Merry Christmas..Happy New Year..

May your Christmas be merry, joyous and bright..filled with lots of good food, warm family, friends moments and more.  Abbey and I will think of warm holiday memories..We seem to feel the loss more, for last year during the holidays, I think we were perhaps a bit numb or just pressing through. Yet, we do know there has been sweet healing, some truly unique, special life-moments in the past year or so.  We have been to quite a few parties/dinners this year..we have so enjoyed this.  We thank God for all we have, for love coming down at Christmas..providing hope and promise..
We know 2013 will see challenges..but we will seek adventure, pursue new paths..
May your own challenges be met with hope and promise..

As I have mentioned, the blog may soon cease.  I will indeed miss this therapeutic destination, it has been a destination to establish factual information, almost indescribable deep, dark cavernous days, coupled with arms-held-high mountaintop moments. Thank you all for checking on these pages over the past few years...thank you for your love and support.  We will never forget it...

Onward forward..

Celebrate life,

Bill and Abbey

In some ways...

Books, those who have gone before and those who are 'in it'..will tell you..in some ways..after a year..you really 'feel' the loss and you reflect with great vividness, the journey you were on...and this, in-some-ways, is so very true. The first Christmas without Becky..I think Abbey and I, we were sorta numb..or just doing our best to press on through the days. 2011, we had a very meaningful and warm time with friends here in California and we had a fulfilling, memorable time with family and friends in NC.  We truly did..it was just what we needed and wanted to do. This Christmas will see us here mostly in LA..which is what life seems to dictate this year and that is fine with us.  But, we both remarked how we are 'feeling' our new normal this year..Our changed lives, the loss..just what we endured...
 Yes, as I have previously remarked, we are moving on..we do know that life goes on...new endeavors await.  We are excited. But we know there is no formula in the grieving process, and all the books, and the many who have endured loss will express the same thing.   There is no time constraint to grief..or the putting the journey behind you...But again, after 18 months, Abbey and I have seen healing..we have seen reparation to the inner, inner canals that once were so pained and numb. We have done some fun, fulfilling things..So that is good...We know this vivid feeling is the natural process and we will go straight through it.  No 'end-arounds'..Just let it penetrate us..
Thank you to the many who still keep us in thoughts and prayers..
We truly hope this Christmas season will bring you a joy that was perhaps once elusive.
There is much to be thankful for, there is hope beyond what we see....
I thank the Lord for His mercy..His plan...

Celebrate..enjoy, give big hugs to family and friends..

Much Love,

Bill and Abbey

Printing Blog...

Been printing blog..each entry, each page...each comment.  I knew it would be a large...involved task, and it is..But something I must do.  Becky had even purchased a binder...she wanted to at least print it..to have a hard copy.  Some days difficult to proof read and print, even after after 18 months....but the printing is a necessary and fulfilling goal. April, May 2011...tough, tough writing..but again, just gotta see this through...It will take time..so be it..stay the course.

Hope you and yours are on course..May you find peace, rest and warm reflection in these sometimes overloaded December days...

Good health and many blessings.....Enjoy life..listen to the music..

Bill

Thanksgiving

Will be our second Thanksgiving without Becky..and yes, this one already feels a little 'lighter' than last year. Time does lessen the grief,  as it well should.  But, there is still that frozen moment of just what will tomorrow be like with this incredible change in our lives?   As I have mentioned, Abbey and I seem to talk of past sweet moments with more frequency now.  It has taken time to speak of these moments..and that's OK..just what it is.  So comforting to see Abbey making a special Thanksgiving pie, a great 'postcard' to reflect upon in future years.  She likes to bake holiday-time goodies.  Christmas will see some delicious delights.
I reflect upon Thanksgiving memories, and indeed give thanks for these warm reflections.  Becky could certainly make some incredible dishes..she loved home entertaining..family gatherings. 
I do hope you have a fulfilling and thankful Thanksgiving.  WE truly have to count our blessings...we have to 'give thanks in ALL things'..not always easy to do, but can be done.  God Bless you..God Bless America..

Celebrate Life..enjoy family and friends..

Bill and Abbey

Visited...

Went to cemetery a few days ago...red roses were placed..then brought a few home.
The tears were evident, yet, I suppose somewhat less than previous times.  But they still come when standing at the site..Yes, I can feel, see that life is moving ahead....while still thinking and remembering of what was.  I sense the days and months starting to invent or segue into a newness of life, or a new chapter and of course, that is exactly what is it..a new chapter.  I am thankful for Abbey enjoying school..for her involvement in activities. We are going to perhaps create new traditions this holiday season.  Though I know we will cling to traditions of the past.  So hard to believe we are only a few weeks away from Thanksgiving.  I hope and pray you all have safe and fulfilling holidays. There is much to be thankful for in this turbulent world. 
I will probably post a few more blogs til year's end.  Perhaps this would be a good time to think about the true cessation of the blog.  I will miss it..I really will.  It almost feels like an old friend that has helped me/us through some very tough, dark times..AND yet , there have been some good moments, almost supernatural instances that have been documented.  I am so grateful to have had this outlet..this form of communication.
God Bless you all..His eye is on the sparrow..


Celebrate the little things..even the smallest of accomplishments..

Much Love,

Bill and Abbey 

Stem cell infusion, two years, blog in the 4th quarter.

Yesterday, the 9th would have been two years removed from the stem cell infusion.  I will never forget the day when that bag of pinkish 'life' material, I think it was over 6 million stem cells, came through that hospital door, placed on a tower and positioned so those little soldiers could march or stream into Becky....That's what Becky called them, little marching soldiers..and indeed this is what it looked like.  We could see the streaming of cells..some more pink than others, some appearing almost white, just make their way to this new home, this foreign system that they would have to adjust to...and they did.  It took some arduous work, but they did..yes, there were days of great trial after the stem cell infusion..when the fighting of the new and what remained of the old was quite dynamic and pronounced.  But the infusion was considered a success,  Becky became 99.9% of the donor.  We remember the day when the Doctor told us this.  It was a great moment.. Becky even marked on the calendar in her own writing 'me, 2 years'. And even though she is not here to celebrate this anniversary.  I still want to recall this day with great excitement..I want to smile at receiving this incredible gift from someone we never met..Thank you..Thank you..You are an earthly angel.

BLOG cessation?:  I know have mentioned it quite a few times before...the possible cessation of the blog perhaps coming soon.  I continue posting sporadic blogs, well, just because it still has therapeutic value, and these posts allow me to reflect upon our path.  Our walk..our journey.  I know I will experience sadness, or a loss when I decide to discontinue the tapping out on my keyboard of what has been and still continues to be a story that I sometimes still shake my head at...and think..'really?", but yes, really it happened.. it is life..and many of you, many others have had and are currently having some 'really?'..moments.  Like "is this really happening?" Well, yes it really is, it really was happening..and we have to adjust, maneuver, cope the best we can.  My faith at times was supremely tested, and almost wanting to question what I believed.  Yet, YET,  I still hung on to a thread of belief, of faith.  KNOWING that God, The Lord was in this uncertain journey, in the tornado, in the calm sunset on the drive home from the hospital, in the ICU room when every sinew of my body was strained and drained..  He was there. I had to truly become childlike..cast all intellect, sometimes all human wisdom to the wind..
I chose it then and still choose now to believe HE was undergirding the journey.  I know Becky is now with the Lord Jesus..I rest in this promise...I have to..I just do...
I am certainly no saintly man, no way..I know many spouses would have 'stayed the course' and made sure all was well, or as good as it could be for your loved one..And that is what we must do.  The vow, the commitment can become a dim memory as the calendar days, months and years are checked off..these marriage elements can almost feel like a weight..a burden..but when the storms come, when a tent of weariness engulfs you or great uncertainty surrounds your family..then I can only say,  You have to remain true to this commitment..You have to finish well.  You just do.  If it is a life or death issue, you will indeed want the scene to change..you will want the Almighty director to yell.."cut!", but this will not be so.. this is really happening.  One must remain steadfast...depend on others for physical and emotional assistance..whisper many prayers and when you have a moment, treat yourself good..just do it. 
Indeed, the cessation of this blog is soon to be..but hopefully not before I encourage, and/or release just a few of  'life's little instruction'..statements. My experience arrows..

Briefly, I have just returned from visiting my father, who is a lion in the deep, deep grip of winter.  He is mostly bedridden..and though brief and stacatto-like, he can communicate with sometimes amazing clarity..He does continue to amaze those that surround him.  He is ready to go..he has expressed this.  It does appear his days are numbered, but then again, that has been said countless times. He has run a good race..a fulfilling race.. 

To close, as the blog began and as Becky exclaimed in the first few weeks: 'tell them to Celebrate Life"..I end this post..with this specific instruction..

Celebrate the goodness of life here on earth.  Work is so very important, but never, ever forget how have a little fun, take time to get away, wrap your hands around a good latte or cup of tea..sit on a bench and let the world pass by..it is simple stuff, but it can sure satisfy...

Love,

Bill and Abbey

Part Of It..painting...

It is said, part of the 'moving-on'..is making some of the exterior changes..such as furniture rearranging..well, we did that as a family numerous times anyway,  when we would all say: 'time to move the couch' and we did.  Well, now it's Abbey and I, and yes we moved the couch and chairs and a few other items, but we also painted the living and dining room..which is actually one big room.  It was indeed laborious, but we do like our new navy and antique or eloquent white wall colors.  We feel good about this exterior change..and yes, it does feel like a chapter of change..Some things will be hard to rearrange, but this was just the right measure of change, for the right time..A good time for Abbey and I..we had some laughs, some frustrations, quite a few 'hey, good job' moments, and we had some truly warm moments talking of Mom, Becky.  Recalled some great times..some life snapshots that promoted warm conversation.

Ya know, it's funny, as time passes, there is uncertainty in just what sight, sound or smell that will propel emotion to surface.  Today, I must share how a baby crying was a sweet, sweet sound that specifically moved me..just one of those indelible moments..


Good health and many blessings to you and yours...

Love,

Bill and Abbey

City Of Hope...visit..& wigs

Visited City Of Hope..went to see nurse Emily, whom I have previously mentioned, and others at the hospital..good to see those who were such an integral part of our lives for 2 or so years...Nurse Emily was certainly a fav of Becky's, Abbey and myself.  ...She is a tribute to her profession..no other way to say it.  Just an outstanding nurse. And though the circumstance involved with meeting Emily was indeed life altering;  nonetheless grateful for the life intersection...It may be odd and it may be just part of the journey, but these few visits I have done..do 'help' with the moving on..

I took the two wigs Becky used to wear..I thought, why of course, someone on the receiving end will benefit from these..AND, I  know Becky would want this..she would.  It was strange but yet natural I suppose..for as I presented the hairpieces to the nice employee who actually sold/presented them to us when Becky first lost her hair, a wave of emotion blanketed me.  I felt the swell as I was carrying them to the office..I thought of Becky wearing them and asking how she looked.  "Which one looks best?".."Do you like the color?" etc.. She wasn't able to wear them often...but still I could see them on her and the snapshots of the past hit me.  But, it was OK. It really was..
I absorbed it..let it run through me..and gave thanks that someone else will be so grateful or just relieved to have these two wigs.  Indeed, this is part of moving on..

Onward Forward..

Bill

Steps...

As time passes, Abbey and I recall warm family moments..What Mom liked for food, what we all did at certain places ..certain travels..All good stuff.  And of course, some recall has the difficult moments, the uncertain days, the stressed days and more.  I've noticed, sometimes it takes months to pass before certain inner thoughts and observations emerge.  Ya just keep them in the deep canals of your heart and soul and then one day, it feels appropriate or natural to discuss or release these thoughts.  Abbey and I continue to this.  And even with friends, the sharing becomes more vivid after time has passed.   I think it is indeed part of the healing, part of the 'moving on', which as I mentioned earlier, seems to be occuring.  We are going forward..perhaps in small, small increments, but we are looking toward tomorrow and seeing just how we can enhance our 'new' reality..Some days are like any other..you have your trials, your school and work concerns, but there is also the small voice saying, 'let's just take a step ahead'..just a step..and that can be enough.  I have mentioned in previous blogs,  that I think the clothes of a loved one can be one of toughest hurdles to overcome..The clothes that were worn for various occasions that you seemingly recall..The smell of the clothes..ouch.  Tough to sort through these...But, I'll just say, steps are being taken..they are.  The journey continues indeed..
OH and one of those steps is Abbey getting her driving permit!  We are very excited.  First driving lesson comes in a few days..then help!  It's driving with Dad for quite a few months..Dad may have to 'hire' some surrogate drivers.. Note: Seeking volunteers..ha-ha..No, I think Dad will make it through this. It will be a great day for us both when Abbey can drive...I pray for safety..As we all do, when our children drive.

So, the days wait for no one.  Must indeed stay the course..and press ahead..
The word:  "weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning"..
Tough sometimes to see or feel that joy thing, and some days joy is simply unattainable, a brief smile is unattainable, a laugh..forget-about-it, but these things will come..maybe not in a huge 'all is well' way, but small increments of joy will come..and just a small embrace of joy can propel one through the day..or just through the next hour,  it really can.

God Bless..Onward forward..there is much to do..

Love..

Bill and Abbey..

An anniversary..and other...

July 27th would have been our 21st wedding anniversary..I remember that warm, some would say blazing day under the big yellow and white tent in Chatsworth, CA..The newly constructed church had not been approved for large gatherings..The tent was actually quite appropriate and welcoming.  You could even see the shadow of birds fly over the yellow and white tent panels..Cue the birds: these fly-over moments did somehow enhance this monumental day.  Of course, I had an emotionally mixed day of remembering that day in July, but ever so grateful, even though at the time..so very nervous!!!..Aren't we all?
My sweet daughter prepared a wonderful dinner on this July 27th...we had a great night of conversation.  So special are these times to talk.  During the anniversary day (and countless other days)..I recalled/recall moments that showed Becky's great inner strength..She was indeed quiet and meek at times, but oh so true and strong.   I recalled quite a few instances or circumstances that became indelible moments in our early relationship and beyond.  I was surprised and delighted when these instances occurred in the early relational stages...for they propelled me toward her...They were 'turning points', they were 'wow factor' moments..and Of course, I will never forget them... 
I can only assume, in all our relationships, we can recall indelible imprints upon our minds and hearts..  Becky indeed had great strength..courage, as well as, the moments of fragility of vulnerability.   She loved God..she was true, she walked the walk..Our marriage sure had its desert times, the sandpaper days, but we did our best to communicate..to 'talk it out',  to pray for love to overcome all obstacles...
And now I say, are we 'moving on?'  Abbey and I.  Yes, I think we are.  I pray my daughter will continually adjust without her earthly mother...I know she is adjusting,  coping.  There could be an 'emotional safe' where feelings, emotions are being stored, blanketed and perhaps one day years from now will be released...perhaps we all do this.  But in a young teen, perhaps more-so.  But I do see a healthy release as the current days and months pass..I see a daughter doing things a young teen would want to do..And our talks are transparent and so very, very real.

Yes, we are moving on..to carve out a 'new' life..new chapters..new adventures..
Dear God, your will be done..

Hope all is well with you who read this..I thank you very much for taking the time to glance at this blog.  As mentioned, I know one day this blog will cease, and perhaps one day soon...but a few entries still feel therapeutic and appropriate.  Thanks again for your love, prayers and support..

Onward..forward..
Bill

Some days..

Some days...well most everyday, you reflect on the journey...the years of trial and triumph.  Does the reflection 'pain' get easier or lighter?   Yes, it does..yet indeed there are those very heavy recall or revisit moments.  But some recall gives you a smile..a snapshot moment that warms the heart and soul...
Abbey and I, we are carving out our changed or 'new' life..I think we are doing OK. Having good days. We are 13 months removed from Becky's passing..and need I say, we carry, we harbor the wonderful, unconditional love and memory of Becky..Her indelible, immense and immeasurable print on our lives..The demands of life will not retreat; the work, school, bill-paying, and other responsibilities...ya just have to learn or discern just what is important , what may have consequence on health and safety, or finances, and what will not...and while doing this try to never forget how to enjoy and celebrate the gift of life here on earth...as difficult as it may be..and we all know, life can get soul-searingly difficult, one must try to give a big shout-out on the days that went well..or had a measure of accomplishment, or even simple chores were done..a good trip or vacation was realized, or a good meal was shared with friends and family..Hope you are well..Good health and many, many blessings to you..

Bill and Abbey
PS. Thought this was a sweet pic of remembrance...

Encouragement....

Thinking about years past.  Becky and I did our best to work through the 'sandpaper' moments..knowing it takes communication...and of course, that big word/  Commitment, to make a marriage work..and we were committed..As I look back at what seemed to be 'down' days, .they really weren't so valley-like..not so bad, well maybe some periods were.....Of course, we did find out what deep dark valley days were like, but as I have said, even in the parched desert moments, when the day was so burdensome, so mentally, physically taxing, that the appearance of even a small crevasse of hope was not possible;  goodness and/or beauty moments would delightfully unfold in various forms..they truly did.   I encourage you to know or wait on the beauty days to reveal themselves, and indeed they will.  Stay the course..

God Bless you...Celebrate life...


Bill

One Year ....

Abbey and I marked the one year day (Wednesday, 23rd)with a visit to the cemetery in the early AM.  We talked of how we felt one year ago,  the emotion, the 'where are we today?' mindset, we felt on that specific day.  Indeed the day and days afterward felt 'out of body'..We commented on how we thought we would hear, "Cut"..as if this really were an epic movie scene, but of course, it was not... We talked of the celebration service, the many that attended, the outpouring of love..We were and still are humbled.  This helped with the healing..no doubt.  To hug the many who came was medicinal, therapeutic, unforgettable.  We talked of the past 4 to 5 years..the highs, the lows and more. We are still adjusting, but as I have said, I think we are doing OK...Becky would want us to indeed be "OK", to press on, and do our best to celebrate life..We have our not-so-celebratory days..we all do don't we?  But we strive to be more alert to just what is before us..We thank God for what we have, and we do look forward to just what lies ahead. 

Later in the day, Abbey and I went to one of Becky's favorite restaurants..We closed the day on good remembrance..

Much love to you all..

Bill and Abbey

So hard to believe...

Hard to believe, ONE year tomorrow.. the one year 'homecoming' of Becky.  An amazing, wonderful, wife and mother.  I am sure her 'homecoming' has been glorious, very.  On this earth,  Abbey and I  and many others have indeed endured grief, many tears, but also many moments of sweet recall.  I will also remember the day one year ago when she was ushered into heaven.  I can see that ICU room right now...I was numb, but also so very 'in the moment', all my senses heightened ..some emotion just unexplainable.  Indescribable...I will take the 'one year day' and reflect on our years together...Abbey and I will talk and hug, hug and talk..and sit in silence. 

Thank you all for being there for us in the silence and in the piercing grief.  As I mentioned in earlier blog..one year later, I think we are doing OK..we are celebrating life when the moment says to celebrate it.  We are ready for new adventures..ready..
Dear God, thank you for under-girding this incredible, uncertain, life-altering journey.  Thank you for the hope of heaven...Thank you for the wonderful people, my friends, family, church, neighborhood, who have been so supportive during this walk...Amen and Amen.

May you all indeed Celebrate Life!  Really Celebrate it...

Much Love,

Bill and Abbey

May...

May.. I think it is just natural or understood, to frequently reflect upon this time one year ago.  Becky in ICU, the uncertainty, the medical jargon, the heart-wrenching, emotional to the core decisions to be made and more. I think of last Mother's Day, when Abbey was feeding Becky soft ice cream, which I think was her last intake of 'normal' food, we had a meaningful, heartfelt Mother's Day in the ICU room..Yet of course, it felt so very surreal. Now it is our first Mother's Day without Becky. We will give unending thanks and praise for the great wife and mother she was...She was indeed 'all-in' when it came to 'Mommyhood'.  Of course Abbey can still 'feel' Mom. Sometimes words are just not enough to describe how we felt one year ago and words are sometimes not enough to describe how we feel now.  BUT,  I think I can say, Abbey and I, we are doing OK. We are doing the normal stuff of life; school, work, social outings, and finding humor in just what we will do for dinner night after night. (My cereal pouring skills are unequaled :) It does chuckle us on a daily basis. But this is just part of the adjustment...but we are adjusting..and as I have said, looking forward to new endeavors..embracing adventures.
In just two weeks, we will see the one year 'homecoming' of Becky..I know the day will be laced with emotion, but that's OK, just got to go through it...I have said countless times, along with the grief, I alternately give thanks for the many, many wonderful, indescribable moments seen during this illness..this journey. We are so thankful for those who were part of this journey..truly, truly loving, caring human beings...who also sacrificed their valuable time to comfort and support Abbey and I. Sweet blog readers, I don't think God ever promised this life to be without trial, without unexplainable events that will alter your life.. And of course, many will not experience life-altering events, and that's just the variety of life here on earth..and that's good, that's really OK....Some things are just unexplainable.. Yes, I do know the Lord can bless you beyond what you ever thought or dreamed, yes it can happen and does. One can live a life of superb health, achieved dreams and enough finances to have all they need and more, maybe not all you want, or maybe you will have all you want and that's indeed good;  embrace it. Our personal ride was indeed dramatic, but of course, many others have had a much more dramatic journey, and again, some things are just unexplainable, we each just have to endure our paths. Becky was so brave during this eventful ride. We would often laugh at me being the chicken when it came to medical stuff, but of course, I adjusted or coped. She is now in a place of superb health and with certainty I exclaim, there are; 'no worries', none.. I am indescribably grateful for this hope..think on it...

 Celebrate life, Live large.. Big love to you all..Big love and hugs to all you Mom's..

Bill and Abbey

Writing...these days..

Indeed, just took a lengthy break from writing, no particular reason, maybe just blogger's block..just one of those things. I still want to continue writing, journaling..As mentioned, perhaps I will know the day when the writing, emoting on these epages will cease. When that will be, who knows..
I now think about this week when one year ago, Becky was admitted for what would be the final hospital admittance. We knew this admittance was necessary, was just disappointing after approximately 7 months since last hospitalization..She was weak, very lethargic, slight fever, and a few other issues. But, so be it..let's get a 'tune-up'..then come back home. But another 'homecoming' was realized approx. 6 weeks later..
As the one year mark of her passing looms weeks away, I know I will relive various moments of great trial..yet I hope to revisit victorious moments, those good health reports, the wonderful people we met along the way, the meals we were served, the care and support received and more. There were some truly deep, wonderful moments even in darkest of times..

One very recent note** I suppose one reason for not writing with any frequency is the fact that my father is very ill..just spent an extended time with him...Again, some truly deep, indelible moments were seen in this situation also. He is still with us here on this earth..


Hope all is well with you..Easter gives a message of great hope....I give thanks for this hope eternal..

Much Love,

Bill

Becky's Birthday..

Yes, Becky's birthday...today. Emotions were seen-surfaced. I had some tears along with fond remembrance. Abbey and I cut a sweet muffin in half, had a scoop of vanilla ice cream, lit a candle and sang Happy Bday to Becky. Then some silence..
Just got to go through all these moments..the anniversaries, the birthdays, the holidays. Anxiety or heaviness can be present, but tears do soothe the moment.. I hear my daughter in her room, playing the music..releasing in her own way..and release she should..let it go my sweet one..let it out. She is doing well though..she is adjusting..I cannot be Mommy, but Mommy will be heard..her voice will be whispered..I am doing the best I can I suppose. I hold her hand when needed and I certainly allow ample space when needed ..I listen and I listen, I shop..whew! I am patient and I am impatient..I discipline, I raise my voice and I know when to apologize, I laugh with her and I encourage..and of course, I pray with her.
It was a good birthday remembrance of Becky..her candle burned bright..

Much Love to you all..

Bill

Carrying on..

Indeed, carrying on...seeing just what endeavors may be sought out..and of course, staying in the moment, coupled with reflecting on the journey..trying to stay simple while also adding complexity. Make sense? Maybe not, but just felt best to exclaim life this way at this time..
I know there will perhaps come a day when the blog may see it's cessation, then again, really can't predict this, maybe at the one year passing of my sweetie? Really can't say. I do feel a sadness as I write this, but also feel like maybe this is the natural metamorphosis..Yet, I still want to continue writing for therapeutic sake..it certainly helps to expel the inner feelings from the deep soul, from the 'heart on the sleeve', to this electronic public viewing bank. Some days hard to say what really lies inside, but some days it is what is needed, say it here and say it as best you can.. and I will continue to do so, until....
I know my sweet Becky would say..just do what ya feel..and that I will. Toward the middle and latter stages of her illness, we talked of perhaps writing a book. It would be nice to expound upon what has been written on this blog and other pages over the last 3 to 4 years..it surely would. It can be done. BUT, if it is not accomplished, then no burden to carry..just glad this blog has served and continues to serve it's purpose. To provide information, a release of emotion, a cleansing was done to the myriad of emotions experienced during this journey, but there is more that could be said..and perhaps this will indeed come to fruition. I pray to the Lord for strength, for clarity, focus and the wherewithal to perhaps tell more. But time and I do believe life circumstances will tell if this is what should be done.
Everyone has a story.. everyone..Thank you to those who have been following this story since it began. Much love to you all...

Bill and Abbey

Valentine's Day..

Well, I think the day went OK, and frankly, don't need Valentine's Day to penetrate my heart anymore than other days. Yes, I did read and tightly squeeze a card Becky gave me last year..I did play a CD she gave me approx. 10 years ago, but along with grasping the reality of Becky not being here on this Valentine's Day..I also recalled wonderful Val days of the past..and I smiled. I smiled. And it was good. And I read the card my daughter gave me and there was even more reason to say 'this is good' and my heart was blanketed in peace and thankfulness for what I did have. I am a blessed man...I was married to a wonderful, unconditionally loving wife, a superb mother to her little girl. I have a poised, caring, funny, wise and beautiful inside/out daughter. But phhhleeease...allow me to say..we are having our 'butting of heads' moments..oh yessssirreee Billy Bob..we are having our edgy days..but hey, that's normal right? Well, yeah it kinda is..Gonna have those days, those moments..but we do at the end of the day, try to make sure most issues are resolved, or at least resolve to resolve them tomorrow! Yes, blessings do abound..I give thanks to the Lord for ALL things...and most of all HIS unconditional love.Amen and Amen Please do celebrate love, life and do laugh and do sing and do dance. Bill and Abbey

It is true..

It is so true that with grief there is really no timeline. While the days and months may pass, and the piercing or ever-present heartache may subside, there is the drive in the car moment, the kitchen sink moment, the postcard sunset, the song moment, the reading of cards given to each other moments, which propel to the emotional surface; the tears, the frozen in thought stance, the 'where am I?' voice..and more. All the books say this is just the way it is..and it is. But there is also laughter, there is life exploration, there is growth...
Abbey and I have endured a journey of journeys just like many of you have endured uncertain journeys or paths. As mentioned in previous blog, when the new year dawned there was/is reflection on almost immeasurable days and nights in the hospital, the countless appointments over the past few years..the words said, the words not said,. Today, I did revisit a few texts Becky and I sent to each other during her last hospitalization. They are priceless. I think back on the paperwork then (and now) the driving, the labyrinth-heavy scheduling of life..and yet I will or must think of the warm, meaningful moments in years past. AND Yes, I say aloud, I will seek with open arms, new endeavors.....I will encourage a daughter to stay the course, while also encouraging her to take routes that may be 'out of the course' and uncertain, yet infused with excitement and wonder.
Onward forward.. to us all.. God's peace be with you...

Love and Live on...

Bill and Abbey

A New Year...

When the New Year begins..I have always thought back to what was..and of course, no exception as Dec 29, 30, 31, and Jan 1 saw their sunrise and sunset. Thought about my sweetie of course..
Thought about Abbey and her walk..Thought about health and sickness. About great triumphs and great trial. The hospital rooms, ICU, Physicians, Nurses, Meds, Diagnosis, setbacks and conquered moments...thought about good times at home. Dinner at the table, birthdays celebrated...a short trip when health allowed..thought about conversation after conversation...conversing of this uncertain life here on this dirt...But also talked of how good some days can be on this earth. But also knew of the great certainty and sweetness of eternal life. I could continue..but suffice to say..more reflection and recall was done as the early January days saw there calendar day..But what's amusing is..There is always recall and reflection on the the journey that was and still continues..No need for a new year to propel or fuel the recall, though admittedly the holidays will elevate some of the mental pictures..or illustrate them more vividly. The Christmas decorations, the family and friend gatherings, which let me say were quite abundant for Abbey and me..and we were and are so grateful for the gatherings and invitations. It was so nice to be with many wonderful people..But again, the sights, sounds and smells of the holidays do release perhaps more mental snaps shots than other yearly intervals.
It was a soulful, meaningful present to Abbey and me to be around so many friends and family. While also having quiet time. We went to the cemetery Christmas day..it was an OK moment for us..quiet, reflective..still surreal, but also had some good words..

Hope your 2012 days and nights are healthy, fulfilling, exciting, restored where restoration is needed, frivolous when frivolity is needed, and focused when razor sharp focused is needed.
May you ask the Lord for strength in all things..

Onward forward, there is much to explore..

Love..

Bill and Abbey..