Another level..

I guess that's the only way I can describe it..Becky is at another level, and it appears in the reverse..the decision to put her on the ventilator was made. If there were no hope, then this would not even have been done, but there is still hope. My sweet, loving, kind gentle wife needs to make large steps forward, infant steps are OK, but we need large steps according to the pulmonologist who did the broncoscopy/ventilating procedure. When the moment came for the procedure, all I could do was bury my head in Becky's chest and say 'damn'.. That was my vocal and mind reflex action, I don't think I've said it much during this entire journey, but today, at that moment that's all I could say and probably a few other choice words....Then I said over and over "I love you, I love you'..then in one instant, her left arm came high in the air and was draped over my shoulder and back, it was real, she was not to trying to take out the oxygen feed..Her loving arm felt like the warm sun on my back..I cried, I squeezed her gown..I told her I was here for her..I even heard a slight murmur, I am going to take it as "I am here for you too, I love you". Again, the physician said, this should be done, we need to get some fluid out and see just what type of fluid it is, and if there is another method of treatment needed. I will hold on, I will not give up, my wife is not giving up, she said the other day about this unbelievable journey, 'better me than you', and she is correct, I just don't know if I would had the courage she has displayed during this sometimes very dark road.
I sang .."I love you Lord and I lift my voice, to worship you oh my soul rejoice, take joy my King in what you hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear"..I sang a chorus of 'Rugged Cross".. I sang "You Are So Beautiful to me".. Becky has a better musical ear than me, so she probably heard some off notes and wanted correct me..
I do hope and pray the next blog will have some good news..I do. Now, we just wait, I hold her hand, I talk to her, I wear her necklace and wedding ring..The ventilator is relieving her of the heavy breathing she was having to do on her own. Sounds clinical, but I suppose I am grateful for this machine..
Abbey is OK..she is at school.. She knows we are at another level..Pray for my sweet daughter to stay healthy herself, to eat well etc..We did have some great Mother's Day moments yesterday..We really did..I thank God we were able to have these..

and yes, Celebrate Life..

Much Love,

Bill, Becky and Abbey