Lord works miracles...He does.. We need it...
I wilted in the corner chair yesterday and wept like a child, asking my wife to forgive me for giving up perhaps more than she has. I almost couldn't stand over her bed and tell her my will or hope for her to recover had greatly weakened. I know she would understand. I see much more bad than good...After almost 200 off and on days and nights in the hospital, probably 50 to 75 visits at this hospital and other medical locations, and very precarious situations at home, I know this is the absolute worst I have ever seen her. Ever. I love my wife.. and I am willing to do anything, anything it takes get her home, and if she is discharged from that hospital, I will swim the pacific ocean with her in tow in the most beautiful boat I can find, we will find a remote wedding chapel, renew our vows of 20 years..And if she wants to walk down the aisle of Westminster Abbey, I'll do my best to arrange this also...
Thank you all for your prayers. God has heard them, along with mine and he's heard my frustration and words I do not like to repeat...He's bigger than me, so I know He can handle it, understand it. I love Him.
I love you all so much. Becky knows you are pulling for her..
I was driving to the hospital yesterday, the the radio volume while listening to Tom Petty's "Freefallin" was probably heard in Bombay. I felt like I wanted to freefall out into nothing, and I also wanted to write Becky's name in the sky.
So again, we re-evaluate Monday...

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

So...

So we wait. There is a new med being introduced that may help quell or at least halt the pneumonia. The fluid is evident. Period. A Doctor explaining the new med and possible scenarios, gave me a hug I will never forget. He had such compassion. Listen, we do believe in the God of miracles. He is still looking for miracle arenas...we are ready with open arms. I mean it..We are also trying to prepare ourselves for what may happen after 72 hours..Friday, the Physician team will evaluate Becky's condition and discuss options..This tears at the very core of our heart and soul. My sweet daughter and I are together...we are calm, we are both breathing the air as if we want to breathe for Becky..

My sweet wonderful wife, the mother of a beautiful inside and out daughter, wrote in her journal only a few days ago...

'trial, pain, joy, healing..Celebrate Life!'

That's what she would want me to say..

Love to you all..Give big hugs to your family..

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Another level..

I guess that's the only way I can describe it..Becky is at another level, and it appears in the reverse..the decision to put her on the ventilator was made. If there were no hope, then this would not even have been done, but there is still hope. My sweet, loving, kind gentle wife needs to make large steps forward, infant steps are OK, but we need large steps according to the pulmonologist who did the broncoscopy/ventilating procedure. When the moment came for the procedure, all I could do was bury my head in Becky's chest and say 'damn'.. That was my vocal and mind reflex action, I don't think I've said it much during this entire journey, but today, at that moment that's all I could say and probably a few other choice words....Then I said over and over "I love you, I love you'..then in one instant, her left arm came high in the air and was draped over my shoulder and back, it was real, she was not to trying to take out the oxygen feed..Her loving arm felt like the warm sun on my back..I cried, I squeezed her gown..I told her I was here for her..I even heard a slight murmur, I am going to take it as "I am here for you too, I love you". Again, the physician said, this should be done, we need to get some fluid out and see just what type of fluid it is, and if there is another method of treatment needed. I will hold on, I will not give up, my wife is not giving up, she said the other day about this unbelievable journey, 'better me than you', and she is correct, I just don't know if I would had the courage she has displayed during this sometimes very dark road.
I sang .."I love you Lord and I lift my voice, to worship you oh my soul rejoice, take joy my King in what you hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear"..I sang a chorus of 'Rugged Cross".. I sang "You Are So Beautiful to me".. Becky has a better musical ear than me, so she probably heard some off notes and wanted correct me..
I do hope and pray the next blog will have some good news..I do. Now, we just wait, I hold her hand, I talk to her, I wear her necklace and wedding ring..The ventilator is relieving her of the heavy breathing she was having to do on her own. Sounds clinical, but I suppose I am grateful for this machine..
Abbey is OK..she is at school.. She knows we are at another level..Pray for my sweet daughter to stay healthy herself, to eat well etc..We did have some great Mother's Day moments yesterday..We really did..I thank God we were able to have these..

and yes, Celebrate Life..

Much Love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Mother's Day..still ICU

Had a nice Mother's Day with Becky...Took her a balloon, but ICU does not let in room, but she saw it from a distance..Abbey and I walked in and saw what we thought to be a worsening condition. Oxygen had been increased, a 'monitor sitter' was in the room watching, ensuring Becky would not pull the oxygen feed from her nose, she wants to 'scratch' it out....the first hour she seemed more lethargic, and I know much of this is due to low sodium, meds and other major issues. Her eyes do not open to much, but let me say, soon she was fairly lucid, knew most all that was going on and was absolutely funny..it was beautiful. She ate some toast and cottage cheese, Abbey fed her. Perhaps a bit of 'looks worse than maybe she is' was seen..low sodium can impact heavily..in Becky's case, it is a medicinal balancing act to raise the sodium, a bit precarious. but it can be done..Anti-biotics are still being administered for pneumonia and secondary blood infection. She did need some red blood about two days ago..
A cute moment, Abbey and I went out for a bite to eat, as we were leaving, we asked her if she wanted anything, Becky loudly whispered with almost childlike zest, 'ice cream'..So, we had our orders, thus soft serve ice cream was soon brought back to Becky. Abbey also fed this to Mom. A moment to see on Mother's Day, the young daughter feeding Mom, but it came natural. Hard to say it any other way, it just flowed. Abbey's composure, her compassion remain incredible..
We just don't know what each day holds. We really do not...I see improvement, I see some steps back..The pulmonologist was nearby today, but did not stop by the room, and ya know what, this is a good sign. Thus no need to absorb the word critical at this time..Still very serious.
We had a prayer with Mommy..it was great. Comfort, healing, strength all peppered in our prayers..
To all the mothers reading this. Hope your day was indeed fulfilling..
Abbey and I will, of course, remember this Mother's Day 2011..yes, the intensive medical care floor will be an indelible image of where my sweet wife and Abbey's loving mother was seen, but we tried to give her a more intensive love-care..I hope we succeeded..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Stable..

Stable is the word. Abbey and I did not go today. Becky knew we had to take care of quite few things at home which we did..we are.. She had a few visitors which was nice. Oxygen holding at a good rate. Still having anxiety when breath is hard to find..but again, fairly calm for most the time. Appetite is pretty darn good, thus getting the nutrients she needs, besides just saline and other sustainers..She has not gotten out of bed for approx. a week or so. Got to work on this. Movement does exhaust her, causes the fluid to move..but she can do some slight bed movement which does help. Anti-biotics for the pneumonia and the secondary infection are going to work..and of course still on the steroids and other meds. The Pulmonologist did say, if we continue stablilty and perhaps more improvement seen, there is a chance she may leave ICU Monday..a chance.
One hour, one day at a time we press on...We will climb the best we can..
Hope you are having a good day..

Celebrate life,

Bill, Becky and Abbey

Wow*..well, radiator on car now appears to be whack..had some problems the other night while driving to hotel from hospital, my bro-in-law help me put the hose back on the next day, thought, 'well, that was easy, a simple fix'.. well it wasn't/isn't so easy, just drove it tonight nearby, got home, is now leaking quite profusely. Will, of course, correct this minor problem, no biggie, but I gotta say, the timing is a little rough...Just wanted to make a note of this, so when I look back I can hopefully chuckle..

Right direction..

Becky's condition appears to be in the forward direction..Her breathing is better.. She is more alert. Thank God, NO breathing tube needed, so far. Her oxygen is good..She had some great moments with Abbey...one or two brief 'normal-like' conversations.. Talking of school, our dog and more. Today was actually the best we have seen her in the 4 days in ICU. She is able to lean forward in bed..she wanted her back rubbed, and it felt like medicine to her.. Her eyes were clearer...her words were almost at complete sentence level versus just a breath of one or two words. When she can't catch or find her breath she experiences major anxiety.. major..
Yes, there are some very serious issues, the fluid in the lungs, a second infection in the blood detected...the GVH is throwing a punch. Her liver was of great concern, but now appears to be stable..She is very, very weak...She did say early yesterday, that she wanted to 'give up'..I think I have heard Becky say this only once in this unbelievable journey.... Well, she didn't give up, she hasn't..The road back to even where we were will once again be laborious..very tough. This hurts her the most, losing her strength, but one day at a time..we will try to get it back.. We have had a wonderful 8 months at home, since her last hospitalization, thus making this hospital stay even more disappointing than the others..
Having Abbey at the hospital was very good. Very good..If the decision to put Becky on the ventilator/breathing machine was realized, then from what I understand, communication would have been almost non-existent. But I really don't think the ventilator is going to happen. Indeed some positive moments were seen in the last 24 hours..To those of you who prayed and are still praying, from places all across the US and more... thank you, thank you...Becky knows you are praying..We don't understand the incredulous uncertain depths of the medical situations Becky has had to endure..we really don't..We just trust, ask the Lord to get us through them. Questions? frustrations? some anger? you bet..Plenty of hurt and exhaustion to go around..but faith, trust that God will comfort us through this..He knows our pain. Though Becky can't hold enough focus to read right now, as we were leaving, she did want her Bible and a devotional near her..I do try to emphasize the positive..but these last few days were seen as dark, sad..But again, there is a desired direction being seen.

Much love to you all. Perhaps some of you may have great trials at this time...May you find the strength to endure them..
Thank you again..the prayer of many can do great things...

Celebrate life, Enjoy it..

Bill, Becky and Abbey...

Intensive care...

Yes, moved to ICU...breathing/oxygen complications, fluid making it's presence known in chest area..and some in lungs..Good news is, the oxygen level being given has been decreased slightly. There is some improvement. But no doubt, serious was the word and still is. But Becky is holding quite steady, and again, some improvement seen. GVH is swirling in the abdomen area. This is never fun. Liver is showing some unusual numbers, but this could/can be direct cause of meds. She is very lethargic, (the meds can cause quite a bit of this) but aware of surroundings. And appetite has been quite good. It was so cute..last night she said, "I want a cheeseburger, fries and coffee"..she really had the appetite for this..so off I go at approx. 9pm to a nearby McD's..and she gobbled the burger, ate quite a few fries..loved the coffee. This was a good moment, and she was embracing it..and I was too! Really sweet picture..She had a good amount of breakfast this morning...she is resting now.

So, here's as transparent and as accurate as I can be..the medical jargon can really start to collapse into one big 'what was that again'?
With the slight improvement...vital signs good etc..The Dr.'s will monitor..and perhaps note more improvement...we of course, PRAY for this..more improvement..
Other solution, a broncoscopy..go in and see what exactly this is in the chest, fluid or infection. Good news on this is. Dr. thinks if it were infection, then fever would most likely been seen, but NO fever and no worsening of current condition. The one thing that may result from the broncoscopy...is that she would have to have ventilator to help her breathe and would have to stay on it with some sedation for an undetermined amount of time...Yes, simply put, a breathing machine..Becky is aware of it. She mostly knows what's up...She is incredible..She has repeatedly said, "I am so sorry I have all this"..she really means it..she wants the burden to ease on us all..

I am sad, my heart and soul literally aches for her..for the entire situation...I am tired but still focused, eating as properly as I can. I love her so much..This is a very difficult time...

Our sweet Abbey knows this is serious...but she hasn't seen Mom in a few days..I will bring her down soon, pray she will have comfort during this time..she is wonderfully amazing your lady..

Forming words a little hard for Becky, due to breathing issues, but she knows what she is saying..she truly does..She knew the day of the week..She asked if Abbey had school uniforms and more..
Dear friends, I do believe we can reverse this...YES, it can be done. But the realist must also emerge..As simple as can be, this could be tough.

WE have cried out in great frustration to God, I have taken huge swings at the air, I have shouted, I have whispered, I/We have given great thanks. The emotions are varied and sometimes extreme, but the hope is still there. There has been improvement..

Dear ones, my sweet wife needs your prayers for the next 48 to 72 hours..In my non-professional judgement, I think I can say, we are not critical at this time...serious/tenuous are the words.

Thank you again for your love, prayers and supports.


WE still want to say..

Celebrate life,


Bill, Becky and Abbey

Tests...

A few tests today...checking thyroid..Ultrasound, mostly for the abdomen area, Xray, looking at the chest area.

Had some physical therapy..which is always good. Appetite not great but she is eating..

Resting well now..

Celebrate Life..

Bill, Becky and Abbey...