3 years..and now...a graduation, a move, a...etc..

If you asked me on May 23rd, 2011 how I would feel 3 years from now (in fairness, no one would really ask that 3 years ago) I would probably look at you with an indescribable stare, a distant shallow look, that would only portray or answer; 'how can I even think that far ahead?' and indeed, I could not even think 3 minutes ahead, forget about 3 years.  But here it is..3 years and a few months..and yes, life has been lived with the heavy, heavy grief, to the less heavy, to the even lesser grief, yet still having days I think deeply, reflectively about just what happened..what was experienced.  The heart and soul searing trials but also the triumphs.  Abbey and I visited the cemetery on the May 23rd.  We have some of our best talks at the cemetery..and some of our most pristine quiet times.  It is a good barometer time. I usually ask, 'how do you think we are doing?'  And Abbey in her young wisdom, transparency and truth says..'I think we are doing good, really good'...So I take it..and I do think, yes, I suppose we are doing 'good'.  Though, not meaning the grief, there are a just a few things I do wish I would have done better, or could have done better, but cannot dwell on this...Got to thank the Lord for all of His provisions and guidance, even when the days were very dim, the nights were tear-filled and the tasks were overwhelming, yes overwhelming.  But, here I am, here we are.  There is laughter, and as I have said, the music is clearer, louder, the sun brighter, dancing can happen in morning, but time will be the great dictate for this, but dancing or a lighter step can come.   So yes, we had a very meaningful time at the cemetery..we always talk of how amazing Mom, Becky was during the illness and she was, and how she knew, she would 'win' no matter what.  I don't want to be frivolous when I say win...for she wanted to live on this earth many more years..she yearned for some semblance of good health, but she also knew (and wrote) she would be where no more trials of this earthly life would be endured..she knew this earth was not her home.   I shake and lower my head when I think of it...I am so humbled and so 'rich' in many ways to have seen her courage and faith.  She knew heaven, God, Jesus in her heart.  She lived it.

SO its now, and plans are to be made,  endeavors that can generate excitement are to be realized.  Go boldly into the future.   AND, hard to believe, Abbey has just graduated from high school.  She will attend college back east! (south) Yes, the mid-atlantic area east.  So surreal.  But the big move feels right.  I am so proud of her.  She had a great senior year...though very difficult with a weighted research paper and other classes, but hey, she knew it would be much more than a 'senioritis' type of year..hard work would be seen and it was..but she did great.  I saw the years 'rolodex' or download before my eyes on the graduation day..It was very fulfilling that this day had come but also a reflective, revisiting of sweet toddler to teen years was seen and of course, the past few years of our difficult and unique journey were recalled.  But here it was and it was awesome to see her all grown up in that cap and gown.  You go girl.  And it was so nice to have close friends there, sitting with me.  Thank you, and thank you to the many who have supported her, encouraged her and prayed for her these past few years...big love to you all.  It was incredible, bittersweet to hug the families that have been together for many years in school.  I think I can say, this school-togetherness is not as common in LA as it perhaps would be in other areas, thus it produces a very special, appreciative group which we are of each other.  So hard to think, we will not see each other at the school and subsequent events. But just putting it simply and just how we would all 'bumper sticker' it...Life has to go on...We have to graduate to the next school, the next chapter. So throw the cap up in the air and let's go.

I know when I return from taking Abbey to that east coast school, the turn of the key will be the hardest turn I have probably ever had to make, or actually maybe the second hardest.  I think about 3 years ago, I had a few very difficult key turns.  But again, life has to go on.. onward-forward.  Wonderful things await.  I want to explore these wonderful things..I do not know if California is in the near or distant future..I am going to pray about this.  I will seek some council, I will seek opportunity where opportunity arises or presents itself to be one of delight and desire. Here or elsewhere...  And yes, now I think about companionship...where will that be?  My heart will know, or at least I hope and pray so. 
Yes, it's a big world, but may we, I never forget the ordinary..to serve others, to walk in humility and thankfulness, enjoy the simple, such as a good latte, enjoy friends, family, a good walk, run and more..to seek God's direction, compass.  Amen.

Thank you again to those who still read the blog.  I know the postings have appeared a little less frequent, but I think in some way, that has shown progress.  Slightly questionable to assess it this way, but somehow at this moment, the assessment fits.  I sorta, kinda like to write, but I know with writing ya gotta do it daily, I will work on this (?) :)   This blog/journal has been a therapeutic destination..I am grateful to have been transparent, emotional, informative and more on this epages.   I also encourage you to write down thoughts..even if on a 3 by 5 card..or just journal in your computer...ipad, i this and that...just write of your days and nights..We all have stories..all of us..

Enjoy your days...sail your ocean...

Much Love to you all,

Bill