A monumental page turn..and a 4 year mark..

So hard to believe as I write this..less than a few weeks ago, I drove across the United States, just me and my trusty Scottish Terrier, after packing up, closing the door, turning the key for the last time on the LA home, a decision was made to move east..To NC or perhaps even elsewhere.  My daughter in school back here, much of my family here..some wonderful friends and of course, the passing of my sweet Becky four years ago, all the above equated to monumental change.  The time, the circumstance, situational occurrences led to this move.  I denied the swell that was happening maybe beginning a year ago...the whispering swell in my heart, mind and soul that said or indicated a move just may happen.  I was not against a move, just didn't know if it would actually happen, but I gradually felt, very gradually thought a new destination was a possibility.  But even in the past few months, still thought, 'naaa, maybe, but maybe not', but here it is..A big move..Abbey will miss LA tremendously, it is her home...But she is excited about this 'page turn' in life.  She knows this is perhaps good and even necessary for us.  We are big people. We can live months and did, without a Dad/daughter visit...2500 miles away from home, and of course, she had challenges in her first college semester..large challenges, and she did miss me and her home, most all freshmen do, but she made it.  She knew no one, but soon gave what she could to friendships and found a path with some sweet friends, though as all friendships can be, there were 'sandpaper' days..but there were also the warm, sweet, embraceable days.  I am so proud of her and what she accomplished in her freshman year.  And now, with the move, there will be again, large challenges..but we will see it through.  The Lord is in the details.. I do believe/know HE orchestrates all things for our good.  But, as we all know, life is just so tough and tumultuous much more frequent it seems than the sometimes happy, warm and fuzzy moments.   When the good happens it feels OH so sweet.  And we truly thank GOD for the good..even after the valley of great pain and sorrow...

SO, as I mention pain and sorrow, I think back to 4 years ago..when sweet Becky was ushered 'home'. May 23rd, 2011.   The pain, the overwhelming, engulfment of sorrow was indescribable.  There was no telling of time, the sun was dim, the sounds of life and music were muted, even blinking sometimes hurt.  Our tiny thread of comfort was knowing that sweet woman, wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend and servant was at the throne with the Lord Jesus.  I know the world and many, me included, sometimes focus on this dirt, the terra firma we walk on.  We focus on what we know, what we have lived, what we have seen, what we have physically held, touched and loved.  But, my Christian faith must do its best to layer above all; the truth, the banner, that there is a heaven and our loved one is there.  We still think or at least I thought, and even vocalized: "Really?, I sure hope so" "Cuz' God, this hurts SO bad".  "Please reassure me, my loved one is in that better place."  :Please, assure me that what I believe, what I confess to believe is true..."  "Please!  Please! Because right now, my heartaches beyond measure..I am only seeing the earth offerings of sickness and then death, of trial and pain"...but in the deepest canals of my heart, in the inner-most esoteric corner of my soul, in the remotest, least recalled region of my mind, there is the hope, the thought, the reassurance that there is more than this that I see.  That my belief in You assures me there is a mansion in heaven for my loved one...She loved you, and that is the great assurance that she now rests or rejoices in a wonderful place..a beautiful, pain-free, tearless, fearless,  and unimaginable place.  YES!.
SO, as the days, weeks and years have passed...I feel like I have been reassured Becky is in a wonderful heaven.  I vision it..well, because I/we can, humanistically, we have this great mind to do this..but spiritually coupled with that humanness tells me now,  I have the goods.  Now, I am comforted.. To GOD be the glory.

I don't know if the above resonates with anyone..but at this moment...this is the description my limited writing skills display.

AND so, the big move and much to do, much to conquer.  Truly not sure which city in NC or otherwise we will reside.  But, really its OK.  I know soon, there will be a form of settlement, if only temporary in nature.  For now,. the exploration does have some excitement, but also some nervousness and certainly uncertainty.

AND, I do want to meet someone in this next chapter...I know that sounds really 'movie-scenelike' but so be it.  IF this heart does not bridge with another, then, well that's the way it will be, I will accept it.   But effort, prayers, thought, risk, fun, sacrifice, great dinners, conversation and much more will perhaps see such a union. We shall see.

As I close..I am still grasping just what has happened, this monumental move.  But again, it feels right. If not, well then perhaps LA here I return or maybe a remote region in Europe, who knows.  And as I think about the early entries of this blog, the updates, the extremely difficult days of word entry, the path of grief documented, the life changes documented..and now this one..I am going to exclaim, .THIS is the last entry for this blogsite.  Cessation is here.  I truly must close sometime, somehow, at some juncture in my life and I just think this is the time.  I wanted to keep writing after Becky's death, therapeutically I needed it.  I wanted to journal how Abbey and me were doing.  To again, chart the grief.  To write of deep, deep dark moments and to also express and document the happy, the good, the fun, the frivolous and fulfilling moments or days.   I feel like I have done this..I hope in some way, the words written in this ejournal have helped others.  I hope they have even encouraged a husband to hug his wife when a hug isn't what he feels, and perhaps just hug her longer and more frequently.  And the same for a wife to the husband. Marriage has many sandpaper moments, days, months and some even live years in coarseness, and I tell you now, Becky and I were an unlikely pair, we really were, but we knew we had the heart element of wanting a 'home'.    But believe me,  we worked at it..we communicated, not always so sweetly, but we tried..We held hands at night before bed and whispered a prayer..it wasn't always so easy, but we did come together and whisper a prayer for the well-being of others and of course for the Lord to soften our hearts if a softening was needed in that day or moment.  I needed work as a young husband, big time work..I knew it, and I wanted to work at it.  I did my best to work at it...I did commit..I did what I could do..not so great sometimes, but we did what we could to make for a home that when the door was opened, a smile was seen by either one of us... Perhaps not always a smile, but many days a smile was seen..a hug was felt.

Thank you to those who diligently followed the blog.. BIG time virtual hugs to you.. I am so thankful for e-technology, allowing us to share this journey...To my family and sweet, sweet friends..thank you..big love to you.  I may begin another blog with another title or name, we shall see.  Just gotta get adjusted to this new move..that is priority.  27 years in LA..WOW...I had some fantastic years..I did some amazing things..amazing...It is quite a city.  I had a dream, even as a very young child to go to Hollywood and I am so glad I did.  Some might say or ask, 'did those dreams come true?'  Well, perhaps some didn't or were redirected, or fragmented.  .But some did.  I lived a dream in some way.  I thought to myself, when I am 99 and rocking on the porch or rocking in the 'advanced age' home band will I have regrets?  I just don't think so. I guess we all may think...I shoulda done this or I shoulda done that..or I coulda been this or I coulda been that..I may have a minuscule moment of this..but I do believe most of my words or thoughts will be, I showed up. I did what I did when I did it..I had prepared and then I showed up.   May not have been the best in many situations, but in some, I was as good as I'll ever get.  I performed for Presidents to Princes..to Churches, colleges, conservatives and liberals..I have served french fries for lunch then at night served Hollywood A-listers with music or whatever talent was needed for the event.  Its kinda funny, Becky would always say..you really never tell people what you do in entertainment.  Well, there you have a thimble sized description…DJ, MC, singer, actor, not such a very good dancer, event coordinator, production when needed and more..now, I feel better.

To close, I met many wonderful people and I will continue to maintain friendships with many of these wonderful peeps..I had a 20 year marriage, a family, ..I have a beautiful, wonderful, sweet, talented and amazing daughter..... YEAH, I made it....

Now onward-forward..much adventure awaits...show up,

Bill  :)

Significant...

Heart and soul feelin' that ache, that cavernous feeling.....Abbey just flew back to school..was here a week for Spring Break..a big, monumental week it was..significant changes in our lives.  Significant...
She had a great week..did so many things, while able to chill at home. watch her fav show "Downton Abbey" and we watched for the 306th time "Letters to Juliet", just one of those comfort movies..

I had tears..and I will, BUT also very excited about what will be...good, exciting stuff...

This is pivotal time Abbey's life..of course, she has had, and will have many more pivotal times in her life.
College life is becoming more adjustment-friendly, but the one thing she misses now is creativity.  She has been focused on academics and rightly so, but now, creativity is on the menu in her life.  Sometimes these students work so hard at book stuff they forget or at least tuck away a creative pursuit, but I know she will find something..she will do it in increments or maybe in a large attempted swath...We shall see..
It is probably best, but she commented on how she never watches TV, the current events escape her..and she misses that...She wants to know what the topics are in the nation...but not to be too absorbed in knowing.. She realizes, the school work has to be done..

We did visit the cemetery on March 12th, Becky's Bday..we always have a good talk there..and sometimes just the stillness, the silence is enough...it is.  Abbey said this time the cemetery was quite visible from her flight path..which does happen when flying into LAX, not all the time, depending on the runway, the weather and time of day, but sometimes you can see this patch of green just before landing..and there it is..In some ways this site is uniquely comforting.

Well, I will be back..Good to write..missed it.  Abbey will be picked up by Aunt T and Uncle C, then driven to school...a good thing, this family connection...

Onward forward..I pray for all is well with you...Enjoy this day as best you can.  Take walk or run, while being still...God Bless you and keep you..

Truly Celebrate life..the gifts you/we have..

Bill  :)

Jan 2015...the changes

So much could be written..quite a bit of time since last post.  Abbey at college, first semester..back east. There was emotion..there were challenges but of course challenges were expected. She thought much of Mom..Abbey knew no one..and no one knew her history, thus a new, new start as many college freshman endure..but Abbey really had clean 'no history' with anyone start.  There were some tough moments, BUT BUT!  So proud of her..she did very well in class..math a toughie but still satisfied with grade.. She won an award in a theatre class "Best Actress"!  She downplayed it..but I said I am telling the world!  She made a really, really good, sweet friend..from a wonderful family.  She does get along with her roommate.  There are some 'sandpaper' moments, but they do laugh so much she said..they do hang out and enjoy being together..I am so grateful for this.
We both had to do some adjustment, major adjustment over the past 4 months but we did it..AND we knew it was best to have the entire 4 month time..that separation..Abbey even said as hard as it was, it was good..and it was..It was a chapter we needed to endure.  I sure missed her in the room, but again, I knew this step was necessary and ordered for us. AND now she just flew back for second semester after a 3 week Christmas/New Year.. Our hearts are heavy...in some strange way, heavier than the first departure..except for the night I drove away first semester..that was a deep heart and soul hit..but it was again, a good life-step.  She had a wonderful break so that is indeed part of the heaviness in the leaving but she also knows there are some exciting, new moments ahead..Sorority rush, new classes, and more.  Plus now she has a good friend, a good church, she knows the 'lay of the land' much better..the transition should hopefully, prayerfully be easier.. Christmas can just bring the warm&fuzzies..The holidays can do it, bring emotion.   We had a great New Year's Eve party...nothing too big..just right amount of guests.  We had great music, food, laughter, did my "Play It By Ear" game, we dropped our own ball, counted down with the old school glitter numbers I have had for years.  A product of DJ events..Becky and I made them quite a few years ago.  Abbey had former classmates from high school here..I had a few great friends..what a fun time..a smile will come to our face when thinking of the night.
And now, I know I will, we will adjust.  It is a form of grief..it is like a loss..but the days will come and activity will come and dim the grief, as it should.   I am so thankful for the busy, meaningful time we had..We went to the cemetery Christmas Day...a most reflective and thought provoking time.  Abbey /we..visited so many people..she stayed with her BFF. KT..saw BF/ CG and many more pals..IP...we visited Becky's brother and sweet wife..stayed a sweet night with them.   I was in a show from JOF..the Christmas Journey Show..I played "The Grinch"..what a fun, exciting time (sure made me think of how I have missed the theater setting)  ..so many wonderful peeps involved..so blessed to be a part of it..So many people came to Redondo Beach Performing Arts Center..we had 6 shows..wow..just a fulfilling time.   Lord Jesus, thank you for coming to this earth in such a humble way..what a plan..what a plan...some who came probably heard for the first time..
There may be some changes ahead...BIG changes...It is time.  So hard to believe the life-path, the challenges..the triumphs, the pinnacle moments, the not-so-pinnacle moments that have transpired since 5-23-2011. Grief still threads some days..the holidays can, of course bring periodic grief..but a healthy life zest is also evident..and Becky would of course, say Celebrate it!  Live full!  And we are!  We are!  there is dancing, there is singing, there is a smile..and there is the heart that wants to help others in the uncertainty of life.
More to come...but as I have said..I know one day this blog site writing will cease.  But still good to record or journal the journey.  So onward-forward.. God give you peace..ask Him for it...

Much Love to all..

Bill

PS. Abbey baked those absolutely stellar magic bars..the ones with no fat, no calories..ha-ha.. :)