Christmas 2013...

Abbey and I, we are having a fulfilling Christmas week...I suppose a summation would be:   we feel 'better' this year than of course the prior two Christmases.  A bit lighter in heart and soul.  We went to the cemetery on Christmas day and had some good talk, reflection and tears...the cemetery at Christmas has an oddity, in that some the 'decorations' are so colorful and beautiful...we took note of this.  We talked of how Mom, Becky loved Christmas..decorating, baking...assembling her favorite manger scene she has had since childhood and yes, Abbey and I, we also set it up.  Abbey baked magic bars just like Mom used to make them.  Such a wonderful tradition...and the smell throughout the house is medicinal.   We so appreciate our cozy, quaint home.  We appreciate the memories of holidays past...and of course, we are still creating great memories..
FYI:  Helping to make Christmas even more warm and easier to navigate was the fact that our church produced a really fun, fulfilling 'show'/program this year..it began with lots of popular Christmas songs.."White Christmas".."Winter Wonderland" and more..then segued into the 'reason for the season' songs..So many were touched...so many heard meaningful songs and eloquent words spoken by a pastor. As we all know, this is a time when many are hurting..I mean really hurting..lonely, searching for comfort.  I think we provided great comfort..and good news..

I hope you all had a fulfilling Christmas.. May you still 'feel' some excitement this time of year...May 2104 be a healthy, adventurous, yet also stable year.  May hurts be soothed..may the trials be manageable..and may the mountain peaks be higher than you imagined.



Onward forward..

Bill :)

City Of Hope today..

Yes...Just like to visit at Christmastime..and always try to see Nurse Emily and I was able to see someone I know get discharged today!  Also a reason for the visit.  So excited for them. Only three weeks at the hospital and still said it felt like forever!  But what an enormous blessing to go home within such a time frame.
I had a good visit seeing them and others.  Of course, I reflected upon the time spent there...and I say ..my heart was lighter.  Indeed, the heaviness felt in past visits was lessened significantly.  In the journey of moving on..I can only assume we want this to be the case..and it was. And one funny, amusing note..I even zoned out and drove by the usual turn I take toward the hospital.  I thought this was quite entertaining.  A few even commented on my 'looking better' than last time..OK, well I'll take it.  I think my step was lighter..perhaps my eyes were brighter.  My words were even more rapid in delivery.  Who knows..I was a bit surprised to actually here this..but again, I will absorb it.
I saw the faces of a few who certainly were burdened.  I have been in that arena..

 I do hope all is well with you. We sometimes feel overly burdened with our Christmas duties..May it not be so.  May the true joy of Christmas be felt..and shared, for love came down.   

Enjoy...enjoy...

Bill

18....18..18...!

Head shaking..eyes glazed...staring into the horizon...sweet, warm memorable pictures of past years, past moments..All a part of my last few days as I see my daughter..the young lady become 18 years of age.   With children, as many of you know...the days, months and years can sometimes seem like 10 minutes,  though when we were holding the baby at 2am with the upset tummy, or bandaging countless boo-boos or letting them come to your bed because they had a bad dream.. we perhaps occasionally thought..can't wait until they get a little older.  Then when they are 7 or 8..you sometimes think the same..then in adolescence you may think it just a little bit more..and then when the young lady..the young man emerges and presents different and heart searing challenges..you suddenly think..or wish they were the baby again, the little boy or girl, the adolescent..and I mean this in the most endearing way..But there they are..young adults you soon will see walk out the door, drive or fly away to far places..and be confronted with huge real life challenges..that they will have to face, solve and/or endure.  You hope and pray you have done your earthly best to guide them..to encourage and model for them wise decision-making.   But you know, as we have been told..'we have to learn on our own'..and they will do the same..learn to live on their own...to navigate this uncertain, strange..yet amazingly beautiful world as the unique person they have become.  As we often do: we pray, we petition, "Dear Lord, please protect my baby as she/he seeks out, carves out a life of their own."
My sweet wife would have said...'celebrate life' and that is what Abbey will try to do..for she has seen her mother try her best to live fully even when the day was far from a celebratory action..My daughter sat in an ICU room with her mother on the last day her mom took breaths on this earth..Abbey's memory of that day and her mother's devastating illness..may dim over time..and some of the fade will indeed be welcomed but I pray she will remember a mother strong in resolve, excellent of character and integrity, boundless in encouragement...and loved God with heart and soul.  Abbey will explore the world..and I want her too..and I know she will have many life-tools to take with her..and two words that will resonate in the deepest canals of her heart and soul...'celebrate life'.
I hope we all..no matter the age..will do our best to celebrate this life on earth...The days can sometimes be blanketed with hardship..the heart can be weighed down with the worries and trials of life..it is inevitable..but carry on we must..carry on we will.  Let us help one another...
May you feel 18 again...

 God Bless you and keep you all...never forget how to have some fun..
And I am still in awe of being in touch with the stem cell donor!...

Much Love,

Bill

Thankful...

Thanksgiving week...

Thankful for the gift of life on this earth..I know it's the broad statement but right now it works for me..
I take a breath and think of just how many muscles it takes to do so, to take this breath, to have the organs and brain coordinate beyond human understanding.  Dear God, thank you for the amazingness of the human body.  Yes, it breaks down...it succumbs to gravity, it weakens...it perishes..but we/I must take, stop, envelope the moments when a deep breath is all I need to propel to me thankfulness..
I am thankful for a daughter who along with many of her classmates completed a play; "Stage Door" at her school.  4 nights of great concentration, focus, delivery, adrenaline, exhaustion, adrenaline, exhaustion again.  The rehearsals..the set building..what an effort.  And yes, Dad helped with the set, with the production of the nights, except Saturday..in which I attended a sweet family wedding. 
As I watched Abbey perform the leading role for the three nights I attended, I thought so much of how proud Becky would be.  There she was, her daughter in only her second production handling an immense role, immense dialogue and character layering...Abbey's confidence was evident..even though the nervousness was also percolating, but not an eyes wide open nervousness..just the usual walk on stage nerves that actually seemed to exit the moment she appeared and I think they did.  Becky honey, you were there with her...Abbey girl was stellar.  And big thanks to the cast..for some scenes with her classmates that were also stellar...she has a great group of senior friends that certainly embrace the stage.  The underclassmen did a fine job also..very fine.  Abbey loves, loves the camaraderie amongst the thespian landscape...it just has good vibe to her.  Will she do more stage work?  AHHHH...yes of course..the bite has happened..we shall see what is next.  College ...yes college!  Coming soon..the applications are being 'clicked' away...Wow, what a process.  A new world awaits..and it appears it will be back south...!  It truly does..she is excited and yes, nervous about this new chapter...is it right? Will I, (Abbey) like where I go?  Well, let us go and see...
I am thankful for her willingness to go east..I am excited about it..I am...
I am thankful she has the confidence to go..the fortitude..the vision and maturity to want something different..she wants to feel the east coast..New York, DC, Atlanta..other cities..while she attends her school..I am thankful that family and some sweet friends will be near her and many have offered a haven of rest and peace should she need it.  This is indeed so reassuring...
So let's give thanks for a new adventure!

I am thankful for health...so very thankful!
For being able to help a friend ..to offer a few days of respite and renewal..
For seeing grass grow in my backyard..yeah, seeing those seeds finally mature...now I gotta really work on the front yard..I just got to think about watering every now and then.
I am thankful for a Scottish Terrier that is loyal.has a stubborn side, but again, just likes to be around our feet...the rascal is a funny dude, but he has been a source of laughter and yes soothing comfort on some hard days...especially during Becky's illness.
I am thankful for a heartfelt church service today...good, good stuff...
I am thankful for my man cave....really thankful for this room of therapeutic wonder...
I am thankful I can still do a few MC/DJ gigs...still serve in this manner...still haul the equipment,, but with the help of a trusted friend...
I am thankful for the many gigs I have done in the LA/Hollywood area..I suppose I can say some have been an almost fulfillment of a dream..just to work in Hollywood..and I did...Becky was always so supportive of me..she would tell me to promote myself more..'show em' honey'..
Now, I am thankful that I can see other dreams..other visions...I am thankful that change can occur..it may seem uncertain at times..even now there is uncertainty to my mature dreams...but hey, so be it..let's just see what happens..
I am thankful for a childhood that saw many happy Thanksgivings..truly Norman Rockwell stuff...
Just good simple living..good family, friends..food..fun, but yes, frustrations, but mostly just a simple childhood that never felt threatened, invaded...strife filled...and even if it was there..I didn't understand it..and that's probably the blessing of a brain and soul still being formed..ya just can't absorb or process the full effect of trials...sounds strange I know..but I think the not-understanding has validity..

I am thankful I can hear sweet music..so thankful...
I am thankful to see a day so clear as it truly was in LA today and the past few days..that I still stop and admire the beauty of the mountains..the hillsides..even the tall skyscrapers...the many houses on a hillside..
I am SO thankful for a certain stem cell donor in Germany...that is an earth angel... she will forever be etched in our family history..and I know one day soon, Abbey and I will met her and family...
Well, I'll cease for now..I could continue this thankful menu as I am sure you could also on your menu.
I thank God..that I can write this..and I am deeply thankful there is a promise of paradise...beyond what is seen here.. it takes faith to see accept this promise....thank you faith...thank you...

Onward forward..Do Celebrate this life...enjoy your family and friends this Thanksgiving.  Laugh, get serious, solve problems..but then have another light moment or two...as you expel the oft' heard words:
"I ate too much, I always do!"..then two hours later you are perhaps back for more pecan or pumpkin pie...

Much Love to you all...I am thankful for those of you still reading this online journal of a journey that still wants to be documented...

Bill

Season of...

A season of continuance...continuing a rigorous but exciting school routine for Abbey, a continuance of colleges searching and now a few applications to complete.  Wow, so hard to believe this is upon us.  The college process is quite a labyrinth, it feels like the endurance of an honors or AP class!  Just to note..it appears Abbey may go east/south...We just returned from a very informative, conclusive trip to schools in NC and one in SC..Some clarity was/is realized.  What a chapter this will be..Abbey back east..and me here in LA.  But, we will see just how this unfolds.  I think I know..more on this later.
The senior year can be stressful but also one of the most fulfilling years of high school, I do want her to have fun coupled with the other demands.  Just recently, she got the lead in the fall school play, "Stage Door"..Only her second big theatre emersion..I am indeed so proud of her.  She did "Red Noses" last fall at the school..and then this summer at the Fringe festival in Edinburgh, Scotland.  The acting bug has bitten her just a bit.  She likes the challenge and how it makes one stretch...The performance for "Stage Door" is Nov 14, 15, 16, 17...yes, soon!  And thus the season of busy envelopes Abbey..And yes, for Dad.

The college trip back east was so fulfilling not only in the information we gathered and processed on the visits/tours, but also most fulfilling and meaningful in the overnight stays we had with family and friends.  Truly, we were so grateful, and so touched at how others opened up their homes to us and set aside schedules to make sure we were in a comfy bed and properly feed.  We were cocooned in homes of care...and we thank you all who made this happened.  We thank you so very much.

DONOR:  Yes, still so exciting to be in contact with the stem cell donor.  The emails will be increment in measure due to the translation hurdles German/English /German, but no matter, contact we must.  This is just too monumental to not stay connected with some consistency.  I emailed her two days ago and said get ready for more info about the journey..about Abbey and I, how we are doing now and what is transpiring in our lives.  I know some of the blog will be a tough read for the awesome, selfless donor but I WILL send her the blog...this will indeed be the resonance she may need to insure a vivid glimpse of the journey.  The intricacies of the stem cell transplant, the days before and of course the days, months afterward.   I hope she will see just how much her selfless act did for Becky and I hope she will see just how amazing and wonderful Becky was...

I have taken an extended time off from my job..and I just want to note it here.  The time has been incalculable when thinking of just what I was able to do with Abbey..with life.  We have had measurable amounts of quality time, but this is different.  I have had quality and much quantiy..long, long talks, whcih we we also always had, good walks, and more AND I was able to teach her to drive more than I otherwise would have.  I was getting home late in the day and then trying to take her out..it did work but in limited capacity, yet having more daylight hours to help her drive has been priceless, especially in LA!  I was glad to train her at all times of the day!  And yes, she has had her license for a few months..I was able to pick her up from school, to be a part of the school events and more.  NO, I didn't hover..no at all,  Just made myself available to my daughter.  This chapter will be ceasing soon as one can see in the mention of the college adventure.  I want her to 'fly' wherever she wants..and I truly mean it.  GO, and go where you dream, where you dare..a little corny (?)  So be it...Just pray she is safe wherever she may go.

I have been able to have breakfasts and lunches with others..just talking about their life, my life and life in generalities, enjoying exploring solutions to certain areas or perhaps exclaiming exciting ideas about tomorrow and beyond.  I wanted to do this and I am thankful to have had the opportunity to do so..along with some travel east and other areas.  Again, I am so grateful.  Stay tuned..


Hope all is good, healthy, manageable with you.   The world is tough, ain't fair sometimes...ain't fair at all...sickness, violence, deceit, decadence and more ...all can seem to envelope us..But fear not He has overcome the world.. a praying man/woman can accomplish much. 

Onward forward..celebrate life..have fun along with the necessary serious demands..

Bill

DONOR CONTACT! and ....

Well, it happened! The donor sent an email response!  Wow...still so surreal.  She said it took her awhile to translate..she speaks only German..Her daughter had to translate.  She was so happy Abbey and I wanted to be in touch. Her return words were touching..a bit fragmented due to the German to English barriers...in brief,  she said "she would do it again, to her a matter of course to help another human being..it was a gift from God." As I have mentioned, when she sent the first generic letter shortly after Becky's transplant, you could see her faith, she even quoted from Joshua.  It was an indelible, momentous day when Becky received this first letter in the hospital..especially since she was experiencing a down day, a down week.  These words were medicine to Becky.  AND! the irony, incredible timing is today OCT 9th,  is the 4 year anniversary of the actual stem cell transplant!  Amazing...
As I see the email from this earth angel, I feel as if I am injected with a smile serum, for that is all I could do when I saw her return email and when I showed it to Abbey..I/we just smiled and expressed a gratefulness for her wanting to be in touch and it really happening.  I also thought of how my sweetie would want Abbey and I to began a bridge, a bond with her donor.  I know Becky would of course want to do this herself.  We are excited.  We will do our best to communicate via the English/German..German/English translations.  No matter, we will make it work.  And perhaps one day, yes one day, we will meet.  I want to do this..I truly do.  Always wanted to do an extensive European visit, perhaps the first stop will be Germany!  And I amusingly add...Lautenschlager (also Lautenschleger)  was the 'root' of Lauten..and there are still Lautenschlager's  in Germany.  It means to 'play the lute'. 
So, as I conclude this writing, I rolodex the days when the stem cell donation was getting precarious, a seriousness was beginning to evolve when matches were just not matched enough.  Then, here comes the day when we find a match!  And I vividly see the day when that reddish/pinkish bag entered the room and then placed on the med tower, almost like a trophy set pridefully on the top shelf or mantel, then the line protruding from the 'life-bag' was connected to Becky's line...and there they were as Becky called them..'little soldiers marching in' and that's what it appeared to be..for you could see small, small white circles, red circles..liquid taking the ride downward into this other vein structure or territory, making their way to the organs, to the muscles, to the extremities.. They were magnificent..And we just stopped, paused and gave great thanks for this mountaintop moment.  And now, as the 4th anniversary is here, of Becky receiving these life sustaining cells, I pause again, with emotion, with thanks, with head shaking, incredible humility at the entire process.  Oh God, thank you for this sweet, sweet selfless person, for those researchers, physicians, hospitals, clinicians, nurses, donors of time and finances, volunteers who actually pick-up, deliver these stem cells, the pilots, the drivers who make this all happen.  And even though sweet, Godly, wonderful Becky is not here today, I know she would want to me to say the above and more,,thank you for the prayers of many, and I add this stem cell donation was a 99.9% success.  Indelible is the day when Dr. Snyder came in the room and smiled as he stated this percentage.  These life-giving cells, they went in and made a home, but we were warned numerous times that graft vs. host disease can truly rear it's head and it did.  It can be a post transplant havoc-producing 'monster'..But we know without the infusion of the stem cells, life would have indeed been dramatically altered..In my amateurish opinion, I medically go out on a limb and say Becky's life would have been radically altered, perhaps shortened within the framework count of months or weeks accuracy.  Again, I cannot say this for sure..but we know, the only, the only curative option was the stem cell transplant.  And to the donor, I exclaim, I scream!  I thank the Lord Jesus for your selfless giving.  This uncertain, mysterious world is better off, my wife's, Abbey's Mom's life was enriched with your humble giving, your deep, deep and thoughtful heart. 

Onward, forward..Celebrate this life and a great hope..

Bill

Abbey speak school...

Abbey spoke at her school recently..she actually gave her testimony, her 'story'.  She was asked to do so by a teacher and also prompted by a sweet, dear friend.  First time a student has actually done this at her school chapel time.  We, of course, discussed it the night before..  Went over some main points, childhood, adolescence and the intricate journey of Mom's illness and subsequent passing.  Just what Abbey felt during this 3 to 4 year journey...how she wanted to stay a little girl but knew she had to be young lady.  How she prayed, and though extremely difficult, she still saw God's guiding hand in the days and nights of hospital visits, even in the uncertainties of just what tomorrow would hold, and yes, there were some soul piercing, heart crushing moments, days, weeks in ICU,  but she still kept a 'faith'..a prayer life..
 She said the 20 mins she had to speak went well..she was humbled before and after.  Humbled to do this and humbled to receive the heartfelt comments afterward.  It was the first time for this testimony..and yes, she was very nervous, but she barely looked at her notes and indeed felt the Holy Spirit speaking through her, leading, comforting, guiding her.
It was a monumental moment for her.  It was deep, heavy but also cleansing. 
I did not go and its OK...she harbored some trepidation in my possibly coming..seeing my face could possibly alter her personal course, the words, the emotion..and I was indeed down with that, I get it, thus I just prayed all would go well and took a big walk. She needed this moment all to herself.  All hers..all good.  We are big boys and girls.  This was what the moment required.
She was exhausted.  She went to a two hour cheer practice in the afternoon and got the physical workout coupled with earlier mental..yeah she's sleeping good as I write this.
Indeed, I am proud of her.  I thank the Lord for her wanting to do this, though with some reluctance.  She trusted it would be OK and it was.    This life dictates trust.  God we trust in you.

DONOR:  No word yet, no email return.  Hopefully soon. I may even send another email with a few words translated in German.  Stay tuned.  Danke..(thank you)

Onward forward...Hope and pray all is well with you and yours..
Have some fun..

Bill

Donor info!

Wow, it's really happening..received stem cell donor information.  She is from Germany!  Abbey and I, we are so excited, so humbled, so glad she wants to be in touch.  This is a chapter I didn't really anticipate, or just didn't dwell on after Becky's passing, but so ready to embrace.  I did email her yesterday..hope to hear back soon. I had to ponder what to say for few days after receiving her info, she may be doing the same after receiving my email.  No matter, I am just so thankful to see who this person is and to thank her for donating the cells, to thank her the amazing encouragement letter in Nov 2009 and the graciously thank her for wanting to know who we are, who Becky was, and perhaps here about the entire journey.  I suppose in time, I will send her the blog..but not yet, just greet each other first...
Lord Jesus, thank you for this earth angel. I look forward to conversing with her and her family.  And who knows, one day we may meet.
Onward forward..hope your day is/was a good one..I think about the fragility of life..it's brevity..So many things we all want to do..big and small projects, I have found myself directing a bit of scorn towards the face in the mirror for not pursuing a few ideas/projects that I wanted to do..but I do stop and smile at what I have
accomplished, at simply being available for daughter and mankind....and I give thanks...

Much love to you,

Bill

Birthday...

My Bday yesterday..had a good day..took a very long walk.  Felt so good.  No agenda, no need to hurry home.  Abbey and I went out, had a nice dinner.  She got me some really cool, cute gifts...some were bought while she was in London & Scotland.  Becky was so good at Bdays..she loved giving.  I still follow a calendar in which she had written birthdays for the year..of family and friends.  She really wanted others to feel special on their bday.  Note**had a full weekend..did some entertainment work. I note it because of where I was at one point emotionally in this journey.    Not that I didn't think lighter, brighter days were ahead..I just thought getting there would be such a Kilimanjaro climb, and it was.  Still humbles me...

Onward forward...

Bill

Donor mailing..

Note to self...Returned to City Of Hope the donor/recipient form...info..
Initially, I feel email is a good start for contact with donor.. we will see what happens thereafter. We can of course, escalate our contact to the pinnacle of actually meeting.  But again, let's see how this goes.. Excited, nervous, ready, reluctant, though only slightly..It will be a great, an indelible moment in this journey to actually contact the person who donated the stem cells.  God Bless, God guide this earthly angel.
Don't know how long it will take for first communication exchange.  Will of course, document it, exclaim it here! 

Celebrate life..

Bill

Talk...

Had a great talk with Abbey, not that we haven't had countless talks..yes, multitudes with immeasurable content, lighthearted to the unbearable soul-heavy... This talk was so nice..we were at the dinner table, which I confess..needed some ahhhh...'love', before allowing two full-on plates to find a resting place, and we commented on having this setting return after a, too long to mention, hiatus.  Funny how the talks change over time..the content becomes even more big issue stuff, yet also threaded with sweet childhood innocence.  Hard to believe how fast the pages of a child's life can turn, but turn they must and it is so fulfilling to see the brightness in their eyes, to hear the excitement in their voice when they talk of the future..when they expand upon what they are learning not only in the schoolroom, but the ever important classroom of life, of relating to others, of how to navigate the minefield of emotions..Listening is my pleasure, my call as a parent and my 'book' to read...

Onward forward.. God Bless...

Bill

Homeplace, UK, Donor!..and more..

Returned approx. three weeks ago from my childhood homeplace in North Carolina.  It was the first return since my Dad passed in January.  Abbey, was of course, with me..A bit difficult to walk in the home this time..yet I can recall a truly fulfilling life in that home, on that land.  This trip consisted of organizing for the sale of various items..it was so surreal.  Indeed, had some tears.  I am fortunate to say my homeplace, my childhood, young adult years and countless visits were a bit "Norman Rockwellian".. my grandfather/mother's home was a quick sprint from porch to porch, and the home where my father grew up was a good 7 iron shot away. I felt safe, secure, loved..I could run forever, fish, sing in the woods, sling a football with all my might in the front yard.. yeah, sounds like a country, simple-life postcard and it was..and I am so thankful for it. I so appreciate the home I had was able to return to for many, many years. My daughter came to embrace it over the years..she loved it's simplicity,..the fresh green grass, the nature, and it was so inviting, so soul-soothing to hear crickets and see the pristine stars.  Time, thought, prayer will be the recipe in deciding what is next with the home..for now, just thinking of the good memories..
AND speaking of GOOD STUFF!  Abbey is now home from the UK..London, then Edinburgh, Scotland.  She had a great time with school friends and instructors.  The primary purpose of the trip was to perform at the Edinbuirgh Fringe Festival for 5 nights..which they did.  They submitted a video and got accepted..it was indeed, a wonderful moment in time for her and the other students. Approx. 15.  She was so fulfilled.  Edinburgh was 'spellbinding' she said..and she went to St. Andrews and thought it was also fantastic.  Abbey even commented how much Mom would have liked a popular show they attended, The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo..unique name..that is really an elaborate, cultural, musical immersion...she said it was amazing..and that it would be a the type of variety show Mom would have liked..and she is right..Becky loved things like the Rockettes show which we were able to go to..the Christmas before she got ill.   I am so thrilled for Abbey and all involved on this trip.. A big thanks to her school and her theater instructor for propelling these students to take risks, perform, travel..So thankful for their encouragement.  Abbey is really diggin' the theater arena right now..I think the performing is great outlet for her.  Plus, creative writing..communications..

DONOR!  Wow, City Of Hope called a few days ago and asked if I was interested in beginning some sort of communication format with Becky's stem cell donor.  BECAUSE, the donor is willing to do so..!  The donor is aware of Becky's passing...and I even asked again if they were absolutely aware of Becky's death and COH said indeed they are.  We can begin by simply exchanging emails and they said how far we extend the communication is up to us..We can take it to the ultimate level of meeting, but that is again up to the donor and me.. Well, I think we will start with an email..I am ready. And Abbey wants to do it.   We did receive the sweetest generic letter from the donor just after Becky received her stem cells. So appropriate on the day we received. Becky was having some difficulties.  The donor quoted from Joshua.   I think they/she may be overseas, but honestly don't know.  They could be within miles only. Have  to complete some paperwork before the initial contact, but truly I am excited.  I thank God this may happen.
So Onward Forward...I hope and pray those who are reading this...to be healthy, even if life has minimal or even severe trials..We don't know..we just don't know what lies ahead..Therefore be of courage, strength, humility, and grace. Do not be afraid to cry..when the soul needs to release..and may laughter be heard, echoed in your home and elsewhere..

Much Love,

Bill

Anniversary..

July 27th....I remember that hot day in July of 1991..married under a huge yellow and white tent.  It was indeed a great day...We sang "Baby Baby" to each other..it was quite an entrance.  Becky had a wonderful love of music..she had such a good ear...
Today, Abbey and I ate at a restaurant  Becky and I used to frequent pre-child..but we also went with a young Abbey and she remembered. 

Over two years now since Becky's passing..yes, as I have mentioned, life does move on.  And we are.  But of course, one still thinks of the good times..the warm memories.  The road we were on.   I am so grateful for the almost 20 wedding anniversaries we shared.  Like any marriage, some days, even weeks were quite testy and challenging.  We certainly had our challenges..but we committed on..we pursued on..and certainly prayed on...unconditional love, it can do wonders for a marriage.  May the Lord Bless you and keep and make His face to shine upon you...
Enjoy, Celebrate life..keep dreaming..help others...


Bill

Stuff...

Over the past year..I have been going through 'stuff'..clothes and other items.  Of Becky's and yes, my own stuff!  I have dropped off at a favorite place Becky liked.  Today, I took some general items..not too many clothes.  An office chair that I could still see Becky sitting in..As I drove away, I looked back at that solitary chair..alone claiming its small domain on the sidewalk outside of the destination I left it.  I stared back..I had slight emotion,  the measure of it was much less in swell and duration than previous drop-offs.  I thought to myself..yes, wow, life is really moving on, how should I feel?  Well, not to over analyze, just think this is what it is..go with it...and go with the thought that the chair will also move on to a good home..it was time, Becky would like this. 

Much Love,

Bill

A big PS.  Also preparing to go to my childhood home to go thru, purge stuff....This home has been a constant for my entire life.  A Norman Rockwell type childhood I had.  Still returned many, many times over the years.  Sometimes 2 to 3 times a year.  This will be an emotional time.  But, must do this task. 

Two Years..

Two years, May 23rd, 2011....hard to believe.  So much time, yet so close also.  The morning was spent at the cemetery..Abbey and I.  Always a time of great reflection, sometimes expressed in sweet and not-so-sweet auditory recall and sometimes just silent and still expression.  We could not believe the calendar pages had turned 24 months..but the sun does rise and set in continuum, it will not wait for you...and that's OK.  After I took Abbey to school, I went to City Of Hope hospital.  Just something I had to do...I saw Dr. Snyder, the lead physician, I told him I was coming and he responded in positive tone.  He was indeed where he said he would be.  I gave him a hug..which as I have mentioned, he should try to do a little more with patients, but I do understand the bacteria element can come into play.  Yes, those germs can get on/off his pristine while coat and perhaps cause a little altercation with another patient's immune system.  It was a good day at the hospital reflecting and also seeing sweet nurse Emily who was so very significant and special during the journey.  So good to hug her and talk life past and present, and so good to see others who were supportive and caring while Becky was there.  I walked the grounds, the frontal grass, the rose garden where I had exerted immeasurable emotion, said words of praise and words not so pleasant..
I am glad I went..I knew in my heart and soul I wanted to be at COH on this day..and it was completed.  Becky was grateful to be at COH and that's enough for me..
I honestly don't know when I will return..perhaps next year at Bone Marrow/Stem Cell reunion/celebration..when a recipient meets a donor for the first time. I think I would like to see this once..God Bless those earthly angels who donate their marrow, their stem cells.  I drove off at seemingly the time I would frequently drive away when Becky was there..the late afternoon...or sunset time.  I looked back at the hospital and whispered 'thank you'..then turned my head to of course, focus forward..and that is what must happen and is happening..a look back to say 'thank you', while also looking forward..
God Bless and keep you all...He knew our needs..and still does..

Work hard..but never forget how to have a little fun...

Love,

Bill

The time..

Time does indeed wait for no one..and I suppose that is a good thing.  Good that time does pass.  But there are those frozen moments in which time has stood still and oddly this is good to.  We or at least I do, sometimes need to feel past moments as if we/I were there..and then I 'come back to real time' and think of where I am..and I assess the progress made, the days of productivity, along with the days of just sitting still, or taking long walks and just letting the minutes and hours pass on...Yes, a mixed menu of living,  But living I have to do.  Living, embracing a new project, seeking new endeavors, while honoring, recalling the sweet, wonderful life of my loved one, my wife..spending time with family and friends, this and more has to be done, and yes, still making time for the days of letting the hours and minutes pass.  It is good to 'make time' for time to just pass..
In a few weeks, two years will have passed..I think I can honestly assess, the first year there is the numbness..just trying to adjust to this new life-altering chapter..but as I have said and all the books and experts reiterate, there really is no framework for grief..but the the days to become 'lighter' and the 'to do' list changes to reflect your new life.  So onward forward we go.  And I say, God, as I have looked back, thank you for being there in the deepest of valleys, thank you for being there when I felt like I couldn't drive the car another mile, take another elevator, smile another smile..
He is so real...I am grateful.

Have a great day..
Much Love,

Bill

Birthday..

Abbey and I visited cemetery a few days ago, we took flowers for Becky's birthday.  This visit is always a good marker as to where we are, or it just segues into a talk about our life barometer.....we have good talks Abbey and I while there.  Of course, we also have countless talks at home, but the cemetery does deeply pluck the heart and soul..We both commented on how some days it does seem like 22 months have passed, yet there are moments when it seems like only 22 days...just how it works sometimes.

We are doing good.  Moving forward...
God Bless you and yours..
Enjoy all you have..

Love,

Bill and Abbey...

Just thinking..maybe, maybe finality...

Well, perhaps here it is..the final entry for this online journal began July 2009. I have previously mentioned this may happen soon, and well, this may be it, BUT as I write this..I think about how I would just like to add a few words here and there, just see the road traveled. I  also interject, Abbey may provide some necessary insight to the journey...insight, facts, emotional peaks and valleys from her young eyes and heart. This began when she was at or near 12 years old..and now at 17, how does she feel?  She spoke of her personal journey on the day of the service, and she just may want to put her stamp on this electronic page.  We shall see..
And indeed, as mentioned, I would perhaps still like to keep journaling about the path we're on and still continue.  Grief has no framing...no definitive 'finish-line'.  Life on this earth does continue on and it does get back to a new normalcy, and this is worth writing, journaling about.. For now, I will say finality for this therapeutic 'friend' is the word. I was taking a very long walk a few days ago and thought about this writing and just how do I somehow summarize an incredible journey that saw:

Approx. 75 to 100 Physician office/ hospital out-patient visits
Almost 200 inpatient days and nights at City Of Hope hospital
 Dozens of blood transfusions at local LA hospitals
A Las Vegas emergency room visit
40 to 50 or more pills/meds taken daily, IV's at home, shots administered in the home..
Eating out..and more eating out..but also dining at home with the many meals provided by loving people..
Gas stations that appreciated our countless visits, a car that did it's best to stay the course, but also had a breakdown in the final days, yet came back strong..
Anxiety as never felt before..heartache, pain, deep, deep sadness and yet great praise for many victories along the way..
A small family that did it's best navigate this uncertain, unexplainable path..a family who knew that faith and hope were so very integral to our journey, but love was the greatest of all things..

Am I a changed man?  Is Abbey a changed young lady?  You betcha..
Though, we still know how to have fun, we still make plenty of serious and silly mistakes.
Though, we still see a day pass and wonder why we didn't do this or that...
Though, we still eat out more than we should, still sometimes watch more TV than we should.
And during this journey.. music, entertainment became dim..just not what mattered at all..though listening to the music did matter..just listening..
And honestly, I don't think I am as patient with others as I once was..hard to define, except to say, I just feel some conversations need to be redirected or stunted, or let's move on...
I apologize for the impatience I may have exhibited to any of you who read this..please note..I still have a good, willing, listening ear..
I have learned that men need to take chances in friendships.  Open up, reveal your deep hurts and concerns to a few friends, they will be grateful you did so, and in turn you will help them when they reveal deep trials, scars, and uncertainty.
Abbey and I do have those 'sandpaper' days..when things get a little testy..oh yes indeed, but we do communicate with great transparency within the Father/Daughter framework..
I still procrastinate on certain ideas and/or necessary 'to-do' lists..
I still dream...still..

BUT, BUT, now we know in the great classroom of life..what matters is love and trust of God, The Lord. Love and care to those around you, family, friends and neighbors.. I know it sounds all bumpersticker-like but it's just what it is for me, for us.  Now, when I was curled up in a fetal position in a chair in the corner of ICU in May of 2011,  crying for Jesus to come sit with me in the flesh, please come hug me..please make this all better, please heal, or at least make it so I can understand some of this.  Please tell me my wife is feeling no pain..does not even remotely realize how critical this situation is..please tell me how to discuss with my daughter how this may be the last days of her mother's life...Did I "love" God?  Well, I didn't really know, I just knew He had to be there...I didn't offer praise, though sometimes I did for small ICU improvements, and I wasn't spewing disdain.  I did walk the hospital grounds and vocalized, screamed some very choice words, not at God, nope..I just asked Him for strength in seconds, in just minutes, that's all I wanted, and to be able to make decisions of immense consequence.  I did plead to be reassured that all we/I believed in was true..the hope and promise of heaven..the natural man in me was full of questions, but still clung to the supernatural thread of knowing eternity awaits my loved one..He knew I wasn't so loving during some indelible moments in ICU..and He understood it.  He didn't come sit with me in the flesh.  He let me know that even if only one heartbeat among the thousands that beat in that ICU room and the other hospital rooms/ nights, reminded me that He will not abandon me, then that is enough my child. 

I want to honor my wife..I want say how amazing and wonderful she was.  How courageous she was when enduring this disorder/illness called Myelofibrosis, an uncommon disease that disrupts your body's normal production of blood cells.  Scarring (fibrosis) occurs within the bone marrow.  In layman's terms, the blood/bone marrow 'factory' just isn't producing well at all.  The stem cell has the ability to produce all three basic blood cells, red, white and platelets, thus the only curative option for Becky was a stem cell transplant,  Her symptoms increased, the anemia, liver swelling, frequent nose bleeds, due to a low platelet count, easy bruising and more.  Of course, she was beyond curious on how she got his disease, and our initial hematologist said:  'NO specific reason, just a bad luck draw'.  Wow.  Well, the disease was actually eradicated, the stem cell transplant from an unknown donor was actually successful, Becky became 99.9% of donor, BUT the aftermath, and we were warned, was the 'enemy'.  The post transplant complications were eventful, were traumatic, were perplexing, were sometimes quelled, properly treated and controlled and as the final days saw, they were sometimes uncontrollable and unmanageable.  But, through it all, even until the last day before the ventilator was needed, my sweet wife was amazing.  She asked for a little soft served ice cream the day before ventilator insertion, in a sweet childlike voice,  it was the last real food she was able to digest.  I still have the receipt.  Becky faced conditions that I know I would have crumbled under. I truly would have..She did what she had to do when she had to do it.  She felt painful days, she had countless days of good news, bad news.. She cried,  but she pressed on, she had a few days of wondering just what is God doing..  Yet, she had immeasurable faith and love for Him.  She lost her ability to drive for over 1 year and a half..She missed many momentous, special events with Abbey.  She endured almost 6 weeks without being able to hug her young child..only seeing her from a glass window 6 floors below as they waved and gave hand signals to each other.  But she still parented with all her heart and soul.  During this journey of uncertain illness, she exhibited a strength, a motherly love that will of course, remain with Abbey for all her days.  It is seen today.   She loved me unconditionally throughout our 19 years and 10 months of marriage and that alone was courageous.  I knew she was there for me despite my many weaknesses and failures.  She was quiet, reserved, but fiercely strong and clear.  What you saw is what you got.  She was self-made.  She worked until life's circumstances dictated work was no longer possible.  Her 'job' became the management of her daily medicinal regime.  A demanding regimen that absorbed, engulfed all the energy she could possibly muster.  Again, she was so amazing and courageous.

Today, I walk around the house and think about the surrealness of it all..the journey.   I think about the fragility of life..BUT I also say with a roar, celebrate life!  Sure, many days will have trial and turmoil, but when the hailstorm of these days ceases, take a breath and raise your arms high in thanks for all that is good in your life.  Hard to do sometimes, yes sir, yes mam,  but at least think about it.

I had to practice this even more, during these last holidays, for they almost swallowed me with an uncertainty and pain more penetrating than I expected, though I knew I would have some tough days during the second Christmas since the passing of Becky, yet I was still a bit puzzled at the hard-hitting emotion.    Difficult to explain, and I cannot label it all as pure grief..I think it was an emotional cocktail of realizing the loss of Becky, seeing where life was now, wanting to strive for the next step, knowing my father was very ill, a shell of the man he was once was, while again, trying to see just where I should be now in my career, in my daily walk.  A tornado of emotion gripped me and I know many of you had/have your own emotional tornadoes.

A universe full of thanks, to all of you who followed this blog.  Big, huge love to all who encouraged, supported us, who fed us, who fervently prayed for us. Big love, to the school and friend families who drove Abbey from point A to Z,  kept her overnight.. To a brother who drove me to the hospital a few times.. To a few families who were aware of my anxiety and let just hang with them , love you..To a brother who still has breakfast with me, just to see how I am doing..thank you, honestly I could continue on and on.  To all who walked the road less taken with us..thank you, thank you..We love you.  You were selfless in your actions. We will never forget it.  Never.
Thank you church for being the body of Christ, for the hospital visits, the food, the counsel..thank you so very much.
And a Big time shout, thanks and love to my Malibu workplace during this uncertain road..I was so very grateful for the flexibility..for the heartfelt support, hugs, prayers and concern.

To R & L...love you so much..thank you for your support..your care..and it continues..thank you.
To my East coast family..thank you for the love, the cards and notes, the calls..
To CH for a very special photo!  thank you..
To Abbey's schools who had quite an open window into this journey, and thus comforted, supported Abbey.  From the deepest canals of our hearts, we say 'thank you'.  And a big shout of brother love to my men's group...you guys were indeed a respite, a comfort, a source of carry-on strength to me and Becky. She loved you all for your caring, listening hearts..It would have been a tougher road without you. 

Physicians:  I have a great appreciation for physicians who truly care about healing..who want to heal the physical and the emotional soul.  Keep in mind, physicians, especially those who see life threatening illnesses, take home a whole lotta stuff. I am sure they try not too, but they do.  And nurses the same.  We embraced the nurses that had to almost be the front line of medicinal attack..administer so many meds, take so many vital signs, input so much on the charts/computer,  follow up with instructions on how to use this or that at home, who looked down on the patient bed with caring eyes that revealed a gigantic, caring heart..Most notably, nurse Emily.  Love you! We had our challenging physicians and nurses..questioning their motives and decisions, but most all were caring, concerned and very professional.  I thank Dr. Snyder for his lead physician care...perhaps sometimes more clinical than needed some days.  A more frequent hug, coupled with necessary clinical language and meds, would have been a welcomed 'pill'..but it was OK..he really, really cared...Becky truly liked him, she was so thankful we had him as our primary City Of Hope physician and that's all that matters.  And I want to thank my personal physician..He is the real deal.

To close, Abbey and I have seen healing and a gentle turning of pages has indeed transpired.   A keen sense of living does become your banner when one has experienced such a journey.  You want to do so many things, travel, be with people who have been so supportive, so caring.  You may want to life-change this or that..and indeed some of this has been realized and embraced.  The future, well, we will see..career changes and more..and perhaps someone else will become so very, very special in my life, and me in hers. 
Soon, Abbey will be in the grip of college, then on to the challenges of her own career, and yes, I know there will be a young man man that will have a heart totally devoted to her.  Totally devoted to the will of God.  Yes, Becky would of course want this..and Dad! And as Abbey so eloquently spoke of during the celebration service, Mom will always be parenting and indeed, as mentioned earlier, she still is..
I do selfishly ask for a whispered prayer on occasion, for me to be a strong, sensitive, wise earthly father.  I have torn away the privacy walls when writing this ejournal..yet that's what we wanted from the beginning.  To be informative,  soul-searingly open and perhaps inspire..

And Becky would want me say one more time..

Celebrate, Enjoy Life! 

With great love,

Bill