And indeed, as mentioned, I would perhaps still like to keep journaling about the path we're on and still continue. Grief has no framing...no definitive 'finish-line'. Life on this earth does continue on and it does get back to a new normalcy, and this is worth writing, journaling about.. For now, I will say finality for this therapeutic 'friend' is the word. I was taking a very long walk a few days ago and thought about this writing and just how do I somehow summarize an incredible journey that saw:
Approx. 75 to 100 Physician office/ hospital out-patient visits
Almost 200 inpatient days and nights at City Of Hope hospital
Dozens of blood transfusions at local LA hospitals
A Las Vegas emergency room visit
40 to 50 or more pills/meds taken daily, IV's at home, shots administered in the home..
Eating out..and more eating out..but also dining at home with the many meals provided by loving people..
Gas stations that appreciated our countless visits, a car that did it's best to stay the course, but also had a breakdown in the final days, yet came back strong..
Anxiety as never felt before..heartache, pain, deep, deep sadness and yet great praise for many victories along the way..
A small family that did it's best navigate this uncertain, unexplainable path..a family who knew that faith and hope were so very integral to our journey, but love was the greatest of all things..
Am I a changed man? Is Abbey a changed young lady? You betcha..
Though, we still know how to have fun, we still make plenty of serious and silly mistakes.
Though, we still see a day pass and wonder why we didn't do this or that...
Though, we still eat out more than we should, still sometimes watch more TV than we should.
And during this journey.. music, entertainment became dim..just not what mattered at all..though listening to the music did matter..just listening..
And honestly, I don't think I am as patient with others as I once was..hard to define, except to say, I just feel some conversations need to be redirected or stunted, or let's move on...
I apologize for the impatience I may have exhibited to any of you who read this..please note..I still have a good, willing, listening ear..
I have learned that men need to take chances in friendships. Open up, reveal your deep hurts and concerns to a few friends, they will be grateful you did so, and in turn you will help them when they reveal deep trials, scars, and uncertainty.
Abbey and I do have those 'sandpaper' days..when things get a little testy..oh yes indeed, but we do communicate with great transparency within the Father/Daughter framework..
I still procrastinate on certain ideas and/or necessary 'to-do' lists..
I still dream...still..
BUT, BUT, now we know in the great classroom of life..what matters is love and trust of God, The Lord. Love and care to those around you, family, friends and neighbors.. I know it sounds all bumpersticker-like but it's just what it is for me, for us. Now, when I was curled up in a fetal position in a chair in the corner of ICU in May of 2011, crying for Jesus to come sit with me in the flesh, please come hug me..please make this all better, please heal, or at least make it so I can understand some of this. Please tell me my wife is feeling no pain..does not even remotely realize how critical this situation is..please tell me how to discuss with my daughter how this may be the last days of her mother's life...Did I "love" God? Well, I didn't really know, I just knew He had to be there...I didn't offer praise, though sometimes I did for small ICU improvements, and I wasn't spewing disdain. I did walk the hospital grounds and vocalized, screamed some very choice words, not at God, nope..I just asked Him for strength in seconds, in just minutes, that's all I wanted, and to be able to make decisions of immense consequence. I did plead to be reassured that all we/I believed in was true..the hope and promise of heaven..the natural man in me was full of questions, but still clung to the supernatural thread of knowing eternity awaits my loved one..He knew I wasn't so loving during some indelible moments in ICU..and He understood it. He didn't come sit with me in the flesh. He let me know that even if only one heartbeat among the thousands that beat in that ICU room and the other hospital rooms/ nights, reminded me that He will not abandon me, then that is enough my child.
I want to honor my wife..I want say how amazing and wonderful she was. How courageous she was when enduring this disorder/illness called Myelofibrosis, an uncommon disease that disrupts your body's normal production of blood cells. Scarring (fibrosis) occurs within the bone marrow. In layman's terms, the blood/bone marrow 'factory' just isn't producing well at all. The stem cell has the ability to produce all three basic blood cells, red, white and platelets, thus the only curative option for Becky was a stem cell transplant, Her symptoms increased, the anemia, liver swelling, frequent nose bleeds, due to a low platelet count, easy bruising and more. Of course, she was beyond curious on how she got his disease, and our initial hematologist said: 'NO specific reason, just a bad luck draw'. Wow. Well, the disease was actually eradicated, the stem cell transplant from an unknown donor was actually successful, Becky became 99.9% of donor, BUT the aftermath, and we were warned, was the 'enemy'. The post transplant complications were eventful, were traumatic, were perplexing, were sometimes quelled, properly treated and controlled and as the final days saw, they were sometimes uncontrollable and unmanageable. But, through it all, even until the last day before the ventilator was needed, my sweet wife was amazing. She asked for a little soft served ice cream the day before ventilator insertion, in a sweet childlike voice, it was the last real food she was able to digest. I still have the receipt. Becky faced conditions that I know I would have crumbled under. I truly would have..She did what she had to do when she had to do it. She felt painful days, she had countless days of good news, bad news.. She cried, but she pressed on, she had a few days of wondering just what is God doing.. Yet, she had immeasurable faith and love for Him. She lost her ability to drive for over 1 year and a half..She missed many momentous, special events with Abbey. She endured almost 6 weeks without being able to hug her young child..only seeing her from a glass window 6 floors below as they waved and gave hand signals to each other. But she still parented with all her heart and soul. During this journey of uncertain illness, she exhibited a strength, a motherly love that will of course, remain with Abbey for all her days. It is seen today. She loved me unconditionally throughout our 19 years and 10 months of marriage and that alone was courageous. I knew she was there for me despite my many weaknesses and failures. She was quiet, reserved, but fiercely strong and clear. What you saw is what you got. She was self-made. She worked until life's circumstances dictated work was no longer possible. Her 'job' became the management of her daily medicinal regime. A demanding regimen that absorbed, engulfed all the energy she could possibly muster. Again, she was so amazing and courageous.
Today, I walk around the house and think about the surrealness of it all..the journey. I think about the fragility of life..BUT I also say with a roar, celebrate life! Sure, many days will have trial and turmoil, but when the hailstorm of these days ceases, take a breath and raise your arms high in thanks for all that is good in your life. Hard to do sometimes, yes sir, yes mam, but at least think about it.
I had to practice this even more, during these last holidays, for they almost swallowed me with an uncertainty and pain more penetrating than I expected, though I knew I would have some tough days during the second Christmas since the passing of Becky, yet I was still a bit puzzled at the hard-hitting emotion. Difficult to explain, and I cannot label it all as pure grief..I think it was an emotional cocktail of realizing the loss of Becky, seeing where life was now, wanting to strive for the next step, knowing my father was very ill, a shell of the man he was once was, while again, trying to see just where I should be now in my career, in my daily walk. A tornado of emotion gripped me and I know many of you had/have your own emotional tornadoes.
A universe full of thanks, to all of you who followed this blog. Big, huge love to all who encouraged, supported us, who fed us, who fervently prayed for us. Big love, to the school and friend families who drove Abbey from point A to Z, kept her overnight.. To a brother who drove me to the hospital a few times.. To a few families who were aware of my anxiety and let just hang with them , love you..To a brother who still has breakfast with me, just to see how I am doing..thank you, honestly I could continue on and on. To all who walked the road less taken with us..thank you, thank you..We love you. You were selfless in your actions. We will never forget it. Never.
Thank you church for being the body of Christ, for the hospital visits, the food, the counsel..thank you so very much.
And a Big time shout, thanks and love to my Malibu workplace during this uncertain road..I was so very grateful for the flexibility..for the heartfelt support, hugs, prayers and concern.
To R & L...love you so much..thank you for your support..your care..and it continues..thank you.
To my East coast family..thank you for the love, the cards and notes, the calls..
To CH for a very special photo! thank you..
To Abbey's schools who had quite an open window into this journey, and thus comforted, supported Abbey. From the deepest canals of our hearts, we say 'thank you'. And a big shout of brother love to my men's group...you guys were indeed a respite, a comfort, a source of carry-on strength to me and Becky. She loved you all for your caring, listening hearts..It would have been a tougher road without you.
Physicians: I have a great appreciation for physicians who truly care about healing..who want to heal the physical and the emotional soul. Keep in mind, physicians, especially those who see life threatening illnesses, take home a whole lotta stuff. I am sure they try not too, but they do. And nurses the same. We embraced the nurses that had to almost be the front line of medicinal attack..administer so many meds, take so many vital signs, input so much on the charts/computer, follow up with instructions on how to use this or that at home, who looked down on the patient bed with caring eyes that revealed a gigantic, caring heart..Most notably, nurse Emily. Love you! We had our challenging physicians and nurses..questioning their motives and decisions, but most all were caring, concerned and very professional. I thank Dr. Snyder for his lead physician care...perhaps sometimes more clinical than needed some days. A more frequent hug, coupled with necessary clinical language and meds, would have been a welcomed 'pill'..but it was OK..he really, really cared...Becky truly liked him, she was so thankful we had him as our primary City Of Hope physician and that's all that matters. And I want to thank my personal physician..He is the real deal.
To close, Abbey and I have seen healing and a gentle turning of pages has indeed transpired. A keen sense of living does become your banner when one has experienced such a journey. You want to do so many things, travel, be with people who have been so supportive, so caring. You may want to life-change this or that..and indeed some of this has been realized and embraced. The future, well, we will see..career changes and more..and perhaps someone else will become so very, very special in my life, and me in hers.
Soon, Abbey will be in the grip of college, then on to the challenges of her own career, and yes, I know there will be a young man man that will have a heart totally devoted to her. Totally devoted to the will of God. Yes, Becky would of course want this..and Dad! And as Abbey so eloquently spoke of during the celebration service, Mom will always be parenting and indeed, as mentioned earlier, she still is..
I do selfishly ask for a whispered prayer on occasion, for me to be a strong, sensitive, wise earthly father. I have torn away the privacy walls when writing this ejournal..yet that's what we wanted from the beginning. To be informative, soul-searingly open and perhaps inspire..
And Becky would want me say one more time..
Celebrate, Enjoy Life!
With great love,
Bill
No comments:
Post a Comment